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To get waves of grief over not being able to have children?

(55 Posts)
acceptancemuchneeded Sun 24-May-20 23:05:00

I'm having a shit day with this today. Not to be dramatic.

My life is great in many ways, I am happy in many ways.

But every few weeks I just have some deep sadness about it.

OP’s posts: |
Parkandride Sun 24-May-20 23:07:31

I'm so sorry
What is your situation? Just so you don't get some "just adopt!!" bollocks
It's ok to have shitty days flowers

shamelesschocaholic Sun 24-May-20 23:09:33

Arww hunny, I know exactly how you feel. Can I ask is it infertility or lack of willing partner? Either can be sorted so don’t despair. I had a lot of fertility treatment so know how you feel although eventually my dreams came true. I also have friends that have used egg donors, sperm donors (she used a website for that and had two with same donor) and adoption. Don’t give up on your dreams!!

I couldn’t afford ivf so the first time did egg share and my Recipient got pregnant and I didn’t. Next time I have them all away (no pregnancy) so I could have a cycle to myself and I had my precious baby. Big hugs xx

DFAMA Sun 24-May-20 23:12:42

Well that didn't take long hmm

Yanbu op. Be gentle with yourself flowers

TheTrollFairy Sun 24-May-20 23:13:25

@shamelesschocaholic what is an egg share? Is it where you donate your eggs? Curious to know what any future implications that could bring? Eg, is it a similar thing where children from sperm donations are allowed to get information on their sperm doner? I hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive. A close family member is currently struggling to conceive so I’m wondering what future roots could be taken for them

farfallarocks Sun 24-May-20 23:14:33

Yanbu it’s shit and I’m sorry

TheTrollFairy Sun 24-May-20 23:14:38

@acceptancemuchneeded flowers for you

Allmyeye Sun 24-May-20 23:16:53

Definitely not. I have one child and desperately wanted but failed to have another. I felt like you do for years. Thinking about it frequently made me cry. It’s easier now but I’m still very sad about it. Many people will say at least you have one. Yes and I’m so grateful for that but it doesn’t stop the longing for another.

acceptancemuchneeded Sun 24-May-20 23:16:55

I can't carry a baby without very high risk of permanent life-changing disability. Plus a risk ranging from mild to severe for the baby to be disabled.

OP’s posts: |
acceptancemuchneeded Sun 24-May-20 23:19:28

Thank you for the support. Sometimes it helps to just say aloud (well to write down, but to share with people) that it's painful and a bit shitty.

OP’s posts: |
StepAwayFromGoogle Sun 24-May-20 23:21:36

Aw, OP, that's properly shit. I'm so sorry.

Allmyeye Sun 24-May-20 23:24:37

I am so sorry to hear that. I really feel for you. Could adoption or using a surrogate be an option? Life can be so cruel sometimes.

1300cakes Sun 24-May-20 23:24:58

Sorry to hear about this op, it is shit. Of course yanbu to be a bit sad about it at times.

MinecraftMother Sun 24-May-20 23:25:49

My friend can't carry her and her husband's babies - so
I did. Both of them.

All is not lost, my love. X

bumblenbean Sun 24-May-20 23:26:47

Of course YANBU. Sorry you’re feeling crappy sad

BeatrixPottersAlterEgo Sun 24-May-20 23:28:00

YANBU, it's utterly utterly shit, I'm sorry.

Parkandride Sun 24-May-20 23:32:51

That is shitty, you're obviously a caring and selfless person to consider how a child would be affected

I sometimes think this sort of thing would be easier a few decades ago, not the hope/promise of medical treatments and ivf and donors and surrogacy etc etc all the usual suggestions. Its very hard to get off that train once you've started and look at the alternative of a life without children.

Is the current situation making things worse? As a fertility challenged person I'm eye rolling at the parents moaning about spending time with their kids (I get it really, everyone needs a break)

user1473878824 Sun 24-May-20 23:35:26

I’m so sorry OP. Be kind to yourself xx

SquashedSpring Sun 24-May-20 23:36:24

I'm so sorry OP and no matter how good the rest of your life is, it's fine to say that you feel sad and that it's shitty and it hurts - you're not being dramatic by expressing that flowers .

Busymummy16 Sun 24-May-20 23:38:45

I’m so sorry. It must be a very hard situation to be in and the waves of grief is something I remember from infertility treatment. Sending love and hope you can find a way through the grief xx

Shamoo Sun 24-May-20 23:44:20

Sending you all of the love in the world. Nobody can understand the pain if they haven’t experienced it themselves. It’s absolutely natural to feel the pain you do, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. X

acceptancemuchneeded Sun 24-May-20 23:46:06

Is the current situation making things worse? As a fertility challenged person I'm eye rolling at the parents moaning about spending time with their kids (I get it really, everyone needs a break)

Yes, it's not helping that's for sure.

I keep reading how the most important things are our health and our families in times like these. I don't have good health to begin with and realistically I have to accept that I will never have a child because of my dodgy health. Always saw myself with children one day, and it just ain't happening.

Must stress I am grateful for all I do have, my lovely DP, and an interesting life that I find meaningful.

I just don't know why it hits harder some random days.

OP’s posts: |
FancyPants20 Sun 24-May-20 23:48:26

That's properly shit. I'm sorry, OP. Life has dealt you a crap hand there. You're entitled to mourn and grieve the loss of what you wished for. Big hugs to you. Xx

RandomMess Sun 24-May-20 23:48:38

That's shit thanks

As to why some days are so much harder? Simply I think because we are human with emotions and hormones and so on.

Be kind to yourself.

GrumpyHoonMain Mon 25-May-20 00:05:40

I had my DB after 10 years of infertility and used to get the grief in waves but there was one thing in common - I was usually alone when the grief hit and not otherwise occupied. This is going to sound really stupid but, for me, getting a hobby I could do anywhere and that required my full concentration / mindfulness helped (knitting and reading specific types of books for me). Appreciate things are limited right now but is there anything you enjoy that you could do more of?

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