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asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

(327 Posts)
Turnipsandpotatoes Tue 26-May-20 20:57:03

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Gabrielknight Tue 26-May-20 21:03:15

Your husband needs to man up. A daughter who rarely visits doesn't need a room

Tohaveandtohold Tue 26-May-20 21:04:50

But where would adult step daughter and her sister stay whenever they visit?

Turnipsandpotatoes Tue 26-May-20 21:06:32

Gabrielknight I have actually only spoken to my mother in law in private as we have a wonderful relationship and I see her 3 times or more a week and she agrees that my 2 need the room. It's a very hard situation as this house was where they grew up, I do see it from her view,but also should I have to be moving out and renting somewhere where she wont be having a room due to costs just because she doesnt want to give her room up here.?

OP’s posts: |
OtterBe4 Tue 26-May-20 21:07:18

Any adult child does not need a room kept for them on the off chance they stay.
Time the little princess grew up and your DH stopped being a doormat, she's 22 not 12.

Notthetoothfairy Tue 26-May-20 21:09:48

YABVU to have signed a document waiving your own legal rights!

Turnipsandpotatoes Tue 26-May-20 21:09:54


Younger step daughter never ever has stayed,she feels too old and is happy visiting when she pleases and then goes home
Eldest visits with her
Eldest wasnt staying even once a month before covid,so it was not a regular thing,,and hubby has gutted the room roughly 6 months ago to do it up for her but then we had money issues and couldnt,so she hasnt been able to,,yet is still asking when is her room being done
If we move to a 3 bed rental she wont be having a room to stay,I suppose because I had a morgage at 18 many years ago I cant understand why at 22 she still wants a bedroom

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Tue 26-May-20 21:10:19

Is it an end terrace? If so helps my idea but if not I suppose you could claim you were looking at a back extension/roof extension. So my idea is you start looking at building an extension, you cost it all up ( will be a fortune) and you leave plans lying about and say we need another bedroom and it’s gonna cost x. Or you suggest your DH shares with a child and you share with the other. Like just come up with really incredibly stupid and unworkable suggestions, like sleeping in the living room. Then when your DH is like “ that’s an awful idea” say “well you come up with one then”. He’ll eventually have to admit defeat.

thomaszthetank Tue 26-May-20 21:10:57

If she's not living there and it's only used for odd visits then I think she's very selfish. It is a tough one though as to her you will be coming across as the evil stepmother, but you are only doing what is best for your family

Turnipsandpotatoes Tue 26-May-20 21:12:10

I dont feel I have, this house was nothing to do with me,it was left to hubby by his aunt many many years ago and he lived here with ex wife before split..there is no morgage etc, why would I want any of it. I have a legal doc saying if hubby dies before me I stay till I die then his kids get it,I cant sell etc. I'm happy with that.

OP’s posts: |
redwinefine Tue 26-May-20 21:12:18

Have you phrased it to the princess that way? That if she doesn't give up the bedroom she rarely stays in, the whole family will be shifted and that way she definitely won't have a room anyway?

blubellsarebells Tue 26-May-20 21:13:43

She needs to give the room up.
Really selfish of her not to just offer, she hasn't but she doesn't actually get a say, she might have grown up there but she doesn't live there now and shes not paying the bills, I assume you are?
22 is too old for this nonsense and for your husband to still be treating her like a child.

CoffeeRunner Tue 26-May-20 21:14:12

If DSS lived with you full time I would say, yes, she needs to keep her own room.

But as an occasional visitor - no, sorry, the needs of the permanent residents in the house have to come first surely?

OtterBe4 Tue 26-May-20 21:15:17

Why is she even being consulted?
Redecorate, move your girls and get her told you can't have a room lying empty 29 days of the month.
Your DH should tell her it's not her decision she doesn't live there.

LipsyGirl Tue 26-May-20 21:15:33

So, she wants her own room but doesn’t stay over?

ukgift2016 Tue 26-May-20 21:15:48

I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property.

Unbelievable. Great way to protect you and your kids.

Turnipsandpotatoes Tue 26-May-20 21:16:44

I actually dont think my husband will back down sadly on this,and I can see us either squashing my 2 into 2 tiny box rooms or moving. I just dont want to come across as selfish or that I'm trying to stop her staying. I do love my step kids. But she knows my 2 need a room each and all she does is go on about how her room will be. She has said to my eldest you can sleep in my room when I'm not here but I said to eldest no,,as it makes her feel like she doesnt have a space to call her own. I need to be able to discuss this with my hubby but it's hard because he is very defensive about his kids and will see it as an attack.

OP’s posts: |
funinthesun19 Tue 26-May-20 21:16:46

Your girls need their space. She doesn’t need that room.

Wineandpyjamas Tue 26-May-20 21:16:54


In my own experience my stepmum and younger stepsister moved into our family home when my dad and SM married. I had about a year living there then moved out to uni.

My younger bro was still at home and obviously my stepsister (younger than me by a fair few years). I had the biggest (apart from master room) bedroom in the house. Then bro then my stepsister had the tiny box room.

A few years after I moved out my dad asked if I’d mind if they gave my room to stepsister as she was just about to enter her teens and they felt she needed more space.

I won’t lie, it was difficult for me, even in my early 20s, to let go of somewhere that held a lot of memories for me. So here I understand why your stepdaughter may be reluctant. But I was able to suck it up as I realised it would be selfish in the extreme for me to spite my stepsister by holding onto something I barely used anymore. The delight on her face when I said she could have it made it worth it.

So technically my stepsister didn’t even have the same need that your kids do - technically she did have her own room. Your stepdaughter needs to be a bit selfless here and recognise that others’ needs are more than her own at this point. Your husband also needs to step up and explain to her why the room is needed, that shouldn’t be your responsibility.

Hope you get it sorted OP.

Mnthrowaway20202 Tue 26-May-20 21:17:30

start looking for a 3 bed to rent

Do this

But where would adult step daughter and her sister stay whenever they visit?

Is this a serious comment? The people living in the house come first. If you don’t have enough rooms for the household to keep a guest bedroom spare, you obviously can’t have a guest bedroom. I’m 22 also and couldn’t care less what my parents do with my old room as it’s not my room anymore.

I see what she’s saying re her inheritance but you using “her” room as a bedroom until she moves back in or her parents pass away is fine. Most people have parents which will leave them an inheritance- it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to dictate how they use their house whilst it’s still their property

Viviennemary Tue 26-May-20 21:17:51

It's quite a difficult one. Probably she should give up the room as she doesn't stay there often but I see why she is reluctant to. I dont think it should be redecorate for her though.

Frankola Tue 26-May-20 21:17:57

Shes being spoiled and ridiculous. She needs to give up the room

SocksForceFive Tue 26-May-20 21:17:59

Have you explained to her the consequences of her refusing to give up the room?

I think your husband needs to have a grown up conversation with her about what it means in real life and the circumstances in which your daughters are living.

I'm sure she's not a bad person, just very immature. She needs to own the consequences of her actions, including thr possibility of splitting up her Dad with his partner.

GabriellaMontez Tue 26-May-20 21:18:37

Your girls get a room each. When the princess stays, your girls share and the princess has a room to herself.

Your daughters dont deserve to be treated like 2nd class citizens. If necessary sell or let the house and move.

User57327259 Tue 26-May-20 21:19:44

Could you rent out the house that you are living in and use that income to be able to afford a 4 bedroom house? What about converting the attic? An extension downstairs?

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