Married, but very poor sex life - frustrated

[Flower34]

I’m in late 30s. Married, 3 kids. In the last few months (or years??) our sex life has been very poor. I’m deeply frustrated and I don’t know what to do.

The 12yr old goes to bed around 9pm but doesn’t really sleep until 10-1030pm. We also have 5yr old twins. They share a room (we have 2 single beds in their room) but DS started sleeping in our bed last year when he was ill and it has now become permanent. Since last summer, I started sleeping in his room as it was getting too tight for 3 people.

My libido is crazy these days. DH is’nt bothered about sleeping separately. He sometimes asks if I want Sex and if I am not already asleep by then, we do it in the living room downstairs. It’s all done in 15-20 mins constantly worried the 12 yr old will walk in. I hate it. I really hate going down for it - it’s a mood killer. That too, we do it only once a month!!

I’m reasonably fit and attractive. I don’t know what the problem is. DH says I sleep too early. I sleep right after the kids sleep as I have to wake up at 5am for work on most days.

The 12 year old is going to BILs house for his cousin’s birthday dinner and games tonite ( BIL lives 5 mins away, DS is the only guest, they are playing some party games while social distancing in the garden. Pls don’t have a go at me for this). He’ll be back around 11pm. I was hoping for a good time today, but ended up arguing with DH over his shit show in everything (doesn’t do much housework etc). Obviously no sex tonite. I don’t want it. But I need a release.

Any thoughts on wtf (no pun intended) should I do?

[Standupthisisnotateaparty]

If you need the release then I suggest some single tennis. Or some angry sex.

[Flower34]

People who voted YABU, please can you explain??

[Flower34]

What’s angry sex?

Single tennis tomorrow then :(

[Flowersinthewild]

Angry sex or make up sex really off the cards op?

[Aquamarine1029]

You need to get the 5 year old back in their own bed immediately. That's not good for anyone or anything.

[Flowersinthewild]

Angry sex - where you make up but are secretly pissed off

[123Pandora]

Tie him up and fck him like your riding a donkey. Or if you want to go solo. Buy yourself a nice vibrator and go for it

[CodenameVillanelle]

Get the 5 year old back in their own bed
Have sex in your bed with the door locked before you go to sleep
Move your bed to the opposite wall if you're worried your 12 year old will hear

[Flower34]

Angry sex only if DH initiates. I doubt he’ll even bother. I’m already on “MY” bed in the kids room, DD (5yr old) is asleep, DS2 is in bed and DH is reading him a story. DH came here for a book, took it and went. Didn’t even look at me.

[glitterbiscuits]

Move the children to their own rooms!
Surly now would be great time?
Do you still like your husband?

[Flowersinthewild]

You need to sort this situation out kids back in same room and a little bolt at the top of your door in your room so the 12 year old can’t just walk in.

[Teacaketotty]

You need to get the kids in their own rooms and start sleeping as a couple again - that’s a total mood killer!

[Flower34]

It’s karma catching up I guess. I used to judge people who have affairs. I TOTALLY understand now. 100%

I hate the 15-20 min sex. It’s not love making. It’s just meeting needs (barely). I don’t feel loved or desired. There isn’t a lot of foreplay, there isn’t a lot of kissing.
It’s like this: 5mins - light up the fire. 5 mins my job, 10 mins his job. Wipe, wash hands and good night.

The way he asks if I want to do it ! It’s such a turn off! I go because I have biological needs. Most of the time I’m already asleep anyway. Doesn’t great sex begin with loving conversations? Holding hands? Lots of kissing? I don’t understand what his fcuking problem is (no pun again)!! It’s all soo monotonous and job-like!

[Flower34]

Do you still like your husband?

I don’t know

[user8558]

Honestly, masterbate, quick and easy, clears the head and let's you get on with your day. I much prefer being self sufficient.

[wizzbangfizz]

Doing it yourself isn't the same! I really empathise OP I'm in a similar boat and no answers here

[Healthyandhappy]

We always have sex downstairs every saturday but at mo hes been a dick head so no way! This week just gone.
My dd goes sleep about 1030 do it 1130 ish and no loving convo neither lol

[mrsm43s]

Look, if you're going to sleep shortly after the children, and sleeping in a separate room to your DH, then the only option is a grabbed "quickie" here and there.

If you want long, languorous sex sessions, then you need to have a period of time where both you and DH are in the same room (preferably bed) and there are no children around.

Get back into the marital bed, get a lock on the door, and send your 12 year old to be at a reasonable time (9-9.30ish) so that you get some adult time with your DH.

[Teacaketotty]

I agree with PP - you can’t expect long, passionate sex sessions with kids in the bed or separate rooms. You need to prioritise time for you as a couple or nothing will change. A quickie on the couch is all your routine allows for so you can’t really blame your DH for that.

You need to be together in bed every night for spontaneous sex to happen.

[notalwaysalondoner]

It sounds like because of your frustration you’re increasingly seeing him as existing only to service your sexual needs. It shouldn’t be a big deal that he comes in to get a children’s book and doesn’t jump you...

First, have a proper conversation about it with him.

Second, get your 5 year old out of your bedroom. Put locks on the doors.

Third, try and align your bedtimes a bit more: is there a reason he also can’t go to bed early and get up early?

Fourth, take some responsibility for the lack of variety. It doesn’t sound like you are constantly trying to mix stuff up and he’s rebuffing you - it sounds like you are both stuck in the rut of the quick 15 minute approach.

Believe me I know the pain - I’m deeply in love with my DH but our sex life has pretty much always been mediocre and dull in my eyes since we left university, but he seems very happy with it. And TTC has made it even more monotonous. Sometimes you wonder if you can put up with it forever but it seems like such a small thing to make a big deal out of.

[Lweji]

Doesn’t great sex begin with loving conversations? Holding hands? Lots of kissing?

Not always.

Can you do like Marshall and Lily from HIMYM and have a time out on the argument just for the night?

[Lweji]

But it doesn't look like you have a sex issue rather than a relationship issue. The loving conversation and holding hands should happen throughout the day not just for sex.

[Flower34]

Lweji

We struggle to have even essential conversations without kids poking in or needing something. We never even have a cup of coffee quietly. Because of our work routines, things are even more impossible.

[Flower34]

Also, the argument is finished in 10 mins. He is in the other room. I’m dying here. I’m not going to ask.

If he doesn’t come in 5 mins, I’ll do downstairs for single tennis. I hate it. HATE IT.

[Flower34]

I have to admit, I have a huge issue with initiating things myself. It’s a mood killer. I don’t feel “desired” when I have to ask.

I always thought men want it 24/7 and mine turned out quite the opposite. He doesn’t fancy me perhaps?? I’m thinking a lot about this and probably also depressed.