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AIBU?

Living with Mother in Law

15 replies

TaleAsOldAsTime190 · 24/05/2020 18:43

Hi everyone
Me and my dp are living with her Mother. Lovely lady but I’m finding it difficult at the minute. Previously lived in a rented house, rent went up and dp suggested we go stay at MIL while we saved for a mortgage. MIL welcomed us with open arms, couldn’t do enough for us. However, slowly she became slightly controlling, for example; didn’t like us cooking in her Kitchen. Anyway, I let dp know my feelings, suggested we go back to renting for a bit, she said no. I’m finding it increasingly stressful being there now, Im a big guy, I need my space and feel I’m in the way. What can I do???!

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

32 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable

6%

You are NOT being unreasonable

94%

Proudboomer · 24/05/2020 19:08

Move out on your own. If she stays with her mum then you know you don’t have a future as a couple and you can move on.

BumpBundle · 24/05/2020 19:13

I agree with @Proudboomer. If you're not comfortable then you should move out on your own. DP can't be living off mummy forever and you should know whether you're actually able to compromise and work together before buying a property together. It's completely reasonable to want some autonomy and freedom as a grown adult and if your partner can't understand that then I'd worry that she's not mature enough for you.

1Morewineplease · 24/05/2020 19:17

I’d think about going back to renting.
The tensions that you have now will only escalate.
I fully appreciate how shitty it is for young couples to get on the property ladder but the situation that you’re currently in sounds like it might become untenable.
If your partner won’t move out with you then you know where you stand.
Sorry to hear of your predicament. Good luck.

lyralalala · 24/05/2020 19:17

Move out. Living with a parent only works if everyone is happy and can be brutally honest.

What your DP chooses to do when you leave is up to her, but if she chooses to stay then it tells you a lot.

Daftodil · 24/05/2020 19:18

I think you should talk to your DP again. It's always difficult when you are a guest in someone's home. You can never fully relax, however welcoming they are. You have to have your "company" manners on all the time. Your DP clearly doesn't understand this as she doesn't need to be on her best behaviour with her partner or her mum, but how would she feel if she were living with your family/best friend, unable to watch tv in her pants, unable to spend all day in PJs eating chocolate, unable to have control of the tv choices, dinner choices, etc, having to ask before doing any washing, scheduling her shower time around somebody else's etc.

Ohtherewearethen · 24/05/2020 19:32

I'd struggle to live back at home with my own lovely parents and I couldn't do it for a week with my in-laws. Of course your partner is ok with it - she's back at home! As much as you like your in-laws their home has never been, and will never be, your home. You will always feel like a guest there and, as a PP said, you can't watch TV in your pants or fart when you want to. It'll do your relationship no good at all if your partner doesn't appreciate how difficult this is for you. I think you definitely need to speak to her again and tell her how uncomfortable you are there. Best of luck

DeRigueurMortis · 24/05/2020 19:43

I love my parents and we get on well.

They also have a great relationship with DH.

A few years ago we moved in for a month as we were buying a new house and had a gap between completing on the old one vs moving into the new.

Within 2 weeks we'd booked a 2 week holiday to cover the remaining time.

It wasn't anyone's fault - more that our lifestyles were just totally incompatible and it drove us all nuts.

Just simple things like when they eat (early and like you OP my DM was very protective of her kitchen) and go to bed (very early so we couldn't unwind after work and watch a movie as their bedroom was above the lounge ). My DM god bless her took to following me around chattering constantly (even outside the bathroom door).

As such I'd move out. It's not going to get better and as tensions rise you're at risk of damaging the relationship if you say something in the heat of the moment (I remember biting my lip constantly so as not to say something I'd later regret).

TaleAsOldAsTime190 · 24/05/2020 22:05

You guys hit the nail on the head. Yeah I definitely feel like a guest, she doesn’t understand. I’m biting my tongue a lot , have no freedom really. Will chat to dp again as I can’t continue.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 24/05/2020 22:39

Yeh just tell her you feel really uneasy. Make it clear you like your MIL as a person though, it’s just the not being able to be yourself and all being in each other’s pockets that is the issue.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 24/05/2020 22:48

You are living there but you feel like a guest and are being treated as an inconvenient guest.

Your DP needs to understand you can't continue to live like that when there are other options, so you need to find another living option.

OldCow1 · 24/05/2020 22:55

How long would it be before you can get a deposit together? I think it's great they want to help but horrendous living as a guest. I always found there was a honeymoon period when living with other people (fab for about a week). Then I got really irritated by them and wanted to leave the situation. It always calmed down after a few weeks and we all would get along fine. How long have you lived there?

Lollypop4 · 24/05/2020 23:07

we moved next door to my parents house(they have an empry cottage) to save for a deposit too..
We lasted 5 months because they drove me nuts...
They are great parents but within a few weeks, constantly over steeped the mark, we had no space as such.

Id look at renting again

TaleAsOldAsTime190 · 24/05/2020 23:32

Been there a Just over four months , nearly got enough saved. Just tried to have a chat with dp again, she keeps saying I should be thankful and to chill out, won’t be much longer. Damn am I approaching her wrong?

OP posts:

lyralalala · 25/05/2020 00:08

Do you actually want to live with someone who is so dismissive of you wanting to talk?

What will happen in future if she wants her mother to live with you?

nowornever1 · 25/05/2020 09:12

We went through a year of pain to save for a mortgage and it was worth it. We saved £500 rent plus council tax and insurance so in s year saved approx £10k and we moved out but my parents while they have good hearts are difficult so it was a hard 12 months but we did it and bought our first home.

Do you have a saving target and time limit ?

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