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Why does being ghosted hurt so much?

(15 Posts)
ShambalaHambala Mon 25-May-20 22:14:05

A handful of dates over a few months, less than normal because of lockdown. Good conversation I thought. Two kisses before lockdown happened. Chatting after the date via text. All seemed OK, then suddenly he's gone. Keeps going online and has changed his WhatsApp photo, but zero response to my message. Sent another message just to say hi and hope he's OK, then nothing. I think he's ghosted me. I'm not too emotionally attached to this guy, I like him and could see things going further, but he just seems to have disappeared out of my life. Why does it hurt so much? This is the third time I've been totally ghosted after a few dates. I'm totally normal, don't talk about exes, not clingy, have lots of interests, very open about the fact that I have a child and always make sure that's OK before the first date.

I'm starting to think it's something I'm doing.

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Dieu Mon 25-May-20 22:19:08

It is NOT you. You must believe that. You see, even if you met a guy and he didn't fancy you or feel a connection, the decent thing to do is to ping you a message explaining that. Anyone who doesn't have the emotional intelligence and integrity to do that, they're not worth your thoughts. It is the most cowardly and despicable dating behaviour.

GenerateUsername Mon 25-May-20 22:20:30

I agree with dieu. It’s ridiculous behaviour. How hard is it to send a brief polite message?

ShambalaHambala Mon 25-May-20 22:21:44

Thank you @dieu ! It really is so cowardly. I actually think he's blocked me now as his profile photo on WhatsApp has disappeared. If he just messaged me saying he wasn't feeling it I would have so much more respect for him, but no. Nothing. And now I'm blocked.

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1Morewineplease Mon 25-May-20 22:24:05

It really isn’t your fault.
Keep trying... you will find the right person.

ShambalaHambala Mon 25-May-20 22:24:50

@1morewineplease I'm allowing myself tonight to be upset about it the going to get over it tomorrow. No more dating until lockdown is over though.

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ShambalaHambala Mon 25-May-20 22:26:26

Honestly it's happened 3 times now. I feel like every time my confidence is chipped away at a tiny bit more.

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1Morewineplease Mon 25-May-20 22:35:21

@ShambalaHambala
Leaving it for a little while longer is probably the best.
The right person for you is probably not available yet for many reasons.
It will happen, just not today.
I felt like you once and when I gave up I suddenly met ‘him.’ I genuinely thought it would never happen and planned a future for my mum and me.
About to celebrate 29 years.
All good wishes OP.

ShambalaHambala Mon 25-May-20 22:37:17

Thank you. I'm not really that desperate to meet someone and am happy on my own. I just liked this guy and I feel really hurt. Dunno why I'm so upset about it. My confidence is cracking I think.

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Dieu Mon 25-May-20 23:56:13

It honestly says so much more about him than it does about you. And I could bet my life on you being one in a long line he's done this to. Someone of such poor calibre doesn't have the capacity to function in a proper relationship.

Dieu Mon 25-May-20 23:58:21

He probably has what it takes to put on a few good dates, and to make you like him. He is too weak in character to sustain the good impression, so cuts you off before it goes any deeper.

VortexofBloggery Tue 26-May-20 00:02:07

It's bloody rude. Ghosters are selfish cowards, it was good of him to reveal so much early on. Of course it hurts, sorry you went through it.

Eckhart Tue 26-May-20 00:11:51

I think it hurts because it's not just about that one relationship. It can affect your trust for future potential partners too. It threatens the structure of how decent people build/end relationships.

It's not you, don't worry. If there was something about you, he could still have ended things politely. He's done something very ill mannered when he had no cause to. You can't blame yourself. I think it's just increasingly common.

You deserve way better than questioning yourself over this prat. Show yourself the respect that he didn't. You rock, right?

Nosurveysneeded Tue 26-May-20 00:32:24

It isn't you.

He is a coward and because of that the simple way he deals with anything is to just ignore/block - ghost... what a wimp.... definitely not good enough for you.

Ghosters - men or women are cowards - they don't have the guts to say not into you/not ready for a relationship/not feeling it so they just disappear and ignore any contact..... yuck - that level of coward-ness and pathetic-ness (not a word I know that) is really not worthy of any effort

ALongHardWinter Tue 26-May-20 01:58:19

OP please don't blame yourself. I've had this done to me twice,and I know that it sucks. The first time it happened,I beat myself up about it,certain that it must have been something that I'd said or done. The second time it happened,I picked myself up and thought 'His problem,not mine'.
I can fully understand that it has made you wary though. But just remember,HE has behaved like an ill-mannered shit,not you.Unfortunately,this sort of behaviour is becoming increasingly common,in men AND women. flowers for you. Hope you feel better soon.

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