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In-laws moving next door(534 Posts)
Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?
Example. Whatever we want for our kids, she punishes them for it and tells them this, "I do things at my house the way I want them & you all do things at your house the way you want them." Do you know 1st hand what does to a growing child? I guess not.
Ahhhh!!! I could NOT survive this (in law's moving in next door!!)! I'd run far away!!
If you would have told me that after ALL the abuse my mil has put on my kid's, their son, and our marriage......... I'd say something must be wrong with you.
My husband cant even talk to her. She just wont listen bc in her mind she is superior over him and I. Example. Whatever we want for our kids, she punishes them for it and tells them this, "I do things at my house the way I want them & you all do things at your house the way you want them." Do you know 1st hand what does to a growing child? I guess not.
I'd totally talk to the man, explain how you feel & go from there. Given its your inlaws..............oh no. Not right next door. If you're okay with moving, girl do it!!!!!
@Trewboris She's the ONLY one that it bothers. There's OBVIOUSLY something wrong with her. If I were her husband I'd divorce her first for the way she is acting.
Yes you are totally being unreasonable. Only in the western world is it normal for children to move away from parents. It stunts family wealth building. It's more ideal for multiple generations to live in the same home. Living next door is a cake walk.
Also, if you married into this family why would you feel the need to dress up when they come over? It doesn't sound like you get dressed up for your husband & kids on your lazy days, so you shouldn't for your other family members either. It sounds like you're just bringing it all on yourself in your head. There is no need to "entertain" your in-laws when they come, just like you wouldn't entertain your kids. Your putting that responsibility on yourself. Plus your nuts if you think your non-family neighbors aren't judging you for drinking wine in the sun outside AND then talking crap about it all to your other neighbors. That's even worse & more awkward. A sane person would wish they had a family member neighbor, that has their back in the neighborhood. Your story makes us feel sorry for the in-laws that their son married you, such a non-family oriented, uncaring person.
my suggestion: put the kids to bed, get a bottle of wine, watch Bad Moms, Christmas and take notes
Omg-my ex inlaws would have tried this. You're going to need a large fence, and a conversation with all involved, including your husband. This is an invasion of privacy at the least, a malicious power move at the worst. Don't let them tell you they're "helping you", or gaslight you any other way. Friendly but firm "you must call first - I am an adult, and honor my space". Good luck!
I get on OK with the in-laws but I would not want them living next door. His parents live apart and both phone him quite a lot. I think if they lived next door they would either be popping round all the time or expecting to see him/us daily - I would dread a situation like yours. Some families are happy to live in each others pockets, but I've never been that close with my own family and it wouldn't suit me at all! If ever either of my in-laws suggest moving in next door I would discourage them before they made a purchase or started (nightmare) renovations (especially as they would expect my better half to help, a lot, as he is in the trade). As his parents are getting older and less able to manage he has sug gested at some stage his dad might need to live with us while his brother would care for his mum. I try not to think about it as it is one of those scenarios I hope will never happen (and his dad would drive me mad....visit OK...lengthy stay not). I can't see how to resolve your situation now they've got the house and started work on it - you might have to have a long chat and set some rules/guidelines and lay your expectations on the table as well as finding out what they see happening. Your husband should also talk to them and make it clear that neighbours do not invade privacy and they should not become a major pain in your arse, as such. My only advice if you can't get them to sell the place is to not allow them to get into bad habits e.g. if they start phoning, knocking on your door daily or leaning over the fence to chat every time you go in the garden, tell them it is not acceptable, or you are busy, or you haven't the time or inclination for daily/hourly chit-chats etc. I;m still a bit gobsmacked that anyone would think it OK to just buy a place without full and frank discussions or negotiations first. Good luck - sounds as though you might need some. +
Oh, yes - it's the same old media merry-go-round.
To be fair to the show, they're discussing the principle and people's similar experiences in general, rather than focusing on OP's case in particular.
Jeremy vine show getting its content from mumsnet now is it 🙄 are they sharing staff with the daily mail??
Sounds like you've made the Jeremy Vine show (the one on Channel 5) - they're about to discuss this in a few minutes.
I don't think you're unreasonable. May I explain how it's going to get better though? I live in the U. S. A. and live next door to my husband's parents and have been since 1992. When we had our first child in 1989 we lived in my childhood home so we could save money to buy a house. Then my in-laws decided to build a home on the 5 acres they already owned around the corner from us which had a house on it when they bought the property, so they decided to split the land into 3 separate lots, with the first lot being the one with the house that was already there, the 2nd lot was the house they were custom building, and the 3rd lot was and still is empty. Now, after they built their home and moved into it they told us to move in also so we could save money and it would be more convenient for my hubby to get to work, according to my father in law, because their equipment yard where employees showed up every day was on the property that had the existing house next door and had an employee living in said house, so he could guard the yard, according to my FIL. So me being nice, said we would move in with them and did with our newborn. Now here's where it gets crazy! After about 2 months of living under their roof my FIL decides to cut hubbies paycheck in half so they could save the money for him to buy me a house and then whatever was left over in his check was just spending money for us like a kids allowance because they weren't charging us rent or making us pay for anything. So after our child turned 2 I got pregnant again with our 2nd child and then it happened! My in-laws kicked out the employee in the house next door and told my hubby we could have it for free and my hubby said yes and so I went along with it. Yeah, I know. Well, after about 3 months of living in our house my FIL starts asking me about my girlfriends who would stop over for a visit but the thing is they would only come to my house at night. I started getting suspicious as to how he knew what time they were arriving and leaving because I started having them park down the street and sneak up to my from door and low and behold the next day he would question what so and so was doing there and why did they leave at that time. Well, one day when they weren't home I snuck up to their bedroom and looked out their bedroom window, and realized why their custom home was not built according to the architects plans. Looking out their window upstairs, I could see straight into my kitchen window and my living room!! Yeah, my FIL had planned on us living in that house all along! Like from the moment we moved from our apartment when I got pregnant back in 1988 and moved in my childhood home with my dad, to save money to buy our own house. Well, I was livid! So, I told my hubby and he having just become a partner in the family business, because that's what my FIL wanted for our future and that's what he's been working for all these years for, according to him, got a sledgehammer and started breaking down walls and remodeled our house and the company paid for the whole entire remodel including all the custom finishes and my extra large jetted bathtub in my 500 square foot master bedroom and bathroom, my kids bedrooms include 2 walk in closets, 1 for clothes the other for shoes! All windows are facing north and south because my old kitchen window faced west. And yes I still live here but it is all good because my FIL realized that if you are going to play the psycho game with me, you pay in every sort of way I feel there is. Moral of story? It will get better having your in laws living next door as long as you can see beforehand what they have in mind, and you are strong minded enough to let them know what you will put up with and please make sure you know what is going on with the remodeling they are doing. Sorry this is super long but I just thought you hearing my story, would make you feel better about yours. Lol
Interesting situation, are they expecting you and your husband to care for them as they get older? Are they capable of babysitting? I wouldn’t be their punching bag. If they’re critical all the time tell them they need to keep their criticism to themselves, or even start pointing out things you don’t like about them. The biggest problem I would have is the cramp they would put in my wife and I’s social life and entertaining friends at home. Have and escape plan if you can’t train them to behave.
gumball37, OP is internationally famous, as are some commenters. Thanks for sharing as that really is ROTFLMAO!
@gumball37....I was just getting ready to post this
Soooo.... Found this 🤣🤣🤣
You are not at all nuts. I’ll go out on a limb and guess that if your husband thinks it’ll be just fine (while simultaneously brushing aside your concerns) he may not be great about setting boundaries with them.
My MiL damn near killed our marriage and she lives 1,000 miles away. Similar story, just different details I’m sure. Passive aggressiveness, manipulative behavior, and other intolerable judgements that my spouse didn’t want to acknowledge much less deal with. It was like my spouse was in denial about being in denial.
A house divided against itself cannot stand. It will be imperative that the two of you remain united and that he is actively involved in setting boundaries.
I don't feel the least bit sorry for people who would move in next door to a DIL and not have the basic courtesy of a conversation as to how she felt about it.
Neither her husband nor her in laws have a scrap of respect for her.
I think they may reap what they sowed.
Have you seen those ones you can flip in the middle to make a table? Then you could have Breakfast dinner and lunch together.
I can feel a gate in the fence coming on.....
Gosh, I feel sorry for the in-laws because it sounds like they are going to face a lot of unfriendly behaviour from you. They must have been given some encouragement to do this as why would they go to all this trouble of buying and renovating a house just to be near their son and daughter-in-law, only to face such resentment before they even move in. I can't believe all this happened without any discussion, or did you ever think that they might be lonely, or actually like being near their son. Have your daily wine if that's all your worried about and try and be a bit more authentic both with your daily habits and your feelings and perhaps you won't find the move such a threat to your daily life.