DH, DSD and family time

[rosegoldivy]

Don’t want to drip feed so this may be quite long.

I am married and have DSD 11 and DD who is 10 months. Ive been in DSD life since she was 5 and we have a great relationship, I also have a great relationship with her mum (even if DH doesn’t) As a whole we all work very well and for a long time all have co-parented DSD with no issues. Pre our own DD , DSD used to stay 3 nights one week and 2 the next, although we were always flexible would have her more when she wanted or to help her mum out etc. I have always been involved with things like picking DSD up and school runs, not because its expected of me but because I want to. I genuinely enjoy being around her and we do activities just me and her too.

Since I started mat leave last June and been off work we’ve had an open door policy with DSD, happy to have her as long or as little as she’s wanted. I thought it was important to increase the time she spent here to bond with DD, luckily she took to being a big sister like a pro and had abso no issues with DD or feeling left out etc. Fast forward to now, DD thinks the sun shines out of DSD backside and DSD dotes on her. I love it.

DSD has been here for 2 weeks, she said she prefers it here than at her mums in lockdown as we have a garden and DD is here, fine with all of us, no-one has any problems with it. My Mat leave finished a few weeks ago and ive been WFH since and I’ve really appreciated DSD being here as she will happily entertain DD if DH is working and Im busy with work. my work is flexible and I’m never busy for more than a few hours which I can split over the full day. (so its not like I’m leaving DD with DSD for hours at a time – were all in the same room etc) then we will all go out walks, play in garden etc.

DH is a key worker but his shifts are sporadic so some weeks he’s working 6 days a week, others 3 days. Recently he’s been on early shifts and his job involves long stints of driving heavy goods vehicles, so I’ve been taking the brunt of the night time and getting up early with DD. No two ways about it DD is a fucking horrific sleeper, easily up 4 or 5 times every night then up for the day about 5am, But I’ve made my peace with the no sleep, I can cope with copious amounts of coffee. DH does pulls his weight, if hes on late shifts he will do all nights and early mornings with DD, or we’ll do a night about. Pre lockdown we would get some respite once a week when my mum or MIL would have DD overnight or during day for a few hours. Obviously now with lockdown this hasn’t been happening and I feel like im on day 4,345 with no proper sleep and I am absolutely fucked.

So with DH on early shift he’s home and will take over with DD and does bath time, story and bed. Once DD is down around 7, me DH and DSD will sit down have dinner by 8.30 / 9 I am fuckin done in and need my bed as I know il be up and down all night. Even when DH deals with DD, it still wakes me as I hear her so I’m always having really shitty broken sleeps. Recently DH has been moaning that me, him and DSD aren’t spending enough “family quality time” together at night after DD goes down as I’m always so tired and he thinks its rude that I just go to bed rather than watch a film or play board game with them like I used to etc He said its like I don’t want to spend time with DSD and would rather she go back to her mums. He said I cant possibly be that tired all the time. This obviously really hurt me as I have always been open and willing to have DSD here

I am honestly at the end of the line, I am SOOOOOO tired all the time, all day I am looking after DD, spending time and playing with both her and DSD, making lunch, cleaning, doing washings, and WFH and DH is swanning off to work, leisurely driving about without a care in the world, having lunch in peace, listening to his music. Arrgghh am just ranting now. ( DH does help with cleaning etc when hes here so its not about him not pulling his weight) he just doesn’t understand HOW FUCKING TIRED I AM…. ALL THE TIME. But hes now made me feel guilty that im not spending time as a family with DSD.

How do I get it through to him that I am just so soooooo fkn tired.

[TheSandgroper]

Google broken sleep and torture. It’s a common form of it.

And let him know it.

[rosegoldivy]

@TheSandgroper - oohhh I already know broken sleep is torture, if I read it am I going to depress the hell out of myself?

[Sn0tnose]

Ask him to take three days leave. During that time, you wake him up every time you get woken up. Over and over again until he gets it.

[LouiseTrees]

Take pictures of you and the girls during the day and send it to him. Show him you are spending time with DSD. Maybe a later bedtime for the little one and watching the film with the little one still up will help?

[RedskyAtnight]

It sounds like you have 1.5 hours/2 hours each night - is that not more than enough? If you're doing "jobs" during this time, then stop doing them?

[HopeYouStepOnALego]

Remind him - as calmly as you can -

• You have plenty of quality time with DSD during the day, as you're looking after HIS daughter full time at the moment whilst he works.
• You are getting no respite from looking after your DD due to lockdown and social distancing.
• You have had constant broken sleep (you wake even when he does night wakings) for weeks/months, and are up every day at 5am.

If that fails, ask him to take a week off so that he can take over looking after both DD and DSD from 5am every day and stay up late playing games. Make sure you prod him awake if you do night wakings so that he gets the full experience. Day times you take yourself off to bed with eye shade and ear plugs, or go for long leisurely walks out oft he house. See how long it is before he starts to buckle.

[alittlerespectgoesalongway]

Its sounds like he's being very insensitive and more than a bit of a prick about it TBH. Surely he can see that when you go to bed, you go to sleep? It's not like you're sitting in bed and reading for an hour or something?

Is there a way you can move rooms around or put a bed somewhere away from the noise so for the next month, whenever he's at home he deals with DD from 9pm until 7 am? Perhaps he needs less sleep with you and therefore should be pulling his weight more.

It's really normal to be knackered when you first go back to work and assuming he's all there, his not getting this is highly self involved.

[Frankola]

Sounds like a case of "I didnt see it so it didnt happen" when it comes to you spending time with DSD.

My husband has this blissful ignorance affliction. I just give him a dose of reality every so often

[rosegoldivy]

@RedskyAtnight yup, once wev had dinner DH and DSD will do dishes and il enjoy the wee 20 mins or so of doing nothing in peace - its bliss. then usually after that its about 8ish and im ready for my bed. but they usually want to watch a film or something, on the occasions I have tried I fall asleep on the couch.

@LouiseTrees weve tried a combination of trying to keep DD awake later, put her down earlier etc but shes just so moany and ready for bed at 7, shes just a wee nightmare at night lol shes the happiest wee baby during the day but turns into satan during the night lol

@HopeYouStepOnALego I feel like a broken record with these things, im just so done in. and when he does sleep hes a blissfully heavy sleeper and to add to my delight snores like fuck. Before lockdown we could cope as someone was always on hand to take DD when we needed it. I just feel like I am so miserable and tired and I know its just a phase and lockdown is a huge problem so I know it will pass but for now I am just so tired.

hes off all weekend and has said he will take the reins and I can chill and relax, but that's when I do want to spend time as a family doing stuff together. aww I feel im just a broken record.

on a brighter note SIL has texted to say her 5 month old DS has slept through the night every night for 2 weeks - she can fuck off too lol

off to make more coffee and plaster a smile on my face :)

[BluebellForest836]

Tell him to start looking after your DD every night if he wants to be an ass.

[rosegoldivy]

@Bluebell Forest836 I honestly cant wait till im allowed back in the office to work and he has to do this when he's off during the week. lol

[Owwlie]

Could it be that he would rather DSD went back to her moms so that of an evening he has that time to himself once you’re in bed? Tell him it’s good for him and DSD to spend some quality time together considering you spend a lot of time with her.

[rosegoldivy]

@owwlie im not sure hes never openly said about DSD going back to her mums. I think she might go home next week for a few days to spend some time with her mum so we'l see if that makes a difference. I honestly don't know why hes making a big fuss of "family" as when I do go to bed they enjoy sitting playing xbox together and spend time together that way. the xbox doesn't go on until I go to bed as I cant stand sitting watching them play it

[Chamomileteaplease]

hes off all weekend and has said he will take the reins and I can chill and relax, but that's when I do want to spend time as a family doing stuff together. aww I feel im just a broken record

For heaven's sake, don't be a martyr. Forsake this magical family time and take the weekend! Let him do all night wakings. Let him do all the things that you normally do when he's at work. Spend as much time as you can, sleeping, reading, anything relaxing. To recharge.

Could you sleep in another room so that you aren't so disturbed when he gets up?

How can the man be so stupid? It's not rocket science! You are up 4-5 times a night with a baby = you are tired. FFS.

Tell him it's just temporary.
Tell him it's good for him to have one to one time with his daughter.
Tell him you spend all day with her, she's not missing out on anything.

Tell him to eff off

[HopeYouStepOnALego]

on a brighter note SIL has texted to say her 5 month old DS has slept through the night every night for 2 weeks - she can fuck off too lol

There's nothing worse, is there! Bide your time though. Her DS will go through a phase of sleep regression at some point and you can smile to yourself.

[rosegoldivy]

@Chamomileteaplease do you know what, you are so right. fuck being a martyr and family time can do one. I need some ME time.

Were in a 3 bedroom, so no spare beds unless DSD is at her mums. when she is we do use her bed when we need to so one of us can sleep as her room is furthest away from DD and her banshee wail isn't quite as loud in there.

I feel better just for ranting it all out. DH is on his way home and has a large tim hortons coffee and cake and I am going to fuck off and have it in peace.

[RandomMess]

Can you sleep downstairs over the weekend so you can't hear DD so easily? Or put DD in with DH and sleep in her room??

Or quality time with DSD and have a sleepover in her room with ear plugs in?

I would watch a film together and let yourself fall asleep!

[Chamomileteaplease]

fantastic! Enjoy your fucking off into your peace

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

You need to sleep train. Life doesn’t have to be like this especially at 10 months. Honestly you don’t need to do cry it out there are many no tears and gentle approaches but you need to do something.

[rosegoldivy]

@washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal haha awww believe me we are trying. We've tried everything and had pricey discussions with a sleep guru and everything.

Trust me, anything anyone has ever suggested we have tried and will keep trying. 😊

[LouHotel]

OP if you have a 3 bedroom can you move the cot back into your room and then put a pull out/mattress in the spare so you can then take shifts throughout the night or alternate nights considering he drives for a living. Some babies just don't sleep through.

I would honestly say you need to take a day this weekend to just completely sleep, your body is crying out for it.

My now 14 months slept through every night until she was 9 months and now its 4 times a night as shes a late teether and there all coming through, ive gone from being the secret smug mum to absolutely on my knees with tiredness.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Just keep repeating "I'm pulling my weight all day. I won't be made to feel guilty for going to sleep early. Lord knows I need it"

Just go broken record on his arse.

[FinallyHere]

He said I cant possibly be that tired all the time.

He is being VVVU I hope that this isn't a sign of things to come.