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To say no to this regarding contact during lockdown

(21 Posts)
knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Fri 22-May-20 12:31:13

Reposting this for traffic as could do with more opinions.

Good morning, just having a disagreement with ex and want to check what the majority opinion is. Need a little reassurance as I feel guilty over it. Ex wants contact with our 7 year old this weekend. Wants to send adult daughter to collect and drive to his house. I've said no. Happy for ex to come and get our child himself, but not happy with anyone else as it's a 3 hour journey so no social distancing possible. Adult daughter lives in separate house with 2 other adults.

This goes against lockdown guidelines doesn't it? I've been reading up online but can't find an official answer for this particular circumstance.

Minesacider Fri 22-May-20 12:34:13

Why can't he get her himself? Is he reliant on public transport?

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Fri 22-May-20 12:37:04

His car is broken. He has borrowed or rented cars in the past when needed. I have offered to help financially so he could rent a car. He could borrow his daughters car.

june2007 Fri 22-May-20 12:37:47

I wouldn,t like it, but depends on why adult daughter is coming? Could you offer to take child to avoid the situation.?

LemonyCupcake Fri 22-May-20 12:38:31

Not a big deal if the daughter is well

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Fri 22-May-20 12:40:34

I don't drive. I would have to take her on the train. Which I feel is riskier.

larrygrylls Fri 22-May-20 12:47:01

If you are not happy with the arrangement, take her yourself. That is always an option.

In an ideal world, households should not be mixing but this is not w random party or get together but facilitating parental contact.

So, let the adult daughter take her or take her yourself if you are genuinely worried. Don’t use your daughter as a pawn in your row!

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Fri 22-May-20 12:51:47

She's not being used in the row at all. I don't see either option as safe. I have tried to facilitate contact by paying for him to rent a car myself, therefore minimising any risk. I thought the restrictions were still in place for contact with family who are from separate households, which is why I assumed it wasn't safe.

Keepingthingsinteresting Fri 22-May-20 13:11:32

You’re right OP re separate houses

Jammydodger1981 Fri 22-May-20 13:11:34

It is against the rules OP, especially as there are other options available, including you offering to pay for a rented car. If she lived with him it would be different but this is mixing a third household into the contact which is unnecessary.

HollowTalk Fri 22-May-20 13:13:10

He could get on his daughter's insurance, couldn't he?

Sharkyfan Fri 22-May-20 13:15:54

I’d be fine with it personally - assuming the adult daughter is not working in really high risk job or anything.
If your child is in the back she will be looking at the back of the head of her aunt and prob be 1m away, so the aunt is probably more at risk from your daughter than other way round.

Sharkyfan Fri 22-May-20 13:16:26

It’s also pretty kind of the adult daughter!

coconutpie Fri 22-May-20 13:18:22

YANBU. Other daughter is part of a third household

NearlyGranny Fri 22-May-20 13:19:02

No. Just no. It's a breach of the guidance. He collects her himself, alone, or she doesn't go. End of. That's all you need to say.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Fri 22-May-20 13:42:05

His daughter didn't actually want to do it anyway she had been pressured by her Dad. She understands my point of view completely. She says she is going to try and put him on her insurance.

Unfortunately I have a feeling he will refuse to collect our child as he has history of some pretty severe sulking when he doesn't get his own way, including once not seeing our child for months because I couldn't get her home at the exact time he wanted to collect her. (As in he said he would be here for 3. I told him we'd be back from work/nursery at 4, so he refused to come at all)

From his point of view, if I don't agree immediately to his plans, I just don't want him to have her at all.

NearlyGranny Fri 22-May-20 20:01:25

He sounds a self-centred., immature fool - I can see why he's an ex. It's so unfair on your daughter, though there's nothing you can do to make him a better father, sadly.

june2007 Fri 22-May-20 22:18:58

Well if I can send my son to school or a child minders, and kids can go to nursery, I think it is reasonable to have half sister pick up half sister.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Fri 22-May-20 22:29:33

Where I live the schools are staying closed as it's not deemed safe yet. And at schools, nurseries and childminders, when they do open, children and staff will follow strict procedures regarding hygiene, and social distance. As I said earlier, this is impossible on a 3 hour car journey.

NearlyGranny Sat 23-May-20 10:33:36

Their relationship doesn't matter. They're not from the same household and the sister has not been isolating. Moreover, she doesn't want to do it! Her DF, OP's ex, clearly has form for bullying and coercing people around him into giving him his own way.

Schools are in no cases shutting one child and one non-household adult into a car-sized capsule and letting them breathe each other's exhalations for hours on end, either. Many have followed scientific advice and are planning or considering to wait another two weeks to open, halving the risk and allowing test, track and trace protolocols to establish.

And of course teachers will be using outside spaces as much as possible, and observing 2m distance between them and their pupils, though the youngest pupils will not always be socially distanced from each other, hence keeping them in small bubbles.

I doubt many will start on June 1st. A family member was told yesterday her bubble of up to 15 4 and 5yo will consist of just two children. Parents are saying no to the bleak classroom conditions with no soft objects or books.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes Sat 23-May-20 18:12:15

Yes you're right about the bullying, I didn't include in the beginning because my decision is based solely on the corona virus situation so it didn't matter. I only added the extra info when questions were asked.

As predicted, he has now stopped answering texts and phone calls and I can only assume he isn't going to bother seeing her.

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