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I'm 8 weeks pregnant and basically in the crap. Can someone help :(

(69 Posts)
RedRose405 Sun 24-May-20 23:21:02

Well i'm guessing i'm 8-9 weeks since that's when I last saw him. I had a bit of blood last month so just presumed that was my period.
I've been with boyfriend 8 months.

Problem is.
I'm 24 and live with my parents as does my boyfriend.
My boyfriend is on really good money and works away a lot. Hence why he still lives with parents as we want to buy a house when he's home a bit more. However, currently the coronavirus means he isnt work but once he is again, he will be back to really good money.

Whereas I am a supply teacher and I am currently furloughed by my agency. I have been applying for jobs but now I feel at loss.
I wouldnt be able to bring myself to abortion or adoption but how am I supposed to cope when I'm entitled to no maternity leave? I don't know if i'm financially stable enough for this sad boyfriend is better off with money but i cant just rely on his income and go up to him and say "hey looks like you're paying me to be a housewife"

Boyfriend doesn't know yet, I found out about an hour ago. Been in my room crying.
This is probably rambled but I need advice for people with more life experience or people who have been through similar.

If you need more info let me know.

OP’s posts: |
Thesearmsofmine Sun 24-May-20 23:27:12

Have you looked into maternity allowance?

I had an unplanned pregnancy 10 years ago and I lived at home with my parents as did my now DH. These things have a way of working out.

RedRose405 Sun 24-May-20 23:28:09

I will be looking into everything. This is so unplanned and i'm in utter shock atm. Dread to think how my parents will react to this.

OP’s posts: |
DontStandSoCloseToMe Sun 24-May-20 23:29:22

Finances aside for a minute, do you want a child? Are you ready for a child with this man? Would you be ok to do it alone if the relationship doesn't pan out in the long run?

Babymamamama Sun 24-May-20 23:31:21

You need to talk to your boyfriend. Hopefully he will be supportive. It's not all your issue - he is equally responsible. My DD was unplanned but doesn't make her any less loved by us both.

RedRose405 Sun 24-May-20 23:32:39

I did want a child one day - but i wanted a permanent job first;
Our relationship is great and he treats me wonderfully and if i was to be a single mum then thousands of women have done it and do amazingly,
If it wasn't for the coronavirus, my mind would be in a better place about it

OP’s posts: |
RedRose405 Sun 24-May-20 23:34:18

I just have a feeling he'll mention 'abortion' which is why i'm scared to bring it up.
He is a career driven person and I know he doesnt want kids until he's 30. He wants to get back to working away and being on a work-home rotation asap.
I dont want to mess up his life sad

OP’s posts: |
RedRose405 Sun 24-May-20 23:35:33

I keep thinking 'i'll have to abort the baby' because this is going to cause friction and everyone is going to have a go at me for being so stupid. My parents will probably be angry because my job is currently furloughed with no idea when i'll return.
I feel sick

OP’s posts: |
StepAwayFromGoogle Sun 24-May-20 23:36:06

Didn't want to read and run, OP. Just take a deep breath. Then take another. This is a massive shock. I appreciate 8 months is not a lot of time to be together but it sounds like you were planning your future so I'm assuming you're happy together. It sounds like your boyfriend is able to provide for you and I assume your parents will be supportive? Things are not as bleak as they seem, you are just feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Give your boyfriend a call and talk it through with him when you can. But please don't panic, you'll be just fine flowers

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend Sun 24-May-20 23:36:10

1) do you want to be a parent right now? If not abortion is a perfectly valid choice. You are allowed to make the decision that is best for you.

2) if you want to keep the baby- your boyfriend and you need to talk about how it will work. You don’t have to be a SAHM and I wouldn’t encourage that whilst you are unmarried- it’s a vulnerable situation. You should remain working and use childcare that is paid for by both of you. Even if the relationship doesn’t last- that’s still his obligation to pay.

StepAwayFromGoogle Sun 24-May-20 23:38:34

Accidents happen, OP, nobody can have a go at you for that.

RedRose405 Sun 24-May-20 23:38:45

Thank you for the lovely advice <3 i think i need to sleep on it all tonight and ring him tomorrow.
Yes boyfriend would easily be able to provide but I don't like the feeling of relying on his wages whilst i'm not making money sad

I don't think i could go through with an abortion sad

OP’s posts: |
lyralalala Sun 24-May-20 23:38:59

For now forget everyone else. Focus on you and what you want.

Do not keep, or abort, a baby because of the opinions or wishes of other people. You are the one who has to live with the decision so it needs to be yours.

There are people; here, CAB, support groups, who can help you work out what financial help you'd get, but the most important thing is making the decision that you want to make.

Notthetoothfairy Sun 24-May-20 23:42:49

Try not to panic, your BF is committed enough for you to buy a house together and you will get through this. It will all be ok and congratulations flowers

bettycat81 Sun 24-May-20 23:42:55

I did want a child one day - but i wanted a permanent job first

A wise woman (my boss) once said there is never a right time to have a baby! I kept holding off (despite being married, good job, house owner) until I heard her words.

It's a shock. But things will work out.... take it from this now single mother, working part time, renting.... who has her 10 year old currently hogging 3/4 of her bed. flowers

RedRose405 Sun 24-May-20 23:42:57

At the moment an abortion is a 'no' for me but i know other people i know will say otherwise.
The coronavirus has scared me more. Usually right now, i'd be making so much more money and I could save up, look at houses, boyfriend would be there for appointments,
But it'll all be on my own wont it?

OP’s posts: |
RedRose405 Sun 24-May-20 23:45:56

I'm not just thinking about my life either. His work is rotation and he's not always in this country. It vaires how long he is away but usually no longer than a month. However, his next rotation he was looking at was 2 months away and 3 weeks home.
He had plans of me flying out to be with him for a few weeks and then he flys home,
And i know he's going to be 'not happy' about it

OP’s posts: |
MitziK Sun 24-May-20 23:47:05

If you wish to continue with the pregnancy, then you need to make some preparations. Firstly, get to the chemist and start taking folic acid. Eat little and often, stock up on sugary fizz in case you can't stomach food.

Apply for permanent teaching posts and longer term contracts now. Even part time ones help. People will still be retiring, deciding to leave teaching, moving on to new schools. It sounds mercenary, especially if come September, it's still expected for pregnant women to shield and you don't start, but ethics can't pay bills.

Assume your boyfriend isn't going to come back and buy/rent somewhere for you to live together. That doesn't mean he will let you down, but you can't assume he is up for this. Which is why everything has to be decided by you, not what anybody else says or thinks.

There are maternity benefits payable if you can't get work. They aren't great, but anything is better than nothing. In the meantime, whilst you are furloughed, at least you are getting some income. Save whatever you can.

Whatever you choose to do will be the right decision. Because you have made it. And it will be alright.

Standandwait Sun 24-May-20 23:50:16

You aren't stupid for getting pregnant. Don't let anyone say that to you, including yourself.

You have time to think here. The next step, when you know what you want, should be to talk to bf. Parents after, and if you're afraid of your parents' reaction and lockdown ends in June as is looking likely, have him be with you.

Pinkchocolate Sun 24-May-20 23:51:43

Stop driving yourself mad with all the possible negative ways your partner could react, he could be pleasantly surprised. It doesn’t sound like you want an abortion so for now, focus on what you want. I had my first in my early twenties and my second in my thirties and I was no more “ready” the second time. Figure out how you really feel and then from there you can decide what to do.

BoujiSnail Sun 24-May-20 23:51:58

What do you imagine your next five years will look like, with or without a child? Do you have any burning desires to travel, grow your career or buy a house? If so those things will be 200% harder with a child. Not impossible, just harder.
If you apply for a mortgage with a dependent, they don't offer you the same amount if you have a dependent than if you don't. If you're trying to build your career then it's more difficult to stay late, work harder and be completely dedicated if you're tired and you have a child to pick up from nursery at 6 o clock.
Saying that, my dc's are wonderful and they have become my reason to strive for better and to work harder. Things do have this way of working out. I was a mum in my twenties and it's not easy, there's a lot of judgement!

Think about what you truly want, then work out the logistics. Good luck!

KEG05 Sun 24-May-20 23:54:48

Try not to worry OP. Your mind is in total overdrive but these things happen. If you feel like abortion isn’t for you then don’t do it. Your family will come round to the idea and your a teacher and children will always need taught so you will have a job, even if it isn’t as secure atm as you would like. I had my first perfect surprise when I was 19 and at home living with my parents. My second beautiful surprise is 8 months old. Her dad and I were only together 5 months at the time. A shock for sure but I promise things will calm down. Nice deep breaths. It will be ok xx

SachaStark Sun 24-May-20 23:55:34

Bless you, OP, it sounds like you are having a very tough evening.

Do remember during the night, when you will probably be lying awake trying to figure it all out, that things ALWAYS seem worse at nighttime. It will definitely look better in the morning.

If it helps at all, I was almost in your exact position 6 years ago when I was 24: I was in teacher training, and hadn’t secured a teaching post yet, and found out I was accidentally pregnant by my (admittedly long term) boyfriend. He’s now my DH. Ultimately, I decided that I didn’t want to be a parent yet, was very uncomfortable at the idea of being pregnant, and I had a termination about two weeks later. I had the kind of termination where you take two tablets, and have the pregnancy aborted in the comfort of your own home.

It’s not my place to influence you AT ALL, OP, but I just wanted to reassure you, as I haven’t yet read why you feel you couldn’t bring yourself to abort. If you do feel that you don’t want to have a baby yet, it is absolutely 100% fine to have a termination instead. For any reason at all, in fact. And I personally didn’t find the process scary, or very painful, or anything nasty at all. Again, I just wanted to offer you some reassurance, in case you do decide this way.

If you want to carry on the pregnancy, I would definitely look into Maternity Allowance, which you would be entitled to so long as you can get a certain number of days of work in before a certain point of your pregnancy (I don’t know the particulars, I’m afraid!). This could be a little tricky with the summer holidays coming up, though. Could you contact your supply agency to see if they can offer you any advice?

Freddiefox Sun 24-May-20 23:59:21

Op for now think about what you want, not other people. Do you want the baby or would you rather not.
There’s never a right time to have a baby in regards to money. But the main issue is whether you want have a baby soon.
The rest will fall into place.

GoatsBroccoli Mon 25-May-20 00:01:08

Hi op, hope you're OK. I was in a very similar position, pregnant at 23 just out of uni, exh (fiancé at the time) was moving round different countries for work.
I felt just as you, it was overwhelming and terrifying.
I went ahead with the pregnancy, claimed maternity allowance and got a place together with (nowex)h and he did have to take on the bills and 'provide' as i was raising our child, it's his responsibility to do so.

Life turned out just fine, ideally I'd have had my career established etc before having kids but iv made it work; I had Dd, then went back to uni and did my pgce, had ds, got onto the property ladder and my eldest isn't quite 5 years old yet.

Please don't let other people sway your decision, take some time and think about what you want to do as pps have said.

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