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Fatherhood is 'tedious'

(221 Posts)
yadayadayadablah Sat 23-May-20 22:16:12

So, my husband has been distracted by his phone all evening. Very out of character.
I decided to take a look at his messages. Yes I know, it was wrong.
He's been messaging his friend ex housemate (from 3 years ago). In a nutshell, they lived together, my husband worked but his friend hasn't done a days work in his life, his parents pay for everything. His friend took major unbridge when my DH met me and said I had turned him against him etc, on the basis that my DH decided he wanted more than pot smoking and playing PlayStation at every spare moment.
This friend has taken to sending DH PlayStation games in the post with messages which began such as 'let's get the old times back' and then developed into it hope one day when you're not poisoned by her you'll be back to your old self'.
DH has always said it's ridiculous and that his friend has serious mental health issues and not to worry.
Tonight I see the message from his friend asking 'how is fatherhood?' (We have a 6 week old DS). My husband replies with 'tedious 🙄).
AIBU for being fucked off? No wonder his friend thinks he's unhappy if he's saying things like that.
Being an idiot I just said to my husband I don't want to be around him any more tonight as I'm obviously just tedious and he's hit the roof saying he wants a divorce, I've over stepped the mark looking at his messages.
I've been divorced before many years ago from a cheating husband at the time. It's no excuse and yes I should have trusted him but I just couldn't help it.
Ready to be flamed.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 23-May-20 22:19:44

You had no right at all to look at his messages. That’s completely out of order. If you’ve got issues caused by past relationships I’m afraid their yours to deal with. It’s not your husband’s fault your ex was a knob.

And this place is filled to the rafters with mothers saying how tedious and many many worse things parenting often is.

Your issues with his mate are a separate issue.

Oysterbabe Sat 23-May-20 22:20:39

Parenting a 6 week old is tedious. You were out of order to look at his messages.

elvislives2012 Sat 23-May-20 22:21:14

Parenting is tedious and you shouldn't have looked

HoneysuckIejasmine Sat 23-May-20 22:21:37

It sounds like there are other things going on. Surely you don't go from new baby to divorce over one thing?

I think fathers can feel a bit useless in the early days but a decent man will step up and take over general household stuff and be useful, and not expect a ticker tape parade. Because most mums will admit they find newborns a big tedious sometimes too.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 23-May-20 22:22:25

I just couldn't help it.

Well, that's just simply not true at all, is it? You could have helped it, you chose not to, and now you'll have to deal with the consequences. As far as what he said, babies can be quite tedious. It's not all roses and boxes of chocolates. He's probably just tired and stressed. You are massively overreacting.

SuperMumTum Sat 23-May-20 22:22:35

Parenting is tedious. Especially at the moment. And you have definitely overstepped the mark.

WorraLiberty Sat 23-May-20 22:22:51

I'm not sure what good flaming you would do?

1. Parenthood can be very tedious, especially when babies are young.

2. He's right, you massively overstepped the mark.

3. Everyone can dig up a cheating ex from the past but that's not an excuse to invade any future partner's privacy.

I'd leave him to calm down and have a chat then.

BruceAndNosh Sat 23-May-20 22:23:03

Well he was hardly likely to tell this mate that Fatherhood is wonderful

yadayadayadablah Sat 23-May-20 22:23:10

I fully agree I shouldn't have looked at the messages. Too much MN maybe which made me think read it now. Accepted.
He's not my ex husband and I know that, I've never had reason to doubt him.
I guess I've always been really hurt by the untrue stuff that his friend has always said and told multiple mutual friends and I guess that I'm now thinking well if he's saying it's tedious it gives the impression he regrets it. Plays right into their hands.

Notthetoothfairy Sat 23-May-20 22:23:23

Hmmm....there are most definitely bigger issues here if looking at the texts triggered that reaction. My DH wouldn’t have sent such messages in the first place but, if he had done, he just would have said “excuse me!” and put away his phone (and he would have got the third degree) if we had that conversation.

seeingdots Sat 23-May-20 22:23:30

He's allowed to say what he wants to his mates. How would you feel if he policed your friendships?

And 6 week old are pretty tedious.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sat 23-May-20 22:25:06

I'd be gutted as well. I guess maybe he didnt really mean it and was being 'one of the lads' and cant show his true feelings to him etc...but even if that's the case I dont think I'd be able to respect a man who cant create some distance from a friend who's opinion he doesnt respect. He must have been saying stuff like that to his friend all the say through for his friend to be sending him stuff saying 'if you're still a prisoner'. I'd be hurt on behalf of my child more than myself though, imagine being summed up as being tedious. If someone says they want a divorce after one argument though I'd say they were looking for an excuse to get out. I'm sorry.
I think I'd call say fine to the divorce at this stage

Gingerkittykat Sat 23-May-20 22:25:29

Does he ever physically see this friend? Just because he is in a relationship with a child doesn't mean he can't have friends or game sometimes, of course not when the baby is 6 weeks old but sometimes in the future.

WorraLiberty Sat 23-May-20 22:26:40

My DH wouldn’t have sent such messages in the first place

What do you mean by 'such messages'?

He only replied that he thought fatherhood was tedious.

youwereagoodcakeclyde Sat 23-May-20 22:27:17

Maybe he thinks it is tedious, but I think it is possible to think it is tedious but also wonderful simultaneously

Maybe he feels sorry for his friend and doesn't want to say the good bits as his friend's life sounds very empty

You can't discuss it all until calmer and you have apologised for looking at his messages

Gre8scott Sat 23-May-20 22:27:42

Tedious is the only way to describe parenting a 6week old

yadayadayadablah Sat 23-May-20 22:28:03

He hasn't seen this friend for about 2 years as far as I'm aware. DH has always said they've grown apart and he doesn't think his friend can accept it.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie you seem to be pretty much on the way of how I'm thinking.

borntohula Sat 23-May-20 22:29:14

This is brilliant, so many threads full of posters encouraging people to 'snoop' when they think their OHs are cheating but on this occasion, it's terrible! Parenting a 6 week old CAN be tedious but did he not mention any of the positives? I'd be tempted to just get that divorce if he wants it so much.

NailsNeedDoing Sat 23-May-20 22:29:19

You really need to apologise for looking at his messages, he had every right to hit the roof.

If he treats you well and is being active in new fatherhood, then judge him on that, not on a throwaway comment he makes to his old single mates. Tbf, some aspects of parenthood are tedious.

IPityThePontipines Sat 23-May-20 22:29:28

No, you shouldn't have looked at his phone.

Early parenthood can be tedious.

But him snapping he wants a divorce is odd.

However, lockdown with a newborn must be hard. You both need to be very kind to each other.

LivingThatLockdownLife Sat 23-May-20 22:30:08

Must have missed something.. from reading texts to wanting divorce.. do not pass go, do not collect £200.. and a 6 week old baby in the mix..

I don't really want to know but there must be an epic drip feed coming.

WorraLiberty Sat 23-May-20 22:30:14

He hasn't even seen him for years?

What on earth are you worried about what this guy thinks then?

Alsohuman Sat 23-May-20 22:30:49

Before I came across MN I’d never heard of people going through their spouses’ phones. It’s so disrespectful. There’s an old saying about eavesdroppers never hearing any good of themselves, you’ve got the proof for yourself now, OP. Hopefully he’ll accept your apology and forgive you.

WorraLiberty Sat 23-May-20 22:32:05

Parenting a 6 week old CAN be tedious but did he not mention any of the positives?

Perhaps he would've done if he thought the contents of his private message, was going to be under so much scrutiny.

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