I’ve asked DH to leave(107 Posts)
Hi, name changed for this - I am a regular poster.
A few years ago I found out that DH was having an emotional affair and it had been going on for years. Our DD was very ill at the time so I forgave him as I didn’t have the strength to do anything else. A condition of forgiveness was that he cut all contact and that I would not be forgiving him a second time if he was ever unfaithful again. We had a couple of marriage guidance sessions but It was difficult to fit them in around work and family life so we stopped.
Fast forward to today and I’ve found out that DH has been paying for phone sex with randomers for years. I am appalled and have asked him to leave. He’s refusing to leave (not sure where he could go), says he loves me and says he doesn’t want me to destroy our family. I’ve pointed out that it is his actions that will destroy the family.
I love DH but can’t believe that I’m in this situation, again. I’m broken right now, and have to make the biggest decision of my life whether to break up my family. I vowed after the first time that I wouldn’t (couldn’t) forgive him a second time, but I can’t cope with the thought If shattering our DDs lives. One of them is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and I really don’t know how she’d cope with the news, especially without support during lockdown.
Really don’t know what to do, I’m too broken to think about anything let alone make the biggest decision of my life.
I have no advice, but someone will be along with words of wisdom soon
You forgave him once and were clear on expectations and consequences for a repeat.
Teach your DD that self respect is important. That you don't stay with someone who breaks your trust and that even though you love him, some things aren't ok in a marriage.
What a fucking arsehole to blame YOU for breaking up the family. Narcissistic much?
You don't have to make any decisions immediately, you are entitled to state what you need. Perhaps that's a bit of the to let this settle and figure out what you want.
Remember it is his actions that have caused this, not yours. Don't let him pass the blame onto you.
He doesn't want you to destroy the family
What a selfish arsehole! He was the one who misbehaved, not you. Tell him to stop gaslighting you.
YANBU to end a relationship that you do not want to be in. Do what is best for you. If you're not happy then you're not happy.
YABU to kick someone out of a mutual home during a pandemic. If you want to end the relationship then you should sleep in the spare room until reasonable arrangements can be made.
have to make the biggest decision of my life whether to break up my family
You don't have to make this decision. He already has.
The trouble is, to him, this probably isn't 'cheating' like it is to you ( or to me or most of us) some people compartmentalise and he sounds like he's one of them. He's doing what he wants and thinks it doesn't effect the other compartments if his life . Be useful in his view he's the perfect dad/husband /worker etc in all his other boxes .
Ask him to give you space why you consider the repercussions of his actions .
The absolute cheek of him saying you’re the one who’s destroying the family. Fuck that shit, seriously.
Defo spare room with “daddy snores” as the excuse to the children.
As soon as letting agencies open get him out. You are not sexually compatible. Whether he wants it more than you do or likes it with someone ‘Dirty’ on the phone, or likes porn or whatever, he has done things which you do not find acceptable and he will be unable to stop as he is controlled by the contents of his underpants.
I’ve had problems for similar reasons with bf’s and their dicks and their needs. And honestly. It’s pathetic.
Start thinking about finances and make sure you have a plan to be fair to you both and gives dc somewhere nice to stay when they are at either of your houses. You may have to sell the family house and split the profit to pay for the mortgage deposit on new pads each or somesuch. Think about schools and house prices in the catchment areas etc. Work out how best to deal with this situation and what you want from it.
I know it’s hard but separating doesn’t mean doom and gloom for the children. Some get two christmases two birthdays etc so it’s not all bad.
If he didn’t think this would happen he shoulda gone to spec savers. What did he think would happen? Arse.
There are ways of doing things when splitting up that will make you all happy.
Thanks for your thoughts. He is a great dad and provider for us (we both work full time but he earns far more than I do).
I’m very scared of separating from a financial point of view but also worried about the effect it will have on DDs. I appreciate that I have a responsibility to show them they are worth more and deserve to be treated with respect, but they are blissfully unaware of the previous affair and current situation.
Theres not a good time, so dont plan to wait for it. Sooner the better will be best in the long run for everyone.
If he tries using that line about you deatroying the family again, id be telling him that it was his actions that have caused this. And when people ask why you broke up id be telling them about his affair and then Sex lines and that he couldn't see an issue with either.
He is a great dad
What does he do for them at the moment And what do you want him t be doing for them going forward?
He doesn’t deserve you or the children and I’m afraid he won’t stop. I forgave an actual physical affair and he went back to her pretty much immediately. I was pregnant at the time and you really can’t sink much lower than that. You deserve your life to be real and to live without paranoia, fear and lies. Wishing you strength OP. 💐
He has disregarded what you said once already and is now dismissing your feelings about him having done it again.
It is HIS actions which have caused this, and which will break up the family, not yours. You generously gave him a second chance which he has now blown, so he is turning it around onto you.
I see no reason at all why you cannot throw him out during a pandemic. It wouldn't be unreasonable at all. If he has nowhere to go then that is his problem and he should have thought of it before. Nobody should have to be locked down with a twat in a relationship that has ended.
I ended my marriage when my children were 6 and 9. No wrongdoing on my ex husband’s part, but I just knew that I didn’t love him as one should love a husband (although I obviously cared about him) and probably never had - we were way too young when we got together and I didn’t know any better.
Anyway, of course it was a big deal, and a huge upheaval. But we coped, and they came out of it just fine. We (my ex and I) worked hard to co parent respectfully and to make sure that we did everything we could to make it okay for the girls. Years later and looking at them now, both well rounded and well balanced young women, I am so glad I didn’t stay in a deeply unhappy marriage for their sakes. It would not have been fair on them to make that their model for relationships.
Have a look at mortgage calculators and see how much you can get yourself. Just out of curiosity. It could be more than you think.
Kids from ‘broken homes’ are more the norm these days. It really isn’t the end of the world. They’ll be fine.
Surely the one who can’t stay faithful is the one who breaks the marriage and family up?.
Why is he throwing it back to you as your fault?.
I'm not sure that a man who is having an affair at the time their child is very ill is a great dad. I don't know about you, but I wouldnt have the headspace to think about soomeone else....
I'm also not convinced that a father who is having phone sex with randomers for years is a greta dad either. It must have talen quyote a bit of his headspace. And he is still showing you a total lack of respect. That's not the actions of a great dad.
Unless what you equate with being a great dad is earning a good wage....
Bottom line is. If you stay, you will grow ressentful. He has destroyed your relationship with his actions. And he knew very well he was. I just so happens that he didnt get caugt for a long time. But he is still the one who took the decision.
You need to do what is right FOR YOU so you can be the best mum for your dds. The mum that your dd need around them. And somehow, even though it will be hard to be on your own, I dont think that him being in the picture will help you be your best self and be happy
You absolutely have to follow through. You afforded him a 2nd chance he didn't deserve. Years! Not a one off mistake, years of your relationship has been a lie.
You can do this OP.
you have not broken up this family, he has.
I think staying with someone for the money will kill your self esteem. I also personally think paying women to talk dirty to him , or to let him to talk dirty to them On the phone whilst he sits and jacks off is really something that would properly give me the ick, I’d not be able to look at him again the same.
But maybe you can. I don’t quite see it as cheating either I just find it makes my skin crawl and no matter how rich he is or how great a father I’d not wish to be Crawling into the same bed as him.
There is something about that whole scene that really grosses me out. The thought of him paying some woman to listen to him spew filth and wank.
Honestly you need to understand how you view it. If you can take it and keep going as normal. The kids will adapt they always do. This is about you and what kind of man you’re willing to be with and why.
I’m afraid I’d be out.
* He’s refusing to leave (not sure where he could go), says he loves me and says he doesn’t want me to destroy our family.*
You haven't destroyed the family - he has. He was warned, very clearly that if he messed about again then that would be it. He did - so trying to blame you for not wanting to stay married to a liar and a cheat is pretty pathetic. If he loved you then he wouldn't have gone behind your back. Now that he's been found out he's trying to emotionally blackmail his way out of the situation.
In your shoes I would tell both your families, and make it clear that you have asked him to move out as the marriage is over, but he's refused. He's worried about people finding out what he's been up to - stop protecting him and put some pressure on.
It's not you breaking up a family.
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