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Something is wrong with me!

(16 Posts)
ElectricTonight Wed 27-May-20 10:22:01

I can't make decisions, for example if I've got to do a shopping list it will take me days to decide if I should buy the things on the list or not, another example I'm in desperate need of clothes but I've been looking online for two days and still can't decide what to buy.

I know I sound pathetic but it's getting to the point I give myself a migraine. Another example if OH says order a take away for example I cannot decide what to have it will take me hours and I get frustrated.

Is this normal because I feel like it should be simple stuff and now I'm stressed out because I can't do simple things I simply just give up and end up getting it wrong anyway.

OP’s posts: |
Bearnecessity Wed 27-May-20 10:31:16

Is this connected to a need to not waste money because you have experienced financial hardship in the past? Could you just actually not really want the food and you haven't seen any clothes you actually like and really want? I browse online a lot and I don't buy because I don't see anything I really want and when I do my size has gone anyway.

Inthenameofchange Wed 27-May-20 10:44:11

I'm the same but I think it's because I overthink. I either can't make a decision because I'm sat weighing pros, cons, con-pros, pro-cons, left perspective, right perspective, ups and downs, ins and out I just send myself into a tizzy and shut down whatever it was I was doing. That I includes shopping sometimes.

Then other times I make such quick and firm decisions (sometimes spontaneously, but mainly for things I've been unknowingly considering for a long time and one factor tips it to just the right place, then boom! I'm decided and unshaken).

The good thing is I usually stand by my decision after it's made andnot wishy-washy because I've thought it all the way flipping through!

ElectricTonight Wed 27-May-20 10:52:49

Honestly it is so tiring!

The money side of things could be something to do with it that does make sense to me because I tend to put my needs last a lot of the time to ensure the children have the things they need but I think that's me prioritising.

I do over think everything, another few examples, I've been reading about which colours suit my skin tone and which style suit my body shape and also which hair colour suits my skin...

So it says online to check what colour veins you have, well I can't decide if they are blue or green , I've looked online at the body shape charts and can't work out which shape I am honestly I feel stupid because these are visual things and I still cant get an answer.

OP’s posts: |
BessMarvin Wed 27-May-20 10:57:08

To an extent. I struggle to commit to something it's hard to change. It took me ages to decide on a sofa I wanted years ago. And I just ordered 2 different travel potties cos I can't decide which is better.

But not to the extent that I can't choose food. I can have fish and chips one day and pizza another. Not the same as looking at a sofa thinking it was the wrong decision to live with for years.

Inthenameofchange Wed 27-May-20 11:05:22

struggle to commit to something it's hard to change

Yes this is so much worse. I'm so thankful for online shops where I got unlimited returns and exchanges, made shopping easier as I could just order the things I'm confused about, then return those I've decided against after looking at them properly. But items I can't do this with, a faff to return or can never be returned or changed, I get a headache about because I absolutely have to be sure. Sometimes there's just no way to be.

So it says online to check what colour veins you have, well I can't decide if they are blue or green , I've looked online at the body shape charts and can't work out which shape I am honestly I feel stupid because these are visual things and I still cant get an answer.

You're not stupid. If you are then I suppose I am too because I'm still the same. I often jokingly say that I'm an inbetweener. Almost always neither nor, I roll my eyes at myself alot because of this.😁

Dillo10 Wed 27-May-20 11:25:15

Read about Steve Jobs, Barack Obama etc and "decision fatigue"

It's the reason they have a "work uniform" i.e. they wear the same clothes each day and minimise areas of life where they need to make decisions

Obama also talked about having an hour or two window in the day where he is most focused where he makes all his important decisions

Maybe you have too much going on ... And if you are able to plan ahead in other areas it will free up some decision making capacity

Am saying this having tried some of the approaches and it really helped me

MinorArcana Wed 27-May-20 12:42:22

Is it a perfectionist thing maybe?

As in, you’re trying so hard to make the best decision that the choice is paralysing you?
If that sounds like you, then try aiming for “good enough” rather than “perfect”. Easier said than done, I know.

(And about veins - given that the deoxygenated blood is blue, go with blue if you’re not sure)

ElectricTonight Wed 27-May-20 13:16:22

Struggling making decisions that affect long term are most definitely much much harder I agree. I tend to hold off for as long as possible without giving it much thought although it doesn't help at all does it.

I will read about the Steve jobs decision fatigue, thank you for that recommendation.

Interesting about the perfectionist viewpoint, another thing that drives me crazy but I can't help doing is counting, doesn't make much sense written down but if I am dishing up dinner I have to count every chip, every spoonful of peas so that the children have equal amounts.

When I do my make up (haven't been wearing it everyday) I have to brush the blusher brush three times one way three times the other way and if I'm looking at images of properties on rightmove I count every picture as I swipe. It's exhausting but these little things of my personality are beginning to drain me!

OP’s posts: |
Inthenameofchange Wed 27-May-20 13:37:17

Are you me? I've all but measured soup with tape just to make sure it's the same exact equal amount! Counting spoonfuls as I dish out food, etc. Having to do things the same amount one way after I've done it (sometimes accidentally) another way.

Mine I know is partly because I'm on the spectrum and I've been okay with it for a long time. On top of that, I have major OCD , everything I touch I somehow manage to put it back in the very same spot. Month after month, that vase, that glass case or whatever never leaves that exact spot and if moved even an inch, I'll know and it's stresses me. It has to 'go back where it came from'.

I've lived like this all my life so they're my "quirks" and don't bother me.

Sorry OP that this is affecting you badly, don't see it as you being stupid or anything. We all different and this is just how you are, embrace it.

Inthenameofchange Wed 27-May-20 13:47:03

And the perfectionist bit is spot on too. I usually shy away from thinking that though because I feel to be a perfectionist, everything has to be perfect but for me, it's not so much perfect as it has to be just so (my own version of how it should be and it can be haphazard or straight, it's perfect as long as it's how my mind wants it to be).

For example, I can have papers or books all over a desk if that desk is sort of a storage, books/papers-strewn across it type of working space. That mess is now normal to me and if tidied can even feel like the flow has been messed up and I can't find a document I know to ALWAYS be under one particular book ......but a random paper or book on a table or chair where that paper or book isn't typically supposed to be will bother me seriously and must be picked up and put away.


merryhouse Wed 27-May-20 14:16:13

I count stairs and spoonfuls of food; and I make sure I share out my stepping up and down kerbs evenly between my feet (and have been known to deliberately bang the other elbow to even things up). Oh, and I caught myself counting the pictures on rightmove the other day grin

I'm pretty sure (for various other reasons) I'm on the autistic spectrum.

I do find decisions difficult. One of the reasons our household has a fairly small selection of dinners (quite apart from the different fussinesses of four people) is that meal planning is so much easier when you just write down all the options over a two-week period! And I've realised that one of the major attractions of charity shops is that you don't have to choose. Is it a nice garment? does it fit? if both answers are yes then buy. None of this back and forth between six different shops comparing ten very similar pieces and trying to weigh up aesthetics against price...

I don't find my counting exhausting, though. It just happens, in the background. I've not got to the stage of counting peas. Could you try trusting in a spoonful?

Every time we go out to eat I'm the one who takes longest to decide. I used to end up having one of the same two or three things almost every time. I've been experimenting with having something different and am finding it easier. I think the key is to remember that you can always do something different next time - so long as it's not something you dislike, it's not actually going to ruin your life if a korma might have been nicer than a bhuna. (This is where the money comes in, of course. When I grew up we practically never went out to eat, and "takeaway" meant fish and chips...)

The perfect is the enemy of the good. Flylady says that "housework done incorrectly still blesses the home" and once I'd done enough to absorb that I found I was able to apply the principle to other areas.

ElectricTonight Wed 27-May-20 20:54:56

@Inthenameofchange @merryhouse sorry I abandoned the thread for hours I've been having a bad time with anxiety and juggling the little ones. Thankfully it's bedtime.

I am happy I'm not the only one counting the pictures on rightmove, it annoys me because they actually have the image number written on the picture grinit's like I have to check there are definitely 16images.

I'm guessing when you turn the volume up on the tv it has to be on a certain number?
With me it has to be even but it's ok if it's 25 😂

I don't count the peas one by one but they have to be the exact same amount spoon wise and levelled so it's more accurate.

I hate ordering out I always feel really pressured that I just choose the complete opposite of what I'd probably chose if I had three hours to decide properly haha!

If you don't mind sharing what other reasons do you feel you may be on the spectrum? I have only really known about it for the past few years as there's been a lot more information about it which is good.

Inthenameofchange ,
I'm also far from a perfectionist, it's just I like things that are perfect for me so I think we are similar in that sense of perfection 😂

Does the ocd come with being on the spectrum or is it two separate things?

Another thing that bothers me a lot are certain noises , the fan in the bedroom is going to be thrown out of the window very soon, I can't stand it the noise of it makes me feel really angry and like I can't think straight , my OH insists he needs it on and if he's not carful hel be out of the window with it grin(light hearted of course ;) )

OP’s posts: |
merryhouse Sun 31-May-20 17:03:17

other reasons....

I was officially a Weird Child. After a school concert in which I was at the front of the choir, my sister was once asked "your little sister's really weird... is she All Right?" That particular incident was probably the peculiar faces I was pulling the entire time - not an emotional response to anything, just a physical release. I was only about seven then and the faces tailed off after I discovered I could wobble my nose which is much more discreet. I fidget with my toes and fingers too, and my lower jaw. Hadn't heard of stimming till a few years ago but suspect that's what it is. I managed to almost stop the little snorts and sniffs by the time I was a proper grown-up (my oldest sister still does them).

With the best will in the world to join in and have a big group of friends I somehow managed to not get it right A Lot.

Ha, just remembered my first week of university. At a Social Event for my course I'd formed part of a small group of four girls who seemed to be getting on well, all from similar backgrounds. When the event finished we moved on to sit in H's room before whatever we were doing next. All good, all fine, all the perfect set-up for a supportive core friendship group. H had a copy of New Scientist, which I'd been enjoying reading for the last couple of years. I picked it up and flicked through it, and then started doing the puzzles. Ho hum.

(I did have a supportive core friendship group at university. It wasn't them. grin)

There were other things in the autism questionnaire where I thought "well, not now, but if I'd been doing this at 15 I'd definitely have picked that option"...

merryhouse Sun 31-May-20 17:05:11

I should note that I wasn't writing the answers in H's copy of New Scientist. I'd got my pad of paper out...

dogperson05 Sun 31-May-20 17:14:37

I am very indecisive too - it's a Libra trait

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