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Meeting up with others - in laws(8 Posts)
OK so obviusly we are aing way into lockdown now. Both me and my husband are still working - my husband fill time, I'm part time and a mix of going in to my workplace 2 days a week, and working 2 full days at home. We also have 3 children who are also at home, and we are trying to keep on track.
My inlaws are in their 60s, both fully retired, my mother in law has a lowered immune system. Prior to lockdown we rarely saw anything of them, although they live locally and moved here a number of years ago 'to help with the children'. Historically they never do anything with the children. Nevrf have them over for tea or take them to the park etc. It's quite usual for us to never see or hear a, peep from them, for example for the whole summer holidays, and if I suggest something like a, day out together there's usually a reason they don't want to go ('we always have lunch at 12,' Fridays the day we go to Asda' etc etc etc). Anyhow, you get the picture.
Since lockdown, however as church is cancelled - they are huge church goers, and their clubs are cancelled they keep asking us to arrange zoom stiff with them. (but alwats for us to organise for them to do - at least weekly we've arranged variously bingo, quiz nights, story telling, scattagories etc etc. I always call and offer to do their shopping if I'm going too, and 4 or 5 times we've walked over and done a chat from their driveway. They always try and make us go on, we always say no. I work in a relatively high risk environment and I worry I could be carrying the virus.
I also know they've done quiz nights with their n neighbours and church too.
Anyway, I do feel like we've done asuch as we reasonably can. I should I haven't seen my own patents at all since lockdown.
Things came to a bit of a head on Friday. 2 of my children had a massive fight, I'd had a, really stressful day at work (dealing with several situations where bad news had to be delivered to children). Because the fight had got physical between my 2 boys, they'd both been sent to bed early & my husband and I had planned a nice glass of wine in the garden with only the adults. Except it turned out to be 'church quiz night' on Zoom so my husband shot off to do that instead (I'm not part of the church, I don't like quizzes and didn't want to spend the evening on Zoom having been on it most of the day).
Anyway I made the mistake of saying on Facebook that I don't like quizzes, which I don't. Queue mother in law saying 'well, you should have just joined in' (rather than be on my own). Apparently they didn't know I didn't like quizzes and then (because I said, quite rightky we'd done quizzes every weekend since this starred that I had just fancued a change) she'd responded 'well, what other quizzes are you doing, then?'
I made the mistake of saying as well as dkung weekly things with them, I wadamso dkung them with my side of the family (my brother and his family). So now they've invited themselves to the Sunday afternoon catch up I try and do via zoom with my family (it's only 40 mins!). She 's gone directly to my brother about it and invited her and my father in law.
I also found out she's been messaging my older children and asking them over and saying' it won't hurt ', and that one of my children has actually been over (it's my uni age child - she' d told me she'd gone to the shops). It's tricky because my uni age child is an adult--but the underhand approach of my Mother in law has really annoyed me.
So, what would you do, if anything. I've spoken to my older child and said I didn't appreciate her breaking the guidance whilst we are all here.
I get my inlaws are just lonely, but so are my kids and I expect them to still follow the rules around socialising.
I've pretty much told my mother in law until I feel I'm blue in the face thst both my husband and I are still working during they day, and often catching up with some of the boys education in the evening as well. We don't have as much spare time as they do.
I also think of they wanted to spend time with us /the kids they could have done (but chose not to) prior to lockdown. They also could themselves organise a quiz or similar and incite us, instead of expecting us to always be the organisers or facilitators. I don't even know where to start with them 'invading' the small amount of time I get to chat to my own family.
Oh and I should add because I'm not 'the church goer' I'm in the wrong for not joining in on Fridays quiz, according to my husband and daughter despite the fact we'd arranged to do something else and they'd both forgottin about it until after it had started.
Am I being unreasonable in not doing more than their shopping, arranging a weekly 'social' online and distance visitung Once a fortnight? (I should add they are both fit and able, my mother in law is a cancer survivor but is in remission and up until lockdown worked until retirement, belonged to sports clubs etc)
I'd unplug the Internet router and say that the Internet is down!
YANBU, they sound rather selfish and thoughtless.
I quite like the idea of inciting people to quiz, sorry - made me giggle.
Sounds like you do a lot. Why can't your husband sort these things out for his family? It's lovely that you offer shopping, but I would stop there.
Regarding uni aged child. While they are in your house they abide by your rules, I would just remind them of that.
First things first I would text
"Hi mil, my brother mentioned you contacted him to join in with my family quiz? Sorry but no this is not happening, we do plenty with you, which is great, we enjoy it but you weren't interested in doing anything with us before lockdown so we have gone from zero to loads because you are bored, again that's fine but you aren't encroaching on my time with my family as well, sorry but no, we are entitled to time with my family and time as our own family unit without you always being involved. And trust me when I say I would say this to my side too. We split our time as equally as we can and sometimes we don't want to split that time with anyone but ourselves"
palm them off to your DH and concentrate on your own parents?
Uni child can stay at the in-laws if they go over again.
Uninvite them from your family thing.
I wouldnt attend the catch up with your family this week.
I would send your older daughter to live with them until lockdown is over. Actions have consequences and it's pointless isolating if someone in the household doesnt.
Here's how it panned out. Mil has also been telling daughter stuff off my Facebook (my daughter isn't my 'Friend' on Facebook) which has caused further issues.
MiL has continously messaged my husband saying he 'needed to take is dad out for a, whiskey' so in the end my husband went over for a whiskey in the garden to 'keep the peace' last night, so out of the bank Holiday weekend 2 of the nights we could have let our hair down have been spent appeasing the in laws 🙄.
They didnt turn up in the zoom with my brother yesterday. Whether he didn't link them, or they thought better of it I don't know and I've decided not to ask.
As a consequence I've now restricted what they can see on my Facebook (my husband doesn't do Facebook and they frequently pinch the family news/pictures from mine so they can talk to their friends about the grandchildren. But if they are going to use it to stir things up between me and my daughter, they are out.
Unfortunately my daughter still thinks I am on the wrong (for not joining in with the church quiz, and for saying I didn't like quizzes on my own Facebook page) & she still thinks it's a question of 'poor, lonely grandma'.
I'm letting sleeping dogs lie, for now. To answer the 'why don't I leave it to my husbsnd' posts I'm generally the one gking to the shops etc so its kind of natural that I ask them (and my neighbours) if they need anything. My husband would go but I know of I go I will probs remember something I need when I get there.
I am however, no longer organising weekly quizzes etc. Apparently they told my husband that the 1 time they organised it it took them 3 days (not sure how they think we have 3 spare days every week to do it, or actually why it took them 3 days - they are quite computer savvy). I've told my husband of it takes 3 days that should fill their lonely /boredom issue 😂😂😂
I am annoyed its ended up souring things with my daughter, but hopefully it will recover.
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