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To ask if you feel that shyness/lack of confidence tends to be generally associated with immaturity?

(43 Posts)
StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 05:25:42

I've deliberately phrased the question like this so it's not so much what you personally think but in the abstract - do you think this is the generally held perception?

Could it be for example that people who lack confidence can sometimes be seen as a liability and perhaps less able to handle situations?

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GlummyMcGlummerson Mon 25-May-20 05:29:36

I don't understand - are you asking if shy people are shy because they're immature? Or are you asking if shy people can't handle tough situations?

Either way you're wrong

StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 05:34:01

no - I'm asking if they feel that the general (perhaps unspoken) perception/ belief is that shy/unconfident people are perceived as immature.

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SonEtLumiere Mon 25-May-20 05:34:58

No, I don’t think people make that assumption. I believe they are generally accepted to be separate things: like having blue eyes and being taller than 5’ 7”.

StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 05:35:35

And yes, while shy people may be able to handle all sorts of tough situations - I don't doubt that - this really is to do with how well they handle SOCIAL situations in particular, I suppose.

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Ginfilledcats Mon 25-May-20 05:35:40

I would never associate the two together. Two totally different aspects of a person in my mind and experience. Sure you can get shy people who are immature but actually found more outgoing m, arrogant people to be immature generally speaking. Again not all and not hand in hand. But never would I assume if one was shy they were immature.

PositiveVibez Mon 25-May-20 05:35:57

I haven't voted because you title is different to what you have asked in your OP.

I am shy in situations where I am confronted with people I don't know - training courses, ice-breakers etc., and I do the 'fake it til I make it' thing, so I don't think I am immature.

The question you asked in your OP, well no, I don't agree. If someone is good at their job, albeit in a quiet way, then thats fine.

If you're talking about someone that cries at the drop of a hat, then yes, that would be a problem.

I am a crier. I cry when I'm angry, frustrated, I cry at TV programmes - which I get skitted about, but I don't think it warrants me weak or problematic, or less confident to handle something tricky.

OwlBeThere Mon 25-May-20 05:39:02

Hmmm, I think there is definitely a group that think that, usually those brimming with self confidence.
But as a whole I don’t think it’s what most people think.
and I definitely don’t think it true!

StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 05:40:52

Ginfilledcats - Oh I agree I'm BY NO MEANS saying loud people are necessarily mature in comparison - some loud people I've meet are immature as fook!!!!!

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StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 05:44:09

PositiveVibez - interesting what you say in your post - I think I'm the opposite to you in that I'm more confident with people superficially (i.e. people I don't know) but less confident with forming more intimate relationships and that is NOT A GOOD THING!!!

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EverdeRose Mon 25-May-20 05:45:11

It depends on the level of shyness and how it manifests. A quiet colleague who doesn't join in with general work chit chat but communicates well on work matters, wouldn't be seen as unable to cope with a difficult situation or as immature.

However a colleague who isn't able to communicate on work matters would be seen as a liability and basically a bit shit at their job.

I do have a friend whose very shy and it makes her seem unbelievably immature, I know twice this year she's asked her mum to call her boss regarding deadlines not being met. Strangely her mum seems to enjoy how reliant her daughter is on her and speaks for her at any opportunity, from ordering meals to booking appointments.

EverdeRose Mon 25-May-20 05:48:03

But in a general sense I wouldn't think someone who is shy is less able to do their job or handle a difficult situation.

StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 05:51:33

Thanks all for responding - I'm really enjoying reading people's opinions on this.
EverdeRose - personally I totally agree with what you say in your first 2 paragraphs. What you say about your friend's mum and their relationship dynamic is very worrying.

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SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Mon 25-May-20 05:53:21

Agree with ever - nothing wrong with being shy as long as you can pull yourself together when necessary. Otherwise yes, if you're so shy your life is being impacted there's a risk you'll come across as immature.

TW2013 Mon 25-May-20 05:59:20

I don't agree with the statement, however I do find that the older I get the less I care about what people think of me, which makes me more likely to stand up to them and say what I really think. I was never painfully shy, but I would say that I am somewhat introverted. I like small groups but not large gatherings.

EverdeRose Mon 25-May-20 06:10:49

It hurts my teeth to watch them together.

It's a shame because she really is a lovely person and an amazing friend, she turned up at my house when I was had been injured at work with a weeks worth of homecooked meals to reheat and she cleaned my house and put fresh sheets on my bed. She made me ginger biscuits 3 times a week at beginning of my pregnancy because she'd heard they help with morning sickness.
While working from home during the outbreak she's flourished and is volunteering to do anything and everything for the local community, because there is no expectation of social interaction she's probably spoken to more people during lockdown than many of us.

I just wish she could get out of her mum's shadow and be a tiny bit more social. She's never been able to mumble more than a hello to my DH and has very politely and apologetically declined to be a bridesmaid at my wedding as she couldn't stand to be looked at.

OhTheRoses Mon 25-May-20 06:13:20

I think there's the person who is quiet and reticent whilst being hardworkng and capable. That person can be quietly confident in themselves but simply modest and is often noticed for meeting deadlines, doing a good job and never making waves. They often step up professionally and maintain strong personal relationships.

I think you are, however, referring to the shy people who are socially awkward and use their "shyness" to avoid accepted norms, who often put their foot in it by saying the wrong thing and avoid work they find difficult rather than rise to the challenge.

StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 06:14:28

if you're so shy your life is being impacted

I love reading people's general perceptions on this subject

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joystir59 Mon 25-May-20 06:18:22

What exactly is shyness? I spent many years forcing myself to endure social situations and passions that I have come to realise I hate. I hate socialising with people that I don't feel naturally draw to and at ease with. I don't do it any more because I've realised it isn't something you have to endure. Many people drink to cover their discomfort in such situations. I just don't endure those situations.

joystir59 Mon 25-May-20 06:18:56

Occasions not passions

StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 06:19:43

EverdeRose from your second paragraph your friends sounds a kind, dynamic person. You're lucky.

OhTheRoses - yes I think the differences you've outlined in your post are spot on.

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StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 06:23:01

joystir59 - for me shyness implies an OVER sensitivity in social situations. From what you describe in your post - you're no different from a confident person as the most confident people would hate having to socialise with people they're not naturally drawn to and would avoid situations with them

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joystir59 Mon 25-May-20 06:23:20

I'm not la king in confidence and very capable of taking responsibity. I can chair meetings, have been a senior manager, teach courses, run presentations, and thoroughly enjoy socialising with close friends. I just don't like socialising with groups of people with whom I have no affinity, and in that situation I would appear 'shy'. In fact I would feel bored and tired and just plain uncomfortable. Those are situations I no longer subject myself to

StirlingWork Mon 25-May-20 06:27:34

I just don't like socialising with groups of people with whom I have no affinity

I'm exactly the same as you in this and I feel this is sensible/assertive and not 'shy'!!

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joystir59 Mon 25-May-20 06:28:10

I definitely feel odd and as if I am about to put my foot in it, frequently do put my foot in it in social situations with people I don't feel an affinity with. I'm not a mainstream kind of person, often have views at odds with the 'norm' and have not lived a conventional life, and think outside the box. This is true for many many people, but socialising with people who are heteronormative and their views is what I handle badly and dislike and don't do any more, excepting family funerals and the like.

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