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To give up on home learning

(4 Posts)
OnTheMoors Fri 22-May-20 11:44:09

Ds(13) doesn't do work without being told to. He makes multiple excuses. He clearly isn't interested. I have told him about exam results and types of jobs. We made an A3 size chart to show a long list of bills that need paying every month and the typical cost of running a car.
This morning he has clearly used a calculator for maths, despite knowing it's not allowed. I made him do a few simple questions again and he whined about that.
He rushes the work and has no patience at all. He can barely stay in his chair for a few minutes, dropping water bottle and pencil on floor, getting up and down constantly.
He has ADHD and I understand it's hard to stay focused. But he can focus on things he what's to, like playing games on his phone. Tried many medications and none have worked.
He's confrontational and bullying .
AIBU to take a step back ?
His form tutor rang me yesterday to say well done for the work he's been doing . Without me pushing, he would choose to do nothing ! he is in bottom sets for everything, he genuinely has learning issues but it's the attitude I cannot tolerate. He had a 4 hour rage on Saturday over a simple issue that he could not accept.
We make sure he has enough sleep, exercise, nutritious food and a calm place to work.
Every day is a struggle. It's Incredibly stressful. At February half term, he was sent home with some revision and did nothing. I got a phone call from school to chase up about that and felt like a bad parent.
If I let go, I will get more phone calls.
AIBU ?

Persiaclementine Fri 22-May-20 13:45:07

Can you speak to your school and request that his teacher talk to him about the importance of him keeping up with his work? Or even just let them know your struggling to get him engaged in his work maybe hey can help

Maryjane3227 Fri 22-May-20 14:27:26

He probably feels very low, lots of teens at my school are right now.
Might be good to get him to exercise first so he feels better, could you run together for 10 minutes or do a Les Mills workout on YouTube (they have ones for teens)?
Look at the tasks he has to do and first tackle the one he hates the most, but don't spend longer than 20 or 25 minutes at a time working and don't worry about finishing everything. Something is better than nothing. Regular, physical breaks will help him relax in between studying.
His ADHD is not an excuse for him bullying you. It sounds as if he is angry, perhaps because he feels powerless about achieving anything, and he is avoiding work rather than risking failure.
You could try sitting with him during one task, pretend you can't do it either, verbalise your frustration, and then maybe work through it with lots of statements that start with "we could try..", "lets just see if..", continue to try but get it wrong. You may find he points out the right answer to you. Or at the very least, he will see you coping with struggle.
One thing I would ask the school for is answers, model responses or break downs of tasks. Even just looking through one of these might help your son to attempt a similar task next time.
You are doing an amazing job. If it's any consolation, what you describe is what teachers deal with every day (not the 4 hour rage but but the rushing, fidgeting, avoiding, reluctance, resentment). There's no magic cure, but persistence and positivity can really pay off.
If he does threaten you, you need to contact the school who may be able to get you support through social services - this does not mean you have failed as a parent. It means you are trying to help your son survive, and also signalling to him thst your own mental health needs to be prioritised.
Good luck.

OnTheMoors Fri 22-May-20 16:42:23

Thanks . Spoken to school and it looks like he can attend part time after half term, all being well

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