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Regretting TTC

(48 Posts)

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Leobynature Sat 23-May-20 12:18:28

I know I sound really bloody ungrateful but I’m really anxious and scared.

I am 35, 36 soon. I live with my DP of 10 years. It’s not a perfect relationship but we are committed.

In my life I have been pregnant 5 times. I had 3 abortions- 1 in my teens as I was reckless, one in my 20’s- I was on the pill and one when dd was few months old- I don’t know how I caught, I wasn’t having periods.

Anyway at 33, on the 5th cycle I became pregnant with DD and I was over the moon. I appreciate it wasn’t a long time, but it felt like it took forever too conceive with her. She was a very wanted baby. I always knew I wanted her to have a sibling and I didn’t want a huge age gap.

My DP and I started to talk about a second a few months ago. We agreed to start trying as I thought it could take few months, if not longer. I came off the pill in March, I had a period in April. We didn’t time sex. This last 10 days I have felt horrendous; tired, headaches, nausea, cramping, bloated and constipated. I took a pregnancy test this morning and it’s positive. However period not due for another 3 days.

I am absolutely shitting myself. I do not feel prepared. I have known I was pregnant for a week now and still can’t tell DP. I am worrying about everything.
• I still have 1 stone baby weight to lose from last pregnancy. Can I try to lose weight now
• I have been in my new job for 10 months now, I am assistant manager. (I do have continuous service in LA). I am scared I will now have a reputation for taking the piss.
• house suddenly feels too small- 3 bed semi with box room.
• none of my friends have children (stupid worry I know). I feel like I have now sacrificed something
• With DD I had no symptoms but spotting. I feel worse in these last few days then I did through the entire pregnancy. Is this how the rest of the pregnancy will be?

I feel really anxious like I did with the other pregnancies I ended, however I will continue with this as I ‘asked’ for it and I’m 37 next year so time is not on my side.

Have I been completely stupid?

Leobynature Sat 23-May-20 12:19:24

I don’t know why the voting thing is on hmm

PiggyPokkyFool Sat 23-May-20 12:25:01

No you haven't been completely stupid and you may continue to feel rough( I did) until week 11/12.
I lost the last stone and a bit of DD1's baby weight( some of it put on after she was born-ahemblush in the fist 4 months of being pregnant with DD2. Combination of feel nauseous and giving up alcohol and anything greasy which I just didn't fancy.
Don't worry about the job - you won't need to mention i for 5 months or so.
Take a breath - tell DP and from a stability point of view make him DH.

Zoecarter Sat 23-May-20 12:26:20

You have planed a baby had unprotected sex and now pregnant. I don’t see the shock. I do think it says a lot that your top worry is you wanted to lose a stone first 🙄

PiggyPokkyFool Sat 23-May-20 12:29:03

Gosh - should have read that before I posted but you know what I mean.
I didn't tell my employers about DD2 until I was just shy of 6 months as it was City bonus time and I didn't want to miss out.
Said it was a surprise as I was still feeding DD1 at night( I wasn't but would explain why I wouldn't maybe have known and who was going to question it?) and lo and behold was 5 months pregnant - Quelle surprise...

PiggyPokkyFool Sat 23-May-20 12:30:34

I wonder if she means @Zoecarter that she wanted her body back as her first before handing it over to someone else again?

Leobynature Sat 23-May-20 12:32:59

@Zoecarter that wasn’t in any specific order. The thing about anxiety and worry is it doesn’t always make sense. Also, it is a worry because I use to have an eating disorder and find weight gain really hard to cope with.

I thought about leaving it as late as possible to tell boss

Crazybunnylady123 Sat 23-May-20 12:54:37

Hey, everything will be fine. Time will go quickly and you will have two gorgeous kids. Then you can work on getting “you” back. I’m 35 and my second dd is due next month. I’m so please my family will be completed. I will definitely be getting “me” back after she’s born and not dealing with pregnancy ever again.
As for space you have plenty, box room is perfect for a nursery and they can play in the bigger bedroom together anyway. I think your overthinking!

Meadows20 Sat 23-May-20 13:06:13

Firstly, be a bit kinder to've got a whole flood of hormones hitting your body at once and it's completely normal to have anxiety when you're pregnant, even if it was planned! So...

Try not to worry about the weight, if you're feeling this nauseous then it's likely to come off naturally over the next few weeks anyway...a stone is not a lot in the grand scheme of things but I get with a previous ED it can bring a lot of old feelings back. If you had therapy for this, maybe revert back to some of your old teachings to manage this anxiety? Or look up some online CBT courses?

I fell pregnant 10 months after starting a new job as well and they didn't bat an eyelid. They knew my rough age when they employed me and there was a good chance I might want kids. By the time you go on MAT leave, you'd have worked there for 18 months so that's a pretty good stint.

Remember the baby will be in your room for the first 6 months, so you've got well over a year to decide whether the house is too small or not...I know a baby comes with a lot of stuff but you already have this and they don't really need that much room.

In the same boat with friends here. Some have zero interest in kids so they'll be the ones I'll likely have more 'grown up' chats/outings with and some of my broodier friends have offered baby sitting duties so to me I'm getting the best of both worlds smile

And every pregnancy is different and you might feel shit for the first 12-14 weeks or longer if you get unlucky. I could barely lift my head off the pillow for the first 13 weeks, cried a lot, couldn't eat much and felt constantly nauseous. Then suddenly at 14 weeks i had a light switch moment but then got sciatica and gestational diabetes so had a whole wave of other issues to contend with. At points I've really hated this pregnancy and have said multiple times I'm not doing it again (but I already know I will!) Try to remember it doesn't last forever but you're still allowed to be pissed off by it and you're allowed to moan about it smile

Good luck OP...take one day at a time and it'll get easier smile

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn Sat 23-May-20 13:22:52

Well as you hadn't thought it through properly then yes I do think ywbu to have unprotected sex, even if you weren't trying. You can't keep having abortions.

PiggyPokkyFool Sat 23-May-20 13:28:29

Oh really @ItsSpitting - Did you really have to wade in with that? She said she is keeping this baby and whatever your feelings may be on abortion this is not the thread.

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn Sat 23-May-20 13:30:32

Err, she asked is she being unreasonable in aibu so I am entitled to say yes she is. I'm not anti abortion. Search my replies.

Kittykat93 Sat 23-May-20 13:31:57

Don't mean to sound harsh but what are your options really? Would you consider having a fourth abortion? If not then you just need to go with the flow and accept that this baby is coming and work out what you're going to do to address the issues you have.

Leobynature Sat 23-May-20 13:34:06

For the record I don’t keep having abortions, I had 3; probably all 8-10 years apart. It’s not the highlight of my life but it was better then bringing a child into this world who I couldn't support at the time. I am not planning on having an abortion this time . I feel anxious and panicky and that really wasn’t the point of my post.

Meadows20 Sat 23-May-20 13:34:12

OP is not saying she is getting an abortion - she's already said she is keeping the baby but is more providing context of that her feelings are reminiscent to when she had previously aborted.

From my understanding the AIBU is more around her anxieties when the pregnancy was planned...and even with planned pregnancies, you are still allowed to be scared and unsure if the right decision was made.

Rebelwithallthecause Sat 23-May-20 13:36:14

I was pregnant with out second at 33, (gave birth this week).
I had still a stone to lose from first baby but I didn’t put on much at all this time round and now 3 days post partum im already smaller than I was 9 months after having my first

We have a small house - 2 bed. It’s fine. They will share, perfect age gap to do so for a while at least.

I too was nervous when I found out. It happened a lot quicker than expected. But I’m so glad now.

Bells3032 Sat 23-May-20 13:36:20

Whilst some others may criticise you for not thimkjng about it before you started to ttc i am similar to you. I am the type that panics in order to process something. I know when I conceive I will also panic about all the things that aren't quite right.

My advice is just sit down and talk with your dp about how to combat the concerns, you'll feel much better soon it just the initial shock.

And congrats

Jasmineben Sat 23-May-20 13:37:36

YABU. There’s women on this site who have lost babies or have been TTC for years.
You’ve had 5 pregnancies- 3 you ended, 1 with your DD and now this one that you’re complaining about.
It’s a bit insensitive and you need to take responsibility and sort this all out. From your history it sounds like you are quite irresponsible with planning pregnancies and having unprotected sex then being shocked at the end result.

AllsortsofAwkward Sat 23-May-20 13:37:45

I dont see what Itsspitting* has said that was so bad she is right she actively trying and now shes pregnant shes not sure. I mean this kindly but you're mental health doesnt seem to be in the right place you're anxious do you suffer with anxiety?

Leobynature Sat 23-May-20 13:40:15

No I don’t want another abortion. I want to feel happy about my situation and listed the reasons I feel anxious. Some helpful replies have reassured me that it will be ok and how to cope with work etc. I guess practical advice about how to manage my anxiety would also be helpful.
I know IABU to feel like this as I had unprotected sex but I do feel anxious.
C’est Moi

Washyourhands48 Sat 23-May-20 13:40:42

I’m pro choice (had one abortion myself when I was in my teens) but three is ridiculous.

PiggyPokkyFool Sat 23-May-20 13:41:43

@ItsSpittingEverybodyIn - I felt this line was harsh to the OP.
You can't keep having abortions.
When she clearly stated:
I will continue with this as I ‘asked’ for it and I’m 37 next year so time is not on my side
and I didn't say you were anti-abortion. I said:
whatever your feelings may be on abortion this is not the thread
She is anxious and full of those 'oh God that happened quicker than I expected' feelings, combined with feeling really ill and I think the line is hard on her.
Her AIBU is about worries for her future.

LouMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 23-May-20 13:44:52

Hi there, @Leobynature - we're just bobbing in to let you know that we've disabled the voting on this discussion as you'd mentioned upthread that you hadn't intended on using it.

Also, if you'd like us to move the thread over to a different topic such as Pregnancy or Pregnancy Choices, do let us know. We'd be happy to sort that out for you.


Leobynature Sat 23-May-20 13:47:18

@Jasmineben I am sorry for those women, of course I am. This is a sight to offer women support. I am struggling both with pregnancy symptoms and anxiety. Why would I need to suffer in silence when there is a support system here.
I kinda wish I left the abortion history out, I added it as this anxiety is around pregnancy I believe and wanted to give all relevant information. I also add that I appropriately planned and had DD without anxieties or fears. So I can do this.

Justkeepswimmingdory Sat 23-May-20 13:49:03

I felt really panicked when I got pregnant the second time even tho it was planned. I would say it is a pretty normal emotion but in time I became excited and happy. It didnt mean I didnt want my child so I think some people are being really stupid here. Tell your other half, it may help lift the load if you share the news. If he is excited it might help you get excited

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