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Ex-MIL so toxic(8 Posts)
Very long story short.....I split with my dc dad 5 years ago. Was a horrible relationship but we are civil now. One of the main issues was his mother. My ex was dumb and selfish but his mother is extremely bitter and spiteful. She would enable a lot of his terrible behaviour - when he stole money from me it was my fault, when he cheated it was because I wasn't doing enough at home. That sort of thing. She was constantly coming to our house, outstaying her welcome and criticising. Then going away and slagging me off to the rest of the family. She lies and manipulates to get her way and is in complete denial about her behaviour.
Thankfully I don't have a lot to do with her now but she still causes problems. The latest is that during lockdown she's been pestering my ex to let her see dc when they are visiting his house. I know he will give in. She doesn't care less about my wishes or the rules and risks.
She's also equally vile to my ex's new partner who I have a good relationship with. She has been really good for my ex and the kids but I'm worried the ex MIL will drive her away. I also worry about the influence MIL will have on my kids. She's not the sort of person you'd want around your kids, awful racist homophobic views. Not a good word to say about anyone and I imagine she will drip poison in their ears about me as they get older.
Sorry for the rant I guess even after all this time I still feel quite anxious and upset about her behaviour and am concerned about how it might impact my dc. There's no use talking to my ex as he doesn't see it. There's nothing I can do is there?
If you couldn't do anything about her when you were with him, you certainly won't be able to do anything about her now.
No I know that deep down. It's just infuriating seeing the way she still behaves and getting away with it. Nothing matters except what she wants. And it does worry me that while I have escaped her, my kids still have to put up with her manipulative ways and horrible views.
Kids aren’t stupid, they will see through her and any comments about you
Depending on the age of the kids could you discuss the views she has expressed historically and why they are bad, as a precautionary measure. Your kids would need to be a little older to do that.
Your children will take their lead from you - be clear to them that MIL doesn't hold the same views as you do but she is still their granny. Let them know that it's OK not to agree with her (and to think she's awful!) but to be respectful. Don't worry about impact on ex's new partner - not your battle.
Not my battle no but i feel for her and when she inevitably gets fed up with it and leaves it will impact on my kids.
Yes I'd like to think they will see through her but she's very calculating.
You'll find they will come to resent the way she talks about you. As they get older, the contact with her is going to be a lot less as they take up out of school activities and spend time with friends. Soon it'll be Xmas, birthdays, and special occasions only. It helps that she just as bad to the new partner as it reinforces that the grandmother is nasty and batty.
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