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Worried for a friend. Too caring or being used?

(13 Posts)
Ginbunny1212 Thu 28-May-20 10:34:02

Need advice. Had a restless night sleep about this. My friend - he is an ex - but we are friends, well flirty friends and was considering getting g neck together before lockdown. We do get on as friends.

He has a teenager who he loves and used to see regularly. However as she entered her teens, she is being sulky and rebellious. She refuses to see him at times. It doesn’t help The guy and his ex have a terrible relationship. Calling each other names. The guy got fed up and blocked his ex, only communicating via teenager. Teenager very close to their mum. Think there is jealousy there.

Teenager gets upset and refuses to see their dad. Well the teenager did arrange a time, different from their arrangement and wanted to back to their mums early. Dad gets upset as sees it as ex controlling time with child. Sends an angry text to ex and Teenager upset, refuses to see dad.

Last night the guy called me distressed and angry. I was trying to get him to compromise and accept the situation so he could see teenager. No compromise, seeing the situation as a power struggle. Pointed out not fair on teenager and give it time. Lots of pity woo by me talk. I am always penalised no one likes me etc. It’s a situation he has reacted badly to and he can’t take responsibility.

Guy ended call saying he is hiding away and wants to be alone. It sounded more worrying than a pity threat. He has now deleted all accounts and no one can contact him. Mutual friends are texting me asking if heard from him. I don’t think he would do anything stupid. But what do I do?

He uses victim status in his life. Like everything is others fault and takes little responsibility for his actions. It’s like a drama triangle. He and his ex are fighting over the teenager like an object on who gets to spend the most time with wins. Teenager is upset and has spoken to me about it before to ask if I could get her parents to go for counselling. That suggestion didn’t end well

So do I try and support? Or just step away as it’s becoming a lot to deal with.

OP’s posts: |
Ginbunny1212 Thu 28-May-20 10:34:44

Have to say. Care about friend, but the endless dramas that can be sorted with compromise or thinking before texting is becoming draining.

OP’s posts: |
ellendegeneres Thu 28-May-20 10:40:46

Me? I’d step back. Nothing you do or say is going to do anything, clearly the advice/ support is not wanted past being a sounding board and it’s dragging you down. I couldn’t be dealing with a petty man child like that

Truthpact Thu 28-May-20 10:52:40

Why are you attracted to a man that let's his anger towards his ex interfere with him seeing his child? The point scoring matters more to him than the kid. That's a pretty terrible father. The mother is no better though.

I'd walk away. Not your problem, he doesn't want help, he just wants people on his side saying she's evil.

Ginbunny1212 Thu 28-May-20 11:42:33

I was trying to be supportive, but more he tells me, the more he is causing drama. Point scoring is not great and more unattractive.

You are right. He wants people to sympathise and I didn’t do that last night. He is now not talking to me. But I can see he has been active on SM so at least ok. Man child.

His last text was I am hiding now and i disappear no one will care. I think he is licking his wounds. Now not interested

Ahh men

OP’s posts: |
Fluffybutter Thu 28-May-20 11:57:47

I would leave him too it fo a while . If he seems to like drama then this will be another power play for attention and a guilt trip .
I mean ,he could of course be very low but from what you’ve said it seems this is just to make people feel bad for him

Ginbunny1212 Thu 28-May-20 12:40:54

Yeah. I am not sure if he is low or attention seeking. But leaving him alone. Offers of help are there. He did this when we were going out. It was frustrating. Just this time he opened up. Maybe not got the answer he was looking for. Friends have texted me to say he is ignoring their nesssges. Can see he had been active on messenger, but not read their message.

I have no idea why this is becoming my issue. I have told them to leave him alone, he will contact them when ready.

OP’s posts: |
Homescar Thu 28-May-20 12:46:48

I have no idea why this is becoming my issue.

Because you are contemplating a relationship with him, and your mutual friends know this?

Honestly, OP, your instinct to step back from him is absolutely right -- he sounds deeply unpleasant and someone who wallows in self-pity rather than taking responsibility at least in part for his actions which led to the situation. I'm not in the least surprised his teenager no longer wants to see someone who views her only as an element in a power struggle with her mother.

RandomMess Thu 28-May-20 12:57:55

I would be more concerned for his DC, I would be checking how they are with zero mention how their Dad is just because you are more neutral than either parent!!!

Ginbunny1212 Thu 28-May-20 13:53:56

I don’t have his DC number and feel it’s not my place really. I am siding with her in this and trying to get him to see her views. He is in self pity he can’t see anything.

Had a text to say he needs to be on his own and He is ok. Contemplating a relationship no more. I respected his love and devotion for his kid. Now it’s an obsession on who gets to see her more.

OP’s posts: |
CodenameVillanelle Thu 28-May-20 13:57:20

Step away. He's an attention seeking manbaby and you're playing in to his self pity party.

RandomMess Thu 28-May-20 14:00:43

Thank goodness you can knock that relation on the head now rather than investing anymore of yourself.

Every time he mentions his DD I would just say "I feel incredibly sorry for her, 2 immature parents that don't are how much she is getting hurt".

Happynow001 Thu 28-May-20 14:30:52

Seriously OP I think I'd back away now. He is supposed to be an adult but is behaving like an idiot with no thought for his distressed child. I feel sorry for the DC who's like a bone between two angry dogs - himself and his Ex!

In your place I'd not consider picking up your old relationship with him because he's not good partner material and certainly not, currently, at least, a good father. You are worth more than this.

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