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For my daughter and I to want to live close?

(23 Posts)
Shelanagig Sat 23-May-20 19:56:40

There's a thread on here with people being of the consensus that they couldn't live very close to parents or in-laws and I'm wondering if my daughter and I are very unusual.

We're not a mother and daughter pair who've never cut the umbilical cord, we've lived in separate countries with little contact before now.

These days now, she's settled down back here, with a partner and children. About an hour away from me. We've been dreaming of living together as a three generation family. In fact she's been a bit pissed off with me that me buying the house next door to where she lives at the moment doesn't seem to me completely work out. For reasons of price size and location. She and her partner appreciate my input now and realise I'm due to get doddery in a while. We respect each other's privacy and reckon it could work.

Surely we're not the only ones?

Idododoidadada Sat 23-May-20 21:43:24

How old are the kids and how old are you?

Winterwoollies Sat 23-May-20 22:12:26

You might love it. And she might love it. But how does her partner really feel?

It’s vert different with your own family.

ScottishBadger Sat 23-May-20 22:14:12

I live next door to my in laws 😁 900 miles away from my mother though

1Morewineplease Sat 23-May-20 22:15:14

I agree.. how would her partner feel about this?

lyralalala Sat 23-May-20 22:47:52

It's not remotely unusual. As long as people, especially the partners, are brutally honest and realistic before moving in, or next door, it can work very well.

When I first met DH I had my Nana (she brought me up) living with me for a few years. We now have MIL living with us since FIL went into a care home.

The mistake a lot of people make is over-estimating the fun side of it. It's not the same as when someone visits for a week or even stays for a month. And a lot of people sit down and hash out all the big issues like getting involved in child discipline and personal space beforehand without realising that it's actually shit like do the spoons go on the left or right of the drawer, or does the person who picks up the shopping keep getting Branston Beans instead of Heinz that actually causes the fall outs.

BumpBundle Sat 23-May-20 23:00:01

I think a lot of people would happily leave near to their own parents or children but that a lot of people would abhor living next to their in-laws. I would feel outnumbered, I would feel like I couldn't be the head figure in my own family and that I was living half-in and half-out of my own life. If you live with your daughter and get on so well then, almost undoubtedly, her partner will feel somewhat excluded and as an 'outsider'. I would seriously check that he's ok before doing anything.

Iseeareddoor Sat 23-May-20 23:01:21

Is your DD an only child?

It is not uncommon for an only child, especially of a single parent, to feel obligated to care for their parent as they age. Perhaps she is preparing for that eventuality as opposed to being something that she is “dreaming of”.

I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t put my DH in that position either, nor my children.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime Sat 23-May-20 23:03:24

I can see my parents house from my bedroom, about 10 doors away. It's been a life saver as a single parent, once I asserted some boundaries. My cousin and aunt live even closer their back gardens back on to each other so they just put a gate in.

OtterBe4 Sat 23-May-20 23:07:23

I wouldn’t want to live next door or in same house but I am planning to move back to my home town in the next few years as my eldest DD is getting married and hoping to start a family and she wants me near to them.
Fortunately my soon to be son in law and his parents and our family all get on really well, I’m looking forward to it as I miss seeing her.

DamnYankee Sat 23-May-20 23:20:46

Who is "we"? Does this include your SIL? And don't confuse silence with "completely on board."

Do you have hobbies, friends, and interests of your own? I think it would very hard not to let those get swallowed up by the day-to-day household activities and concerns when you are living in said household.

Windyatthebeach Sat 23-May-20 23:25:17

2 of my adult dc live within 3 miles of me. Their choice - I lived here first!!
I have spare keys for cleaning duties if requested and parcel delivery /essential maintenance bookings!
Can't imagine ever peeping in a door or window shouting coo ee!!

Shelanagig Sun 24-May-20 00:33:20

DD and I are sady all that's left of our family. Her dad died about a year and a half ago, and her brother two years ago. Which has of course increased our closeness. Being brutally honest.

But the living together plans were being initiated by her and her partner whilst the rest of the family were still around. With me and her dad living with her family. She found a small holding with a ramshackle cottage with space and potential but we couldn't get the cash together in time.

The partner - yes, we've differences that we acknowledge and respect but he's a very very family orientated man himself. I'd have to cope with his mum and dad, step mum and dad, gazillions of step brothers and sisters, grandparents. Cousins. Nephews and nieces - I might go away in December for a nice solitary holiday, come to think of it. We reckon that however we do it, we'd be best to have separate kitchens. I'd rather like own bathrooms too.

Yes, it's the minor things that get to us in the end. I hate a dirty bath and the lid not going back on the shampoo. But I'm slack in the kitchen and we have different dietary habits. I'm sure we've got LOADS of things to irritate each other with - the important thing is keep the dialogue open.

I've a full life of my own, lots of interests and friends. I think actually it's important for everyone's sake that I don't lose sight of myself and my individuality. A burgeoning new relationship too which could complicate matters but right now I'm not feeling ready for a live in relationship with anyone else.

We might just all end up living close. Close enough for the babies to walk when they are big enough.

Someone else asked about the children - they're very little. One will be one in September and and his big brother will be two in July. So me being around will be very useful once lockdown makes it possible to get back there. I was spending a couple of days a week there before the country realised the seriousness of CV.

And another PP asked my age - I'm 62

It's good to hear others are managing to live close to their families.

Slightlyunhinged Sun 24-May-20 02:18:58

My parents lived 3 doors up from me and it was great. DH and I were here first, and Mum and Dad lived about 3 miles away. When the time came to downsize they really liked the house 3 doors up and asked how we would feel about it. We all sat down together and talked about it before they moved. It made life so much easier as they got elderly, especially after my Mum died. We did all live our own lives and we all agreed that we needed to respect each others space, but there weren't really any problems. I've just asked DP if he ever regretted them being so near and he said that he liked it although he did get irritated when they kept asking him to fix things as soon as he got in from work. Sadly both my parents are dead now - I really miss seeing them every day.

Monty27 Sun 24-May-20 02:25:31

It sounds perfect as long as you're all in agreement and happy to be together 👍

TakemedowntoPotatoCity Sun 24-May-20 02:43:16

My mother lives around the corner - it's great, especially for my daughter.

IMO there's a world of difference between living down the road, or even next door, and living together. I would advise the former, I certainly couldn't do the latter.

Ponoka7 Sun 24-May-20 03:21:13

I moved a five minute walk away from my Mum after being widowed, would have quite happily moved into her street. She helped me with childcare, later on we helped her get out everyday even though she used a wheelchair.

My DD's would stay over if needed, there were times when I did as well.

I'm very close to my adult DD's, i provide childcare. I don't recognise the problems on here, over family providing childcare etc amongst the people who I know. It depends on if you're the interfering, judgemental type. You do have to remember yourself at your adult children's age and ask yourself if you wanted an opinion or advice. There's personality types who can't make those relationships work, i get that.

I wouldn't want to live with any of them, though. It's a bit too noisy and I like my days of doing nothing and being in pjs all day. I feel as though I've done my time of relentless family/housework duties. I've gone part time.

ExhaustedFlamingo Sun 24-May-20 04:06:14

I grew up with my nan living across the road. It allowed me to have a really close relationship with my grandparents and even at a young age I could walk over to their house on my own as my mum and nan could both see me from their door and wave to each other.

I think my mum found it hard at times because she never really figured out how to have a grown-up relationship with her parents. My mum is disabled so her parents tended to baby her a bit and she always felt frustrated by it. Despite the occasional frustrations, she did like the fact they were so close and my grandparents loved it. Worked out well for us.

In much later years, after my granddad died, my nan went to live with her other daughter. That was a huge success. And now, that other daughter (my aunt) lives with her daughter, her grand-daughter and her great-grand-daughter all in one house! They're all really happy now. Grand-daughter has a partner but they don't live together. I imagine when she's a bit older (early 20s now) she will move out with partner/child and they'll get their own place. My aunt and her daughter plan on this being their forever home together.

Rosebel Sun 24-May-20 04:25:16

I'd love to live next door to my parents but my husband wouldn't and I respect that. In the same way I wouldn't want to live next door to MIL and in my opinion living in the same town is too close.
If you, your daughter and her partner are all happy with it, I can't see a problem.

Stinkycatbreath Sun 24-May-20 08:01:28

I love my mum and dad and and my MIL but we live 28 and 20 miles away respectively. It seems like hundreds of miles off at the moment. My husband is due to be posted for work next year and we were hoping to be closer to them but we are the same distance but with less motorway access. Id love to live closer to them all.

Cam2020 Sun 24-May-20 08:23:06

I think it depends on the relationship. My mum lives a 15 minute drive away from me and I love that, we're very close. We moved closer to her after having our daughter. My mum has her own life, is very mindful and respectful of boundaries, however, and not at all interfering (DP agrees by the way grin). In laws however, are extremely interfering and could not be trusted not just to turn up at all hours of night and day, whenever the felt like it. DP finds them just as intrusive as I do - that proximity definitely would not work for us.

SerenDippitty Sun 24-May-20 08:39:00

I lived about 10 mins away from my mother. Just as well as she developed dementia in her later years and needed a lot of support and care. But when she was well she was always respectful of our privacy anyway.

vanillandhoney Sun 24-May-20 08:40:02

It depends on the relationship doesn't it?

I love my parents but wouldn't ever want to live with them again! They're currently about 45 minutes away.

My in-laws are five minutes away - far enough that they don't just turn up but close enough that they're there if we need them. My FIL looks after our dog while we work which he wouldn't be able to do if he lived further away. He loves said dog to bits grin

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