Annoyed at family member

[Saunafan]

Hi,

I’m just after some opinions if possible please. I have a sister who I’m very close to and who is my best friend. She has been trying to get pregnant for years and has suffered losses in the recent past. She has recently found out she is pregnant and I’m so happy and excited for her. I wanted to do her a baby shower but was waiting for the anomaly scan to be sure everything was okay before organising anything due to her history. I didn’t want to tempt fate so to say.

Anyway, another friend asked my other sister if there were any plans as she wanted to arrange a shower for her. The friend could not find me on social media as I have strict settings. The family member told the friend to go ahead as no one had any plans and she would be far better at doing it than any of our family.

I accept I hadn’t told anyone that I was planning this (there were other issues going on at the time which I won’t get into but were hard and stressful) so I was going to mention it in the next few weeks when all that was sorted.

I’m annoyed that she did not bother asking me or other close fam silt whether we had plans before telling that friend to do it. I personally would have said that I didn’t have a plan but I’d ask the others first and get back to her. That to me is the reasonable thing to do rather than to make presumptions and decisions for everyone, especially given the circumstances.

I’m just after some opinions please as to whether you would be annoyed and whether you would’ve thought to check first.

TIA

[user1473878824]

I get why you’re annoying with the friend but also you are being a little precious, sorry. You can always ask if you can be any help organising it - as long as it is just help. She’s your sister and your best friend, you’re going to be so much more for the rest of forever than one party. Just enjoy that without the ballache of having to organise it!

[Saunafan]

It’s not the friend that I’m annoyed with - it’s the other sister for not checking first. If someone had asked me and I hadn’t got plans I’d have made sure I’d have asked the other sisters and mum first before I told the friend to go ahead with it. I wouldn’t have just presumed and told someone else to do it as I wouldn’t know that my mum hadn’t wanted to do it for example. The friend is not a family friend and doesn’t know anyone except the pregnant sister so she wouldn’t have known any different and I wouldn’t have expected her to ask everyone individually.

[Oldraver]

Way to early to be planning yet

[TheHighestSardine]

This shouldn't be about you Saunafan. It doesn't matter who organises the baby shower. It's about your sister and the baby.

[BumbleBeee69]

if nobody knew.. how can you be upset

[Saunafan]

“Way to early to be planning yet”

Hence why I hadn’t started planning/organising yet.

“if nobody knew.. how can you be upset”

As above, it’s still early and so I hadn’t started any organising. I just feel it it very inconsiderate for someone to make decisions on other people’s behalf’s. I would never tell someone that another person had no plans without asking them first.

“This shouldn't be about you Saunafan. It doesn't matter who organises the baby shower. It's about your sister and the baby.”

I absolutely agree. I’m not suggesting it it about me. As long as it’s organised well and is a good event that’s great. I’m just annoyed that someone would be so inconsiderate in general as to be asked if I had any plans and say no on my behalf without asking first.

[user1473878824]

“It’s not the friend that I’m annoyed with - it’s the other sister for not checking first.” Well every single thing I said still stands. It also seems like you’re clear your not being unreasonable despite what anyone else says. But it’s happened. So what else can you do but just go with it?

[user1473878824]

Do you really want to mark your sister and best friend’s pregnancy by having a how about how you didn’t get to show how you’re the one who loves her best? Isn’t it great that someone else does too? As I said, offer to help and keep it at that, enjoy it without the organising as you think it’s great. It’s not the end of the world.

[Witchend]

It wouldn't occur to me to ask someone who hadn't offered, because they would be put under pressure to then organise it.

In the situation you're in I would never ask because some people would find it really upsetting to even be there, let alone organise it.

[Wecandothis99]

I understand OP. Don't fall out with anyone over it but I get why the sister should have checked, she obviously can't be arsed organising it

[Bluntness100]

Christ this is petty.

You’d only planned it in your own head, it was reasonable for folks to assume you were not planning anything.

Really don’t be making this all about you, help organise the shower if it’s required and leave it there, don’t be starting rhe mother of all petty arguments because you’d planned something in your own head.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I wouldnt be annoyed, I'd have assumed no plans if you hadn't mentioned to me

[RoLaren]

Put aside petty squabbling and rejoice in the new life on its way?

[crosser62]

Dramatic and precious I’m afraid.

It’s bloody lovely that there are so many people excited and wanting to celebrate for your sister.

Big...HUGE picture... in 2,3,5,10 years who bleeding well cares who threw the baby shower!!? Who?

Don’t be that pain in the arse that has to be first and foremost in the planning of every party forever.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter does it?

[Epigram]

Is there a back story here? Do you believe that 'other sister' did this deliberately because she thought you would probably be planning something and wanted to upset you? It sounds like a genuine miscommunication but maybe there's a history here we don't know about.

Offer to help friend to organise it.

[Gwenisthename]

You are making this about you
Nobody knew your plans
Someone else suggested it before you did
Don't rock the boat for your sister, ask the friend if she needs any help organising it, smile and get on with it

[roff]

Why not just message the friend and say you were planning on throwing one and would they like to be involved?

[Herpesfreesince03]

You never told anyone you had plans. This person couldn’t get hold of you to ask you. They checked with your sister if she knew of any plans, and she didn’t. YABU and making this all about you. Get hold of the friend and let her know there are actually plans in place

[purpleboy]

I agree with roff
Just message the friend and tell her you already had plans in motion but we're waiting for the right time to start asking people, and you'll be happy if she wants to help you.
I get why it's important to you.

[PurpleDaisies]

This seems very playground squabble to me.

Let it go and plan the baby shower with your other friend. You’re not going to be the only one who is pleased for her.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

The more the merrier, surely?

And if she’s due this year, the chances of a baby shower similar to what she might have had before the pandemic are slim at best so maybe dial down the dream scenario.

Are you sure your sister wants a shower? I’ve organised several for friends who wanted them but didn’t want my own after experiencing several losses and I’m grateful my friends and family respected that. A surprise do would have really upset me.

[sauvignonblancplz]

I understand why you’re annoyed- this was something special you wanted to do.
Speak to the family member and speak to the friend . Say you had intended on planning it but would love to do it together .

[Dozer]

Yes, your sister should have consulted you and any other siblings before responding to your pregnant sister’s friend.

Now that friend is organising, you can simply contact her and offer your help.

Will your pregnant sister even want a ‘baby shower‘ though? Lots of pregnant women really don’t want to do this, for a range of reasons.

[Dozer]

For example, for reasons like a PP I would not have wanted one and one being organised would have upset me.