why does my boyfriend only want sex when he's drunk?

[belladona24]

Hi,
So my boyfriend and I have being living together for a few months now and will be having are one year anniversary in few weeks.
Don't get me wrong here, our relationship is great we have amazing chemistry, we hardly fight and if we do its just silly little annoying things that are nothing, however I find that he's just not making any effort anymore. Im always trying to be romantic, and he just says oh now we live together wants the point. Then I think if its like that already then whats the point?
But want really upsets me is Ive noticed he only wants to touch me and have sex when it suits him aka after a few beers.
Why does he only want me when he's pissed, it makes me feel like shit, at first I looked forward to Friday night getting drunk but now I feel like Im not enough for him. but then I don't understand because other aspects of relationship are great we love and respect each other very much. I feel like im going crazy and i just want attention all the time
I know sex isn't the bee all and end all but i love passion and feeling that connection through sex to me its more then just being physical its about the chemistry and a few months ago we had mind lowing chemistry.
But I don't even care about sex really i just want him to want me when he's not pissed is that too much to ask.
like if this is want a relationship is after only one year whats in going to be like in 5 years?
I just feel like since we've taken a big step to move in together we've lost out chemistry and our relationship has aged 10 years. does anyone have any advice to reassure me.
Ive truly never been so in love but i don't want to waste my time with someone who's going to give up after one year of being together.
Thanks X

[user1473878824]

Do you instigate sex otherwise? Is he shy? Has it always been like this, as in before you lived together you’d go on dates and have a few drinks? Can you talk to him about it?

[ThePawtriarchy]

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but this usually only goes in one direction. J would give him perhaps one serious chance to talk it through but if that doesn’t work then I’d just cut your losses. Life is too short.

[belladona24]

Hi,
thanks for your reply,
we used to have sex all time not just when drunk, it used to be so much fun and spontaneous. I dont think he is shy because of this but he has used the excess a few times before but 6 months ago that never was the case.
how do i talk to him about this i dont want to come across as a bitch?

[sociallydistained]

I would be upset by this and wonder what's the point too. My partner and I will have our one hear anniversary in a few weeks too and we both gave up drinking in November and our connection and the sex is even better... I realised my previous relationship was similar. Was basked on getting drunk and I don't want that again. It went very much the way of yours. You need to talk to him seriously about it now.

[belladona24]

Hi, do you think its that serous?
It breaks my heart evening thinking about it.
can you give me any advice how to bring this up with him?
thanks x

[Sn0tnose]

I think you might have a problem. If he’d always been that way, then it could just be the way he is, but if there has been a complete u turn in the last six months then obviously there is an issue somewhere.

If you’re going to talk to him, then make sure you do it when no alcohol has been drunk. Ask him if there’s anything he wants to discuss with you because there’s been a significant change in your relationship and you’d like to talk about the reasons for that. And if he gets angry and doesn’t want to discuss it then be prepared for your next step. Would he agree to some form of counselling?

Ultimately, he’s got every right not to want to have sex but you also have every right to want a sexually compatible relationship.

[indemMUND]

I think that's a red flag. After only a few months living together? It's a spark that shouldn't have gone out so soon. Hard to rekindle it if this is his go to already.

[Patsypie]

You deserve so much better than this. Have a serious talk and if nothing improves, bite the bullet and find someone who appreciates you. It'll only get worse.

[Eckhart]

Because he's not the right partner for you. Sorry.

[user1473878824]

Sorry I didn’t want to make it feel like this was your fault, just to get an idea of the situation. I do think maybe it’s just not the right relationship for either of you. But also OP, bringing it up won’t make you sound like a bitch, you shouldn’t be with someone who you worry you telling them you don’t feel valued makes you a bitch. Sorry if this sounds patronising but can I ask how old you are?
DP and I have had loads of ups and downs but we get through them because we’re best friends (ick) and I can, after a bit of thought, speak to him about it and him to me. Being upset about something your partner does doesn’t make you a bitch, you’re partners.

[DeeCeeCherry]

You aren't compatible; as you've discovered, moving in together = that's when you truly see who someone is. You've been together less than a year, you should still be in your happy phase. This isn't an amazing relationship with chemistry, as you've described it.

Im always trying to be romantic, and he just says oh now we live together wants the point

He's not that bothered and he's telling you so. You need to hear what he's saying. Added to that, less than a year in, and boredom plus drunken sex is all you've to look forward to? Talk to him about it if you want but you're flogging a dead horse. Find someone who loves you and is excited and happy to be with you.

[ThePawtriarchy]

Talking about what you fundamentally need in a relationship does not make you a bitch. However, if he resists talking or just can’t offer you what you need then at best you’re mismatched. It’s early days, don’t stay in a relationship because it’s nearly what you need. That’s throwing good relationship ‘money’ after bad.

[Aquamarine1029]

You are massively wasting your time on him. The relationship has turned to shit already, you really think it will get better? That and the fact you don't even know how to communicate with him spells certain doom. End it and move on.

[CovidicusRex]

Is he stressed out by any chance?

[belladona24]

Thanks for you help guys I had a chat with him last night.
I think we've just not been on the same page for a while. With this whole lockdown thing its hit him harder than it has me I didn't even realise.
We are both used to have a very active life style runnimg round london all day long and we are always away travelling and exploring, so I dont mind taking it easy but he doesn't enjoy it.
So he is very stressed and just not happy at the moment which is very understandable we just need to do put best for each other.
I think we can fix this problem I'm going to give it some time, maybe go back to my parents for a few weeks so we can have some space.
Thank you guys for you input.

[66redballons]

Been there, it was the road to ruin.
You are now on a break. Ensure you both understand and accept the boundaries.
This reminds me of Beautiful South, a little time.

[N2010]

Hi
Im was in a similar situation and i understand what its like, feeling inadequate wondering when he will find a replacement etc etc but i made the decision the the relationship is perfect in every over way and id compromise the sex side.
Its only now 4 years on i realise the real issue

Erectile disfunction
4 years ago he was close to alcoholic smoking over weight we had an amazing sex life... When he was drunk... But gradually it dwindled i thought it was me
We gave up drink and smoking and started exercising together and then it revealed before he could blame his ed on the drink but actually he had a major issue that was causing him distress psychologically and physically
By accepting our relationship as it is it has relieved alot of pressure from him
And now we have amazing sex again but just not as often as i might like but thats the compromise.
Its certainly not you and if you cant compromise then it wont work but maybe just maybe issues are hiding within him

[CallmeMrsScavo]

I'd hazard a guess that you never initiate sex and that you've rejected him when he's tried. That's given him low confidence to he only initiates sex when he's feeling confident and ballsy - aka. when he's drunk. Why don't you try initiating sex?

[FizzyGreenWater]

Just a year together?

Cut your losses. Ok, have the talk, give it a couple of months - but DON'T WASTE TIME WHEN IT'S NOT WORKING.

There doesn't even need to be a concrete reason. He's lost interest in general. Either you just aren't the right one for him, or he's actually an emotionally lazy manchild who thinks 'Now we're living together, I can forget about all that pretending I'm interested in her as a person! Back to the beers and telly' - or he's just a boring person, or, or, or...

Could be anything.

The only VITAL thing is you don't end up dragging your life through a shitty, boring relationship because you think 'But we've been together ages/But we can fix it' - NO.

At a year, you cut your losses quick if it's just not working.

[romeolovedjulliet]

i wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my dp had to get drunk to have sex with me. one of my ex h's was an alkie, there is nothing like the smell of booze being breathed on you to knock the mood right out.