Hi all
NC for obvious reasons.
Divorced several months back was dragged through courts. During this time I was badly assaulted (unrelated, actual bodily harm) and subsequently diagnosed with PTSD.
ExH is now playing mind games in the midst of this pandemic where I can't go out because shielding. We have 2 x DC under 10 who live with me. I've been managing to control my symptoms for several weeks now - agoraphobia had eased (because I can't go out), as had anxiety (neither can my DC), but because of the stress exH (and his horrid family) is putting on me my anxiety levels are once again through the roof, I'm short of breath with the onset of panic attacks, I can't sleep, can't eat, having awful flashbacks and the loop of over thinking is incessant. Debilitating. I feel like I've regressed and I can't turn it around quickly enough.
If he was to be informed of my PTSD diagnoses as a tool to get him to back off, does this mean there's a risk I may lose my DC??? I'm terrified that if he doesn't stop I will crumble. I don't break in front of them but I completely shut down - I'm at least conscious of that.
I've got an emergency phone appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow but I just don't know what to do to make this better. Would it go against me if they knew? I'm so scared that they are going to break me.
AIBU?
Would PTSD be judged?
user0866785432 · 26/05/2020 10:42
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and you're doing so well to cope and stay strong for your DC.
To reassure you, I'm an adoptive mum to 2 DDs of 11 and 8 and I suffer from complex PTSD and CFS (and now long-term COVID-19 symptoms) and no one has suggested that I'm not fit to bring up my DDs safely. There was SS involvement at one point (at my own request, no one had expressed concerns about my parenting), but all they wanted to see was that I was taking the right steps to seek support for my issues.
You'll get through this, just keep on as you are doing and seek support when you need it, and you will get through this. 
I have, or have had, cPTSD. I don't mind who knows, as it isn't a source of shame to me. Strictly speaking it's not a mental health disorder: it's a psychological injury. It's also a textbook, human and very normal response to extreme trauma. Although it can make you very physically unwell, it's not so debilitating that it precludes you caring for yourself or dependent children. It's also eminently treatable (EMDR therapy has changed my life).
It's very doubtful a court would remove children from your care for this reason, and it's also likely that if a former partner tried to use this against you, they'd recognise this ploy for what it is. Don't forget, they see this every day. That said - as a former sufferer myself I'm well aware of the kind of abuser who would use this as a tactic against you. If you're thinking of using the PTSD diagnosis as a means of making him back off, don't. Here's a story of what happened when I did this.
I grew up with an abusive father (one of the main reasons I've carried the condition around with me for so many years). He was never in my confidence but he was the first person who learned I had been raped at 15. I finally broke, after having him constantly in my face, needling me, pinning me up against walls where I couldn't run away so I'd be trapped while he sneered unpleasantries in my face but he wouldn't leave a mark. I was in that position one day two years after the rape and threw it out at him in desperation as the only means I could find to make him back off and leave me alone. It felt like my only escape mechanism.
He went absolutely ballistic. First he victim-blamed me telling me it was my fault because I was a slut (as if he'd know). Then he told me he didn't believe me anyway. Then he assaulted me. Then he tried to call the police, which I didn't want because I was afraid the whole street would find out and laugh at me (my two rapists had mocked my anatomy and made me feel like a freak). Also, my memory of the event was hazy (I later learned this too was likely a response to trauma, but with two rapists' word against mine and the whole event partly blocked out by hysterical amnesia, what chance would I ever have had in court)? Then came his trump card: if the rapists ever did it to anyone else it would be my fault.
The reason I'm posting this info here is borne out of a strong conviction that it's never a good idea to give an abuser leverage. Once they see a vulnerable area, they don't let up. Don't tell him. It's not going to make him back off, and if you're as unfortunate as I was it will have the opposite effect. But nor do I think you should fear that if the diagnosis did become known, your children would be taken away.
I hope you can get the help you need. It's a truly dreadful condition. It seems impossible to see the end of the tunnel when you're in that situation, but with time and the right treatment, you will. If I did, anyone can.
@Dinosauratemydaffodils yes I'm on beta blockers. Sorry I missed that again. 
@MarieIVanArkleStinks - bloody hell. I am just so sorry at what you've been through. I cannot begin to imagine how scared you must have been. In the beginning of my divorce proceedings a family friend decided he was going to try it on: I told him no and confided in my sisters. One asked what I was wearing and the other said I was a drama queen. Turns out they are flying monkeys and my parents are Narcs. No wonder I felt so comfortable entering into an entirely (financially) abusive marriage, and then the emotional abuse came. I have been through enough therapy for a lifetimes worth and I was doing so well. Then I was attacked and thought I was going to die. Even typing that is terrifying. My DC get anxious each time they ever go to my exH - they worry worry worry that I will die. I nearly got killed that night of the attack and I cannot get past it. They're who keep me here, and now all the fears and the flashbacks have come back.
Sorry to go on. I'm so so sorry at what you've been through. I don't know what to say apart from honestly well done for travelling your path and for keeping the light ahead of you.
Thank you for the kind words, OP. I've had EMDR twice, as the memories came back gradually after my DSis and I had repressed them for many years; they came back once we had young DC. I paid privately the first time, while there was a police investigation going on, which was horribly expensive, then I had more EMDR on the NHS a couple of years later. (Like you, I was worried about SS, which was why I hadn't approached my GP surgery initially.)
The surgery was excellent in the end, I was referred to a psychotherapist. It was a long waiting list, though. But I very much recommend it, and it will demonstrate that you're taking action to find help.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.