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AIBU by not taking DD abroad to see her dad right now?

(17 Posts)
Rhubarb4Custard Sun 24-May-20 22:53:34

AIBU by not taking DD abroad to see her dad right now?

Her dad lives a 2-hour flight away in a European country (we also used to live there). The court order says his contact with her should be alternate weekends in that country.

I’ve been insisting he come visit her here in the UK instead the last two months because I’m in my third trimester. Really I’d rather we suspended his contact for a while because he hasn’t been social distancing at all (house parties with his friends) but I want her to see her dad.

He’s reluctantly come here twice but is now saying he’s taking me to court in the UK over it. I really don’t want the stress of another court hearing right now. He’s already taking me to court because he wants to pay less child support than the foreign court ordered and the hearing is next month (a couple of days before my due date). We’ve spent the last two years in court abroad (3 civil cases and 1 criminal - all of which he lost in the end) and I’m so drained by it.

He’s repeatedly said I have to bring her abroad (even though my midwife and doctor say I shouldn’t be flying right now) or that I have to get a family member to bring her (my parents are in their 70s and one has cancer). Apparently I “brought this all on myself” and my “health concerns are my own to fix”.

He earns £100,000/year and owes me thousands in unpaid child support and child benefit (which he fraudulently claimed) and yet he’s furious about spending money to come visit DD in the UK.

He’s finally offered to do both journeys to take her abroad and bring her back to the UK. But I don’t really want her doing all that travelling, mixing with his friends and potentially catching Coronavirus and then me also potentially catching it this close to my due date. WWYD? Let her go?

OP’s posts: |
milienhaus Sun 24-May-20 22:56:54

When is this, because soon she wouldn’t be able to re-enter the country without 2 weeks quarantine which sounds unnecessarily difficult for you?

Craftylittlething Sun 24-May-20 23:18:05

I don’t think he’d get much sympathy in court, it’s insane to expect you to travel when the foreign office have advised against all but essential travel. That and the upcoming two week quarantine. I think he needs to get a grip of reality.

Hushabusha Sun 24-May-20 23:20:02

Of course YANBU. There's a pandemic. People are not supposed to leave their houses. Why are you even entertaining the idea that this is at all reasonable? How will your ex
A) get out of his country
B) get into the Uk
C) quarantine???
D) be allowed to leave again
And repeat this process with a child in tow?

Tell him to piss off

BumpBundle Sun 24-May-20 23:20:49

He has every right to take you to court but, in the circumstances, I can't imagine the court would do anything. You are violating the court order but, in my opinion, you have reasonable grounds to do so.

Hushabusha Sun 24-May-20 23:21:26

And you can't fly anyway, can you? The airlines won't allow flight after 32(?) weeks

Are planes even flying right now?

vodkaredbullgirl Sun 24-May-20 23:24:32

What another new poster and abroad

BubblesBuddy Sun 24-May-20 23:32:41

The Family Court has issued a statement on this. You should read it. Essentially it talks about agreement between parents, the need to agree to vary the visits in order to meet the obligations of staying at home. Electronic means should be used for keeping in touch and the parents should do what is reasonable. I would concur that going abroad is not reasonable at the moment. The needs of dc are paramount, not the needs of your ex.

On another note. Won’t going abroad every other weekend be extremely disruptive when your DC gets friends, wants to go out and possibly has other things they wish to do on a Saturday? This discussion might be worth having.

Rhubarb4Custard Sun 24-May-20 23:33:01

Yes I’ve told him about the new quarantine rules for people flying into the UK from 8 June, which will make it impossible for her to go there every other weekend because she’d have to be constantly quarantined - so he’s putting a lot of pressure on me for her to go stay there with him for a week before it comes into place

Planes are flying between the two countries and lockdown has mostly ended in his country. There was a travel ban for a while which meant DD wasn’t allowed to enter the country but they changed it to allow for child visitation specifically.

OP’s posts: |
Rhubarb4Custard Sun 24-May-20 23:36:14

@BubblesBuddy thanks yes I have read the statement from the family court you are talking about and have sent it to her dad.

You’re right that the schedule is going to be really disruptive. I’m probably going to have to try to amend it sooner or later

OP’s posts: |
Purpleartichoke Sun 24-May-20 23:37:04

You have two separate issues.

Your pregnancy is not his problem. If court says you are to fly her there, then you have to fly her there or find a replacement to get her there.

The pandemic is something I would seek advice on from your doctor or your solicitor.

TippledPink Sun 24-May-20 23:39:19

He can't expect to to fly her over there in the current circumstances, and plus you are heavily pregnant! I feel for your DD having to fly every other weekend, I would hate to have to do that. How could this be deemed in her best interests?

BubblesBuddy Sun 24-May-20 23:58:58

No. She doesn’t have to go at all in the current circumstances. In particular the Covid regulations alter the situation. This is better sorted out by negotiation but the op doesn’t have to comply if it’s reasonable not to at the moment. The use of other form of contact is endorsed by the Family Court.

Chocolatefixeseverything Mon 25-May-20 00:06:47

Is that a UK court order? Flying a child row sounds excessive and expecting them to be accompanied even more so for the adult spending 8 hours a fortnight in the air. Not to mention who funds these flights?? My point would be give father all the video call access he wants for now and actively seek a reasonable access agreement through uk courts asap.

funinthesun19 Mon 25-May-20 01:28:32

Even without all this going on, the court order is very harsh making her travel to another country every other weekend! The other end of the country I imagine is hard enough, but all those flights must get so tedious.
This isn’t judgement at you OP. I know you have to do what the courts say.

Rhubarb4Custard Mon 25-May-20 22:07:10

It’s not a UK court order.

It doesn’t say that I have to take her there just that his visitation should take place there and that we must share the cost.

As many of you have said, I think it will be too much travelling for her in the long run especially when she has school as well, so I’m going to have to apply to the courts to modify it

OP’s posts: |
amusedbush Mon 25-May-20 22:38:03

Flying to another country every other weekend sounds bonkers, that must be exhausting, not to mention the expense! Surely that’s not sustainable? shock

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