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To think good parenting can disguise control?

(22 Posts)
Mydoglicksplates Sun 24-May-20 08:45:23

My DD (16) is good friends with a girl, I will call her Amy. They've been friends for years and her parents have always been very overprotective and I guess I thought she must have some anxiety so have always followed the rules her mother gave me. For example only allowed to watch PG movies, not allowed to walk up the shop without an adult, not allowed to go around to another friends house just stay at mine (they have been friends since the start of senior school so it didn't seem strange in the begining) anyway Amy has never showed any desire for anything to change and my DD gets on well with her although have been at different schools since we moved a year ago.

Anyway since lockdown my son (12 but year 8) and her son (14 - year nine) have been playing fifa on the PS4, the son I call him Adam has been talking to mine and I am worried about him, he is only allowed to connect with my lad on the PS because my DD is friends with Amy, my lad didnt socialize with Adam before Lockdown but they enjoy playing Fifa together. Anyway despite being 14 Adam is not allowed to play Fortnite Pegi 12 or any remotely shooting game or connect with anyone else from school. He has a mobile but is only allowed the numbers of people his parents deem to be suitable, a group of my lads friends have been on zoom and watching movies together, they asked Adam to join but because the film was a 12 he wasn't allowed. Amy has never seemed worried about the restrictions but I've heard Adam on the voice chat and he is so low about not being able to connect with his friends.

My dh says it's just good parenting and boundaries, I think it's weird and controlling and stopping the children from growing up. I'm not sure what the point is in this post as not sure how I can do anything to change anything.

OP’s posts: |
Mucklowe Sun 24-May-20 08:53:28

It's terrible parenting. My parents were the same and it has taken me until the age of nearly 4 to work through the issues it gave me.

Mucklowe Sun 24-May-20 08:53:45

*40, not 4!

Landlubber2019 Sun 24-May-20 08:54:15

I see both sides tbh but wonder about the parents relationship? Perhaps there is a back story or maybe one parent is controlling the entire family dynamic and how?

AfterSchoolWorry Sun 24-May-20 08:57:29

That's shit parenting and very selfish parenting too. Poor boy.

molifly14 Sun 24-May-20 09:01:49

Its terrible parenting and it will end up with the children lying to them therefore they will loose all control anyway and also a lot of resent in later life. Children aren't something we own

Macaroni46 Sun 24-May-20 09:04:08

Very controlling and stifling

ChaoticCatling Sun 24-May-20 09:06:39

Very controlling to be limiting beyond normal age restrictions on films and games. Children without SN should know for themselves by 12 if they are not comfortable watching a film due to specific content despite being old enough to watch it. Other restrictions on children that are way out of step with the community and peers, without good reason, are controlling.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale Sun 24-May-20 09:11:54

Those kids will be the ones who drink themselves into oblivion in freshers week at uni because theyve never been allowed to do anything.

barbites Sun 24-May-20 09:17:00

In 2 years the daughter will be an adult, will she be allowed to go to the shop on her own then?
I'd love to keep my dd's safe with me always, but it's not normal, they would learn nothing and they would hate me!

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 24-May-20 09:36:53

@Mucklowe sorry, but grin Was about to say - they may have been bad parents but your spelling and vocabulary are excellent for your age.

KellyHall Sun 24-May-20 09:39:25

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

- this!!

Kitsandkids Sun 24-May-20 09:44:46

There’s good parenting and boundaries and then there’s being controlling and not allowing your children to have age appropriate experiences.

My two eldest are 11 and 12 and until recently weren’t allowed to watch 12 films but that’s because the eldest has slight SEN and neither of them could really understand the plot lines of more complicated films. They do watch certain ones now, such as the Marvel films.

My 11 year old is currently not allowed out of the house without me but that’s because he has been caught doing risky things when he has been out, such as climbing walls to out of bounds areas. As he can’t keep himself safe I have to do it for him. His older brother had been meeting up with a friend in town at weekends before lockdown happened.

So I think you have to put boundaries into place that are appropriate for your own kids, but if the boundaries are there to control rather than protect the kids, then that’s poor parenting. A friend of mine had very controlling parents and had a mental breakdown at the age of 16 and still doesn’t live independently aged 37.

missyoumuch Sun 24-May-20 09:49:33

I feel very bad for both of them. Are the parents religious? Reminds me of some things I saw in the crazy church my DM forced us to attend for awhile.

user1635482648 Sun 24-May-20 09:50:30

Oh, you mean how some parents are allowed to abuse their children because as a society even when we witness the abuse the parent can say "I'm their parent, I'm doing this because I care!" Or " they're ungrateful brats, they deserve it" and everyone else nods and says, "yes, you are their parent, I'm sure you have the best of intentions behind your abuse, I will let you continue".

"I am their parent" is not a fucking excuse for abuse that would not be tolerated in any other relationship.

CourtneyLurve Sun 24-May-20 10:08:24

Amy sounds fine, if a little overprotected.

Adam - Lots of parents ban shooter video games (or all video games). Not unusual.

He has a mobile but is only allowed the numbers of people his parents deem to be suitable

I mean, that sounds like good parenting to me? He's only 14. Being lonely does sound concerning. Is your son his only 'approved' friend? Maybe you could reach out to the parents and vouch for some other kids?

RandomMess Sun 24-May-20 10:17:34

But children need to learn how to make good choices for themselves... if they are never given choices his can they make good choices for themselves as adults?

Letting them have some friendships that you don't approves of means you can guide them in looking at things and standing up to bad influences etc.

NewModelAvaliableSoon Sun 24-May-20 10:22:04

I think it's controlling and awful parenting if I'm honest.

I think not letting your kids socialise with their friends (especially in lock down) is horrible! At their ages they should be allowed more control over who they speak/see. My 5 year old is having regular face time chats with his friends from school so I'd expect a 14 year to be able to do the same.

The game thing is a bit different - my 13 year old DSS plays fornite/call of duty and honestly it's disgusting the way he acts when he's playing them but 16 year old DSS was never like that at that age playing those types of games so to me it depends on the child and how those games affect their behaviour.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Sun 24-May-20 10:30:53

I don't think it's great but its doesn't sound abusive - the word controlling implies abuse to me.

I don't really think it's any of your business.

Zeusthemoose Sun 24-May-20 10:32:24

You have to occasionally stand back and let children make mistakes. My dd made a friend I didn't approve of last year but I just watched cautiously. The friendship fizzled out after 6 months and nothing untoward happened. This week dd said to me she wished she had never made friends with her as she turned out to be an idiot. She's learnt something through the process and I feel reassured she used her own sense and didn't follow blindly what this girl was doing. If I'd have barged in and banned hee from seeing this kid all of that would have been lost. I did keep a close eye on things though and offer her advice when she asked.

Grilledaubergines Sun 24-May-20 11:23:27

Not great parenting I don’t think. But perhaps they think it is and it’s working for them. Only time will tell.

Controlling? No.

Chocness Sun 24-May-20 13:17:54

I think there are much deeper issues going on here. People are not born controlling, their own life experiences mould them to be that way and it can be very hard, albeit not impossible to change that approach. I think you need to carry on respecting the mums requests and if you feel comfortable coach your son as to how he might respond to such comments/situation. I fear that if you go direct to the mother that this will end in a bad way for all concerned. She may have very valid reasons for being so controlling (childhood trauma etc) and you could be stepping into very difficult territory by being too involved.

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