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Do I share news of miscarriage with in laws if they didnt know I was pregnant in the first place?

(42 Posts)
Craycray12 Tue 26-May-20 18:58:53

Hi, I am currently 4months pregnant, with a much wanted baby. I have had a HORRENDOUS pregnancy so far with really severe sickness ( hyperemesis gravidarum) so chose not to share news of my pregnancy with anyone. A week ago I started having heavy bleeding and pains and had to go into hospital. It was at this stage I told my mum and siblings as they were worried sick about me. Doctors have told me my baby will not make it and only a matter of time before I miscarry.
Due to the nature of my problem I will be going into get induce sometime in the next week. Now I'm wondering if I need to share the news with my in laws?? I am not very close with them and they are unaware I am pregnant. Now that there will be no baby I wonder is there any point in even telling them??? My MIL share the news with everyone even if we ask her not to, so all close family and friends will end up knowing. I am struggling to get my head around losing my baby and really dont want to talk about it. Would you still tell? Do they need to know if there wont even be a baby anymore?

OP’s posts: |
missbipolar Tue 26-May-20 19:04:06

I wouldn't, if your not close theres no reason to tell them

Athe Tue 26-May-20 19:04:07

Will your partner want to access support from his family?

mindutopia Tue 26-May-20 19:04:08

If you don't need their support and they don't even know you're pregnant, I can't see why you would have a reason to. I didn't tell my MIL that I had a MC because we didn't speak to her at that point. None of her business and she wouldn't have been there to support us.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 26-May-20 19:05:09

My MIL share the news with everyone even if we ask her not to, so all close family and friends will end up knowing. I am struggling to get my head around losing my baby and really dont want to talk about it

No. A million times no. Please don't.

Once you have told them, you won't be able to undo it, and if MIL is the type to disregard your wishes and you end up feeling let down by her response/attitude over this, it could permanently damage your relationship, which I'm sure you don't want.

Be very kind to yourself right now and make things as easy as they can be, and it looks like that means NOT telling your inlaws.

I am so sorry to hear about your baby and wish you all the best flowers

AlwaysCheddar Tue 26-May-20 19:06:11

What dies your do want to do?

TryingtobePrepared Tue 26-May-20 19:06:15

Firstly I am so sorry you're going through this and especially now, when life is do strange already. My MIL doesn't know I misscarried before DD1, she hadn't known I was pregnant and there was no need. She's lovely but she wouldn't, at the time, have been a source of support to either of us. DP didn't want to tell her or any family on his side but did talk to some friends. We did tell my parents and they hadn't known I was pregnant and we valued their support. You need to do what's best for you, both only you know what that really is and where you're best support will come from.

Pleasenodont Tue 26-May-20 19:07:41

It’s up to your DH really. He may need his family’s support and I think if your family know, he should be able to reach out to his too.

Very sorry for your loss flowers.

Junebug2020 Tue 26-May-20 19:08:37

I do think this is up to your dp, if he wants to tell his parents.
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation.

happytoday73 Tue 26-May-20 19:08:47

Do you want to tell them? Or just feel you should?
Does your DH want to tell them or just feel they should know?

I'd use those answers as a basis of decision. Many women have unfortunately had miscarriages so your MIL response may suprise you if you did tell her. It may build a closeness (or blow it out of water)...

Meredithgrey1 Tue 26-May-20 19:08:53

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'd be weighing up two things, firstly the fact you say she'll share this information would make me strongly not want to tell her. But for me, my DH's feelings would be very important. Is he close to his parents, and does he feel like he'll need support from them?

MindyStClaire Tue 26-May-20 19:08:56

There's no right or wrong answer here, it's your decision. However it's also your husband's decision as they are his family and it's his loss too. Take your time to decide together.

One thing I will say (and this may be coloured by the fact that I am close to my in-laws), is that what you're going through is huge and you may find it more exhausting to keep it quiet long term. I'm thinking not just of grief now, but nerves in any future pregnancy. But again, very personal.

I'm very sorry for your loss, what a horrible time you've had. flowers

SionnachGlic Tue 26-May-20 19:11:05

Hi Craycray 12,

I am so sorry that you & your other half are going through this. If your own Mum will share then might she likely at some point in the future mention it to your MIL? Or some other family member say something. If so, that could cause problems for your relationship down the road with your ILs if you decided against telling your MIL confident that she need never know or find out.

I think best thing is discuss with your husband/partner. They are his mother/parents & he may want them to know or need their support. He can also be clear that you are not able to talk about it right now & ask that they respect your feelings.

So very sorry again.

Nihiloxica Tue 26-May-20 19:15:20

Will your partner want to access support from his family?

This is the main question I'd be asking.

Not that it means you have to tell her if you think she'll be indiscreet, but I think it's a decision for you two to take together.

If he doesn't want to tell her, then that's decision made. They have no need to know.

If he does, then it might be worth thinking about whether his need for support from his Mammy changes how you feel about her knowing.

Could she be prevailed upon to keep quiet if it was to help her son through a tough time? A miscarriage is not really something people gossip about. (Which is not to say she won't, you know her.)

I'm so sorry for your loss. sad

R2519 Tue 26-May-20 19:31:09

If your husband wants to tell his family to get support off them then that is his decision, not yours, although it would usually be a joint decision. I completely understand why you wouldn't want them knowing. They sound horrible. Unfortunately all those saying you shouldn't tell them are forgetting your husband has a right to tell his family if he needs support through this and he is able to get it from them.

You don't say whether he is close to them or if he wants them to know so all this maybe irrelevant if he isnt and doesnt.

Witsend101 Tue 26-May-20 19:34:55

So sorry to hear about your situation. I think you need to think about whether your partner will need support from his family. Also, from experience, I found that keeping it to myself made me feel on edge later on when talking to family members who didn't know what I'd been through and it was much harder to have to explain further down the line.

Ghostlyglow Tue 26-May-20 19:40:18

No. Don't tell them.

sunflowersandtulips50 Tue 26-May-20 19:42:57

Dont tell them. They wont understand your grief...my MIL was not very nice when I lost my baby at 22 weeks and i heard her on the phone telling my OH that 'well she didnt really want it anyway'. Eh what? It caused a huge upset for me and I distanced myself from her

FudgeBrownie2019 Tue 26-May-20 19:48:25

Only share the news if its in your own best interests to do so. It sounds very much like it's not, so think about how well prepared you are to handle MIL's spreading of your news, and make your decision based on that.

I'm not an MIL hater at all but in your shoes I wouldn't tell mine, either; she's exactly the sort who would share it far and wide and loss like this isn't something to gossip about. flowers Sorry to hear your sad news OP. Sending love.

GooodMythicalMorning Tue 26-May-20 19:49:55

I wouldn't. you dont need them doing that as well as everything else going on. sad

Moogletea Tue 26-May-20 19:50:12

I'm so sorry you've lost your baby. No one can tell you the answer though on whether to tell or not. You just have to do what you think is right for you both xx I too have lost babies so know just how hard it is. Look after yourself and each other xx

Craycray12 Tue 26-May-20 20:19:41

Hi everyone
Thank you for your support.
DH has said it's up to me if I want them to know. He doesn't really mind and he is a very strong person who doesnt really need much support. Once drs told me about miscarriage I did tell DH he can tell is family if he wants as I know he will need support too but he decided not to. Dh has a very relaxed it is what it is sort of attitude towards everything, don't get me wrong he is upset but he isnt the type to sit and overthink things like me esp something he has no control over.
In terms of support from ILS for myself, I know there wont be much of that. ILS know I have been in and out of hospital with health issues (pregnancy) for the past few months and haven't once bothered to call or ask if I'm ok.
I guess the only reason I'm thinking we might want to tell is incase they hear off someone else. My mum is somewhat religious and after finding out about me she did ask afew extended family members to say a prayer for me so I dont know if it will get out.

OP’s posts: |
peperethecat Tue 26-May-20 20:21:37

In the circumstances you describe I would not tell them. The rule of thumb in these situations is to only tell people if you think they will be helpful.

I'm so very sorry. flowers

unchienandalusia Tue 26-May-20 20:23:22

So sorry for your loss. Hope you're ok. Agree with PPs. I think this is an issue for your DP to decide.

Craycray12 Tue 26-May-20 20:24:34

Mil will definitely share news with family friends, I dont think she will do it to gossip but just to say but I dont want that.. i mean people tell others when they miscarry if they dont already know you are pregnant???
At the same time afew on here have said it was really difficult for them later when the subject of miscarriage etc came up and I hadn't thought of that.. I think in future one day in the right situation I may find it easier to talk or find myself In a difficult situation where I want to talk about it but cant due to the fact I kept it hidden.

OP’s posts: |

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