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Anger as stage of grief

(35 Posts)
sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:02:35

Is is possible to get to this stage nearly a year after the death. My parent died last July just 10 weeks after being diagnosed with brain cancer. I obviously done a lot of crying in those 10 weeks and maybe a few days after they died. I have had a few teary moments from then, Christmas, birthdays etc.
However this past few days I have been so angry at the fact that they had just turned 65, I should have had another 20 years or so with them, my little one should have had so much more time with them.
Is this normal, I though anger was one of the earlier stages but I honestly have not felt this much anger before.

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Idododoidadada Tue 26-May-20 21:22:52

It’s an anniversary reaction (recognised effect, google it). Totally normal reaction for lots of situations and totally understandable to grief, especially as it was an unexpected early death. You have every right to feel angry for the loss of all the times you now will not be able to share. So sorry for your loss flowers

You can request grief counselling from the GP
www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/coping-with-bereavement/

Support if you need it
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/about-bereavement/

If you need to just talk
www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

It’s okay to feel angry, down, cheated and lost or whatever else you are feeling, it’s still very early -less than a year- that you lost someone you have spent your whole life with. Please talk to those close to you, what you are feeling is totally normal. flowers

Lottapianos Tue 26-May-20 21:29:11

Totally normal and understandable. Grief is a bit of a rollercoaster ride - the emotions can be so intense, they dont happen in any set pattern and can really knock you off balance. Crying it out is a very good idea- it feels horrible at the time, but the feelings have to be felt and released. I would say that 10 months on from a bereavement is quite early days in the grief journey so please do go easy on yourself. What you're feeling is totally normal. In fact, there is no one way that you 'should' be feeling

TwistyHair Tue 26-May-20 21:32:11

I guess I wouldn’t worry about if it was normal or not. It’s what you’re experiencing and so it’s good to acknowledge it.

JoyceByersWasRight Tue 26-May-20 21:33:32

I still have periods of anger about my mum's untimely death and that was nearly 13 years ago. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no time limit.

flowers

sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:33:42

Idododoidadada Thank you for replying. Makes sense as obviously we are thinking a lot more, like this time last year we were doing this, kind of thing. We were a very close family and seen each other every day.
I did look into speaking to someone at the very beginning but Cruse counselling said that they advise you wait a few months as some feelings need to be worked through first, which then brought us to Christmas and lockdown so never got around to it but think I will start looking into again.

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LittleBrownMouse1 Tue 26-May-20 21:33:55

Completely normal to feel this way, everyone experiences grief in different ways.

The previous poster has included some really useful links, Cruse can also offer support services and their website has lots of useful information if you arent ready to access their services yet.

Sorry for your lossflowers

sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:36:41

Lottapianos, TwistyHair

I think I just needed confirmation that it was ok to be feeling like this. I suppose in my head I am thinking it was a year ago so surely I should have dealt with all these feelings by now, but reassuring to know that it is to be expected.

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sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:38:48

JoyceByersWasRight It really is like someone has punched me in the stomach. Every single day we talk about them and remember them. I think I am maybe trying to be too brave and accepting of it all, when all I want to do it kick and scream about how unfair it all is.

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Lynda07 Tue 26-May-20 21:39:09

What you are experiencing is quite normal, sadanddisheartened. Grief has many stages and there is no set pattern. Last July is not that long ago, you would have had quite a few things to do for a few months and this year we have the pandemic to cope with. I'm not surprised you are feeling angry, 65 is no age, but the anger will pass, I promise you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I won't intrude on your thread but just want to say I have some understanding, I was bereaved in July of last year. My son has been very angry about it at times.

Take care of yourself. flowers

2catsblack Tue 26-May-20 21:39:26

I too have been remembering my mum's death 20 years ago at 60. I think it is partly the current situation but also supporting others my age cope with losing their parents. For me it took years to get over and gradually I could smile. Take care

sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:40:20

LittleBrownMouse1 Thank you for your words. I am going to check Cruse out again and see if they can offer some support. I have tried to be brave for my remaining parent but I am not doing myself any favours building it all up inside.

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Quirrelsotherface Tue 26-May-20 21:42:42

I think the lockdown has exacerbated everything because of the time at home everyone's had. I went through something similar and I like to keep very busy as the minute I stop, all the emotions just flood in. Lockdown has given me way too much time to think. Try and busy yourself in other ways, maybe think of something to do to remember your parent by.

sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:43:58

Lynda07 At the time although we were distraught at them passing there was a certain amount of relief as they suffered so much in the last few days that it was a blessing that pain was gone for them. I don't think we had time to process the cancer before they had died so everything has just been building up to now.
Look after yourself and son as well..xx

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Notthetoothfairy Tue 26-May-20 21:46:06

No, it gets much worse as you reach the one year anniversary and it’s normal to wonder why you feel worse, rather than better, at that point. The good news is that the grief does (IME) start to get less intense from that point though there is no end time.

You also had less time than many to prepare yourself as the cancer was so aggressive/advanced, which may have contributed to your feelings of unfairness and anger (it all came out of the blue). flowers

sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:46:26

2catsblack I think you could be right about the situation not helping anything. I almost feel guilty sending sympathy messages to friends etc as in my head I am thinking well they were 82 or 78 or whatever. They had so many more years than my parent did. I totally understand how misplaced that anger is but I can't seem to help it but would never let those feelings show to anyone.

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sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:47:45

Quirrelsotherface I am trying to keep busy, we did buy a lot of decorating things before lockdown but lack the motivation to get moving on it. Need a swift kick up the butt too.

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Notthetoothfairy Tue 26-May-20 21:48:20

I found ‘With the End in Mind’ by Kathryn Mannix very helpful, perhaps give it a read.

Grumpos Tue 26-May-20 21:50:46

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I lost someone very close to me last year who died very suddenly also.

I am still in shock if I’m honest. I accepted it all and obviously did the sadness and crying and the emotional side of it in the immediate period after but now it’s almost as if I don’t quite believe it.
I’m a bit traumatised by the whole event and still have moments where I will literally shake my head to myself like “what the fuck has happened here”

sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:51:36

Notthetoothfairy When they first were told it was just after a normal doctors appointment as they had an odd feeling in one leg, sent to hospital for scan and was told the same day. We sat outside the hospital all night reading up about it, and every site pointed towards 3 - 5 years which we could cope with. Three days later, and numerous scans later we found out no treatment was available apart from steriods. I asked doctors behind their back and they told me about 3 months, but we never told them as wanted them to fight it. I often wonder if that was the right decision but think it was. None of the family have any regrets as to how we spent those 10 weeks.

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BigBairyHollocks Tue 26-May-20 21:53:46

@sadanddisheartened I just wanted to say sorry for your losses.Just a terrible thing to go through.You sound very brave.flowers

sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:53:47

Notthetoothfairy Just downloaded it onto Kindle but unsure if I can read it yet. I have spent a lot of time on Quora searches about Heaven etc as we firmly believe that they are there.

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Lynda07 Tue 26-May-20 21:55:32

Cruse are marvellous, sad. I have a good friend who is head of Cruse in my area though of course at the moment, not seeing clients. I believe they do internet consultations for the time being. Their counsellors are highly trained and empathetic.

Thanks for your good wishes. My son is forty, he is fine and will be even more so, it was just such a shock to us both but we'll 'get there' in the end. So will you. x

sadanddisheartened Tue 26-May-20 21:57:05

Grumpos My sibling lives abroad and my parent got cheap flights there about once a month to go to a boot sale there (they loved auctions, boot sales etc). Side story, they used to buy the biggest load of "crap" and then I resold it online, they always said they had set me up in the family business so it took a while for me to start back to work again as buying things was the side they used to do for me.
Anyway, I think for a while I just thought they were abroad and would be home any minute, still half waiting on the knock on the door, or someone to tell me it was a joke. Forever is such a long time.

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ParkheadParadise Tue 26-May-20 21:57:19

That sounds normal to me @sadanddisheartened
After my dd died at first I was numb and didn't really have any feelings. The anger stage came in waves for me. Its nearly 5 years and I still have moments of complete rage.

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