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AIBU?

Grieving bf needs space

71 replies

mypinkmug · 26/05/2020 15:30

My boyfriend of 4 months has lost a family member unexpectedly and tragically.
He is grieving heavily and not sleeping, crying and going through all the emotions.
The man is only dead three weeks and I cannot be with my bf due to lock down but we have been texting and talking regularly until he told me at the weekend that he needed space and time out on his own.
I am worried about him.It is not about me but I can't help but feel rejected.
?
It is a new relationship, started just before lockdown but it had great potential. I am
Worried that it is over now and feel guilty for feeling that way too.what doIndo? How long do I leave him be without contact?

OP posts:

Report

ParkheadParadise · 26/05/2020 15:35

That sounds tough.
Everyone deals with grief differently. I know when it was me I went to bed with the duvet over my head I could have stayed there forever.
Maybe keep in contact by text and let him know you are there if he needs you.

mypinkmug · 26/05/2020 15:36

Even though he asked for space? Thanks

OP posts:

zscaler · 26/05/2020 15:39

I would give it a couple of days and then send a message saying something like ‘just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you’ so there’s no obligation to reply but you’re still checking in. He will probably be back in touch in his own time in the next few days.

ParkheadParadise · 26/05/2020 15:39

I wouldn't be texting all the time maybe once a week just to check in with him.
Hopefully soon you will be able to meet up.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2020 15:43

He wants space. Please respect that.
Everyone grieves differently.
I needed space as well so I know why he's asked for this.
My Ex did not give me the space I needed.
I ended it! Couldn't deal another needy human when I was grieving.
Let him be, please!

mypinkmug · 26/05/2020 15:46

Thanks. So will I let him be totally . Not contact him again until he makes contact?

OP posts:

Muh2020 · 26/05/2020 15:49

Don't contact him anymore.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2020 15:55

Yes, sorry, I think you need to leave him be completely until he is ready to come to you.

mypinkmug · 26/05/2020 15:57

That seems very uncaring towards him though. For those who asked for space from bfs or gfs , in the acute stages of grief, did you mean absolutely no contact or did you appreciate a weekly text with no demand to answer?

OP posts:

mypinkmug · 26/05/2020 15:57

Crossed posts @hellsbellsmelons

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2020 16:47

I think it's more uncaring to ignore what he has requested and needs right now.
But.... having said that, if you really have to text and disrespect his wishes then a very non-committal one.
'Just wanted you to know that I am here if you need me at all. I'll leave you alone until you want to talk or need some support....'

mypinkmug · 26/05/2020 16:53

Thanks. I appreciate the replies. I will
Leave him be. I would hate for him to feel disrespected . It is because I worry and care so perhaps I am being selfish.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 27/05/2020 09:46

OP,
Loosing some you love suddenly is absolutely devastating and your world can feel like a surreal fog.

This can go on for up to two years and longer.

Have a really good think about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who has such a long hard road ahead of them.

They have so many stages of grief to go through.

You will need to be completely in the background and expect very, very little from them.

You are with this poor man very little time.

Do you really want to give so much time to someone, who through no fault of their own, just may not have the head space for a new relationship.

I'm trying to tell you have absolutely zero expectations from him as he tries to get through this.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 10:48

Thanks@billy1966 for replying.
I don't know whatI want . I feel confused too. I know I like him
And thought we had great potential.
He wants space and I worry about him but feel rejected too.
I think it would be too hard to be in a relationship if he was grieving like this for two years.
I am not experienced enough.I think.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 27/05/2020 18:06

This can go on for up to two years and longer
Absolutely - I'm still not even through denial phase of my little sister dying just over 2 years ago.
I'm not in the right head space at all for any relationship.
Had to end one not long after she died and I'm still not OK.
Add to that my mums death end of February.....
Just know that he needs space right now.
He may need some support from you in the future.
If he has good friends and family to support him, he may not reach out to you at all.
Just be prepared for that.
It's totally shit because you want to help and support him.
But it's just not how grieving works.

BecomingMe · 27/05/2020 18:09

Have you actually met him?

Standupthisisnotateaparty · 27/05/2020 18:17

If he asked for space I would reply something along the lines of. ‘Of course whatever you need. I’m only a phone call away if you need to me talk I’m here if you need me”

Standupthisisnotateaparty · 27/05/2020 18:17

Not that message though that’s far too many need me’s.

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 19:57

Thanks. Yes we have met! We are together 4 months . It is shit.

OP posts:

mypinkmug · 27/05/2020 20:02

Can a man really forget about a woman that quickly even if he has a good support network? Has he not thought about me at all. I feel terrible.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 27/05/2020 20:05

4 months in total or 4 months pre lockdown? Because we have been locked down for over 2 months. Keep this in perspective- you probably aren't the one to support him at this time.

user1471442488 · 27/05/2020 20:09

@mypinkmug

Can a man really forget about a woman that quickly even if he has a good support network? Has he not thought about me at all. I feel terrible.

You should feel terrible, you are being really selfish. Your posts are more about you feeling rejected than how he feels. Take a good look at yourself.

Floatyboat · 27/05/2020 20:14

Maybe he finds frequent reporting of his feelings difficult. Maybe suggest going for a long walk somewhere nice together, or tennis or something. There's always a point when talking just becomes a bit much.

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 27/05/2020 20:20

You are coming across as very self-absorbed OP. This isn't about how you feel

EatsShootsAndRuns · 27/05/2020 20:24

@mypinkmug

Can a man really forget about a woman that quickly even if he has a good support network? Has he not thought about me at all. I feel terrible.

It's not about you though, is it. He's asked for space, give him the space he needs. Truly if you persist in pushing him now you'll push him right away.

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