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Small age gap

(22 Posts)
twotreesandaball Tue 26-May-20 10:16:24

Can someone talk me out of being upset that I won't have a small age gap between my children?

We conceived our daughter straight away but have been trying for 13 months for the second one.

I'm upset about it, about the age gap and I'm also wondering if it will ever happen anyway.

Whenever I'm out, all I see is people with two children that seem very close in age!

Is a bigger age gap really all that bad?

OP’s posts: |
formerbabe Tue 26-May-20 10:17:35

How old is your dd?

twotreesandaball Tue 26-May-20 10:20:47

2y3m

OP’s posts: |
RiverRide Tue 26-May-20 10:28:20

Here are a couple of articles in favour of a bigger age gap:
1. freakonomics.com/2011/11/17/want-smarter-kids-space-them-at-least-two-years-apart/
2. www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/women-should-leave-least-year-between-pregnancies/

There are probably more, but these seemed the most useful

SunbathingDragon Tue 26-May-20 10:29:21

I think there are pros and cons for both but ultimately all parents make the best of the situation they find themselves in.

twotreesandaball Tue 26-May-20 10:30:03

Thanks river

OP’s posts: |
RiverRide Tue 26-May-20 10:30:37

This one is a bit old, but also possibly relevant: www.nytimes.com/1985/05/28/science/spacing-of-siblings-strongly-linked-to-success-in-life.html

zscaler Tue 26-May-20 10:32:09

There is at least 2 years between me and each of my siblings and they are (and always have been) my best friends.

twotreesandaball Tue 26-May-20 10:32:43

Our age gap could be more like 3.5/4 years

OP’s posts: |
AdoptedBumpkin Tue 26-May-20 10:33:09

I know a family with a ten year age gap between brothers and they got on very well. The older one was able to give good advice to the younger one with the added benefit of extra life experience.

2007Millie Tue 26-May-20 10:33:15

I am coming to terms there won't be a small age gap as we are still TTC #2. However, after researching, I would say 90% of studies point to it being beneficial to having a bigger gap so that reassured me

zingally Tue 26-May-20 10:33:26

You're seeing a lot of people with kids close in age because it's on your mind. smile

There's 3 years almost exactly between my sister and I.
There was 9 years between my dad and his brother.

It really doesn't matter. Honestly, it doesn't.

twotreesandaball Tue 26-May-20 10:34:13

Yes and I guess I have 1:1 time with her now she's small and not completely distracted with a newborn. Plus lockdown.. would be awful actually!

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twotreesandaball Tue 26-May-20 10:35:17

There's 4 years between all of my siblings, me then 4 years then another 4 years another brother. We cover 12 years in age gaps

OP’s posts: |
StirlingWork Tue 26-May-20 10:43:30

I think large age gaps 7 years plus have the advantages of being an only child - not so dependent on company - but also ultimately the advantage of a sibling - social support/solidarity as they get older - it's win/win!!!

tattychicken Tue 26-May-20 10:47:55

Planned a small (18mth -2 year gap) between DC1 and DC2. Secondary infertility turned that into a 4 year age gap which I struggled to deal with as like you I'd imagined them being close.
I then went in to have two further "surprise" pregnancies in quick succession, so only about 12-13 months between DC2, DC3 and DC4.
The reality of having children very close in age was tough. Most of their early years are a blur to me. I had very little one on one time, and yes, they had times when they played together but also times when they were being difficult or needy and I was pulled in different directions.
I envied the Mums who had eg one at preschool and a baby at home, then one at primary and one at home to do fun things with.
I suppose what I'm saying is, there are good bits and bad bits about a small gap and a larger gap. It's out of your control to a large extent as to what gap you end up with, so focus on the good bits about a larger gap, rather than mourn the imaginary experience of having them close together.

Needtobuildabridge Tue 26-May-20 10:48:20

We're 4.5 years apart, and my sister and I are the best of friends.
The age gap meant that we didn't have any jealousy or wanting the same toys/clothes at the same time. I sat my GCSEs as she sat her primary school SATs and I was able to help her revise and explain high school to her.
I'd love to have the same age gap with mine!

LoisLittsLover Tue 26-May-20 10:54:25

We have a planned 5 year gap and I think it's pretty perfect

twotreesandaball Tue 26-May-20 11:59:22

Guess I'm just completely in shock about not conceiving because first time was no problem at all. It's really getting to me now after 13 months

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PanicOnTheStreets85 Tue 26-May-20 12:02:33

I'm less than 2 years younger than my brother. He was very jealous when I turned up and it's been bad ever since.

My sister is 4 years younger and we get along very well.

Hagster Tue 26-May-20 12:19:35

There's 9 years between me and the next siblings, because of fertility issues in our family. Whilst our relationship is probably different to if we'd been closer in age, I think there were and are lots of benefits too. We never fought really, I felt like a bit of a mentor to them so got to feel like I was using the gap to 'help', and we very much had/have our own separate identities as we had our own 'space' in the family so to speak. No real jealousy from me as older sib either as I just didn't want the same stuff as them 🤷‍♀️. Just got annoyed when they didn't have to do (*insert chore here*) when they reached the same age as I had been doing it 😂🙄. ⁣

On another note, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties conceiving, it's so tough, I completely understand. You have enough going on, so whilst I get the worry about having a big age gap, it is honestly one thing I would say to try to think a bit differently about if you can. x

wowsaid Tue 26-May-20 14:26:45

I guess in the grand scheme of things, age gap really isn't important is it

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