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To want to limit contact with friend who is always moaning

(18 Posts)
wenhen11 Tue 26-May-20 16:06:42

I have a friend who i have known a few years now, she is living in.a different part of the country now but we are mainly in touch through email and the phone. She has anxiety about talking on the phone so we never do (which i empathise with).
Anyway she has been through a lot in her life but she seems really stuck in her past. She moans constantly to me about things and anything i suggest, she will just shoot down. I've suggested therapy as a way of helping but she refuses to go.

Her birthday is a few days before mine and every year it's the same thing with her moaning about how old she is ( she's 35) and going on about her older brother teasing her for ageing. Again i empathise but it's hard to hear sometimes.

She is living next door to someone who bullied her in school and while this person no longer bothers her, i think the residual trauma from the bullying is still there. She is constantly taking photos through her bedroom window of this person and sending them to me. I know this person was a bully, but at the same time i find how she is constantly taking photos of her really creepy.

I've become kinda worn down by the whole thing and it's at the point where i dread hearing from this woman, yet i would feel like a bad friend for just dropping her. Aibu?

OP’s posts: |
BubblesThaDragoon Tue 26-May-20 16:14:23

Why is she taking pictures of her? That does sound very weird to be honest.

Has your friend always been like this? Or is it something that has worsened over time?

I wouldn’t completely cut contact with her, could you change the subject when she starts moaning?

Does she have any other support at all - or are you the only person she speaks to about this?

wenhen11 Tue 26-May-20 16:23:18

@BubblesThaDragoon to be honest I'm not really sure why she takes photos of this woman, she does it of other neighbours too and i find it increasingly creepy. She has always kinda been like this but i would say that it's gradually gotten worse in the last few years.
I'm really the only person who she speaks to about things

OP’s posts: |
EmeraldShamrock Tue 26-May-20 16:27:20

Yanbu negativity pulls you down, I don't mind a good old moan sometimes but when it is everytime. DP is naturally negative I always sing "why does it always rain in me" it snaps him out of it. She's obsessed with her bully if taking photographs.
I'd back of for awhile.

wenhen11 Tue 26-May-20 16:36:20

@EmeraldShamrock (great username by the way), I'm the same and can be as guilty of moaning as the next person but when it's all the time it gets tiring. I'm sorry you deal with the same thing with dp

OP’s posts: |
Pleasenodont Tue 26-May-20 16:39:32

Taking pictures of the neighbour is creepy beyond belief. I think she’s mentally ill, she clearly needs professional help and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to distance yourself at all.

Winter2020 Tue 26-May-20 16:42:54

tricky and perhaps you could write a shorter breezier reply to use less head space. E.g. sorry to hear your health has not been great. Hope you feel better soon. I went for a walk to x the other day ... Perhaps if she doesn't get much reaction she will stop the focus on moaning?

I would though ask her to please stop sending you pictures of people taken without their permission. I would tell her that you don't think she should be taking them and that if she gets in trouble/reported you don't want to be implicated as being involved. (keep a copy of your request). If she sends more pictures repeat your request and if she still sends the pictures just reply that as you are being sent these pictures which the person didn't consent to and you don't want them that you will be deleting her emails without opening them.

letsdolunch321 Tue 26-May-20 16:43:00

I suggest you are not as contactable as you have been previously. Negative energy is very draining, it is not attractive in any form, we all have situations that arise and deal with them. Maybe you friend would benefit from counselling.

EmeraldShamrock Tue 26-May-20 16:43:15

Aww thanks. It is easy to correct DP and put him on the right track, it is harder with a friend as they get offended if you ask them to STFU moaning. 🤣😆

DamnYankee Tue 26-May-20 16:48:47

She's mad as a March Hare. Take your tea and bread and butter and back away from the table, ASAP.
I had a friend who moaned all the time. Every single conversation was about about her anxiety, depression, and joint issues. She would detail every single medication she was on.
(I am on meds for A & D, too, but this is not something I wanted/want to discuss).
Never really asked about me, my life, or my children.
To be fair, I tried to keep in mind her father was a physician. He was an odd, cold fish of man who only gave her attention when she was sick.
It finally took its toll, though. After many years, I gradually cut contact.

TenShortStories Tue 26-May-20 16:54:18

She sounds like she's really struggling with her mental health due to her past. It's a difficult one because obviously that is incredibly tough for her and warrants sympathy. At the same time, those offering support will sometimes only be able to take so much when the person is doing nothing to help their situation themselves and the relationship is eternally in one direction. It can be very draining. I'd say don't give more than you can cope with giving. It's OK to acknowledge the relationship has become emotionally exhausting for you and you need to take a step back.

DeeCeeCherry Tue 26-May-20 17:39:23

She's using you as a sounding board, and an outlet for creepy behaviour. But she's a friend not a stranger so I don't understand why you can't just tell her? You just have to be direct and choose your words, but say what you mean. What's the point of dropping her then going through avoiding her messages etc? Just tell her. If she doesn't listen then at least you know you've mentioned it. If you can't say it then text it but dropping out of her life without saying anything seems a bit wicked. I wouldn't want her as a friend but I'd have spoken up about bothersome things already.

Mucklowe Tue 26-May-20 17:57:39

She sounds like a total drain. Get rid.

queenofblingbling Wed 27-May-20 00:13:43

I agree with TenShortStories

NooneElseIsSingingMySong Wed 27-May-20 00:23:17

I had a friend like this. Previous issues due to a traumatic event but she just spiralled, started calling me loads, every conversation was the same with no resolution. She didn’t want advice, she wanted to moan about the same thing over and over again even though it was in the past. She refused to seek any help. Then she started making quite unkind comments towards me, then I’d had enough and I just let the friendship go. It’s a weight off my mind to be honest. I couldn’t be the help she needed and she just dragged me down til I couldn’t do it any more.

TastyCheese Wed 27-May-20 00:25:53

No that would drive me nuts YANBU - and taking photos of someone - in this case there is not even a current issue with them - is well - all shades of weird

Plumpi Wed 27-May-20 00:29:08

I agree with PP, just tell her. First, that her comments about ageing are depressing because you are also getting older and yet think you still have value as person. Second, just ask her why she is taking photos. Like, it's confrontational, but if you're considering dropping her, what have you got to lose.

bullyingadvice2017 Wed 27-May-20 00:52:47

Try to be less available.

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