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to be miffed with a friend for excluding my dd?

(13 Posts)
alycat Thu 20-Sep-07 14:19:45

Some background...good friend of 8+yrs, our DD's (age 7) go to same school. My dd was alway confident, hers shy and clingy at school.

During Nursery and Kindergarten it was made my dds 'job' to support her DD (who we will call child b), which I thought was fine as they were best friends. Get to reception and her dd dumps my dd for child c. My dd is left friendless and alone as all other friendships/groups have been formed. Is included sometimes and then ruthlessly excluded, leaving her uncertain and sad - triangle friendships never work.

DD is then bullied horribly (school were useless, but I'd just given birth to a severely ill SN DS so didn't really have my eye on the ball so let it pass)for 2 years. She started sleepwalking, crying at bedtime, not wanting to go to school and her congidence has been horribly affected.

DD still wants to be best friends with child b, but child b wants to be pals with c. She once said to me, having been upset over some exclusion that went on, "perhaps I'm not the sort of person that ever has any friends mummy" sad

So I found out that ENB were coming to a local theatre to do a children's performance. I call up my friend and ask if her DD wants to come too, "no we are going with child c" So I asked if I go to the same performance can they have tea together at a local well known noodle bar "yes". I thought this would be better than nothing for my dd to spend time with child b.

So DD is happy that we are going, then having tea with child b and c after. Then today friend calls to say tea is off.

I am upset on many levels, I feel that she is not being very considerate as my dd hardly ever gets to go to this kind of thing my dh works abroad and ds has sn so I can't take him and have no-one I can leave him with. My friend is well aware that my dd has missed out before due to her taking child c and my dd being the only one in class not to go.

Should I mention to my friend that this will upset my dd or just tell her its fine.

I wish my DD had a 'thicker skin' and was more able to deal better with being left out, it hurts me to see her so upset. I will try to resell this to her as a special girly treat out for just the two of us.

Sniglett Thu 20-Sep-07 14:21:20

tell her

cornsilk Thu 20-Sep-07 14:22:51

Your friend is being inconsiderate - but personally I wouldn't say anything. Could you help dd find new friends? Has she tried rainbows etc?

alycat Thu 20-Sep-07 14:35:07

She goes to Brownies, but all her Brownie pack (bar 1 other) go to the same school. Although she enjoys it, not real chance of making a close friend.

Also she can't seem to accept that child b doesn't really want to know and she should move on.

It was her idea to invite child b, as it was to take her to The Gruffalo and other things we've taken her to. Whereas child b always invites child c, not my DD.

Sonnet Thu 20-Sep-07 14:38:32

Idon't know what I would do TBH. The mother of child b is very insensitive.
Is child b's mum a freind of yours - do you see her without the DD's?

KaySamuels Thu 20-Sep-07 14:40:53

I would focus your energies on giving your dd oppportunites to make other friends, ie different kids from her class, kids in neighbourhood, friends/relatives kids, etc. Invite round anyone you can think of for an hour or two now and again (don't have to commit to tea - you have enough on) to give her some company and regain her confidence. I agree this 'triangle' will always end in tears so I would limit her exposure to it to just school tbh.

You and your dd have shown you have been thoughtful and caring when friend b was shy and friendless and it's sad your friend can't recognise the situation in reverse and help you along with it, but I wouldn't continue to waste my energies on it tbh.

mummypig Thu 20-Sep-07 14:47:48

It sounds like you and your dd have both been through a lot recently sad but I don't think it's your friend's responsibility to invite your dd to things if her daughter doesn't really want to be with her. yes, your dd was a star in helping her daughter through nursery, but children move on from friends (probably faster than many adults do). My son doesn't really play with his best friend from nursery any more, and he's only in Yr 1 now. They just both seem to have different groups of friends at the moment.

I wonder if your friend agreed to the meet up because she felt awkward about her daughter not playing with your dd any more, and perhaps pressurised by you suggesting it, but then decided that it would just be easier not to do it. Might be better for you to sell it as a mummy-daughter bonding session, especially if you often have little one-to-one time with her due to your ds's special needs.

While I appreciate your dd is upset about these girls playing together and not with her, and you don't like seeing her like this, I would be more worried about the bullying at school and the fact that the school have not really addressed it now. If your dd's character has been affected in the way you describe, the school should have noticed it happening and done something about it. Do you feel you have any energy to talk to them about it? Do you have much support around you? it sounds like you are very stressed and stretched at the moment.

alycat Thu 20-Sep-07 14:54:48

It is quite difficult to have new people/friends round as DS is very demanding, so DD can only have pals to play when I have another carer there for DS.

I have a new live in Au Pair coming in a few weeks so DD and I will be able to spend much more time together, which will be fab.

I do realise that it is not my good friends responsibility (who is in our wills as guardian of both children, to give an indication of how close we all are/were) to take DD out. She can't force her DD to be friends.

alycat Thu 20-Sep-07 15:50:45

Have now swapped our seats for much better ones on Sat at 6pm, we can get dressed up,go to eat first and it will be dark and seem like staying up late, so it will be a real girls night out! Also she won't see child b & c having fun without her.

This has made me feel more positive. Thank you for any advice given.

Lizzylou Thu 20-Sep-07 15:56:18

That sounds lovely, I'm sure you will both have a great time smile

gess Thu 20-Sep-07 15:58:25

Will the au pair be able to look after ds? If so I'd take your dd plus a different friend out and about if possible. I think you need to encourage different friendships if possible.

It's hard- ds2 can't really have school friends around very easily because of ds1, but his 2 friend's parents have been really understanding about that. Your friend sounds as if she doesn't really get it & I'd really try and hook up with others if at all possible. I wouldn't say anything though, if she doesn't get it she won't, even after an explanation.

gess Thu 20-Sep-07 15:58:59

I think your solution to the theatre trip is a great one btw!

lucyellensmum Thu 20-Sep-07 15:59:45

alycat, well done you for sorting out this problem in such a cool way, your dd is going to feel all grown up and special, was so to read your OP. If its any consolation, children are fickle, i could never keep up with who DD1 was friends with at school, she often went from being little miss billy no mates to being uber popular in record time. OF course it doesnt make you feel any better when your little one is excluded.

Is this woman a close friend? I hate to say this, but its on my mind so i will, do you think she has a problem because your ds has SN? Maybe it would help if you spoke to her, she may not know what to say and feels awkward as she doesnt want to upset you or something, alternatively she could be an insensitive inconsiderate bitch who isnt worth the bother. If her dd is the same as her mother in that way then your dd will soon realise she is not worth the hassle and move on.

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