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To not know how to support this!?

(16 Posts)
sickntired1 Thu 21-May-20 18:59:18

I don't know where else to post...I need perspective. (And maybe there is a more suitable board for this?) It's a long complicated story but if you live with someone who has depression, how do you know how to draw the line? Where is it that you stop being supportive and are only enabling them as such?? I know it's not always so black and white but where is the cut off? Is there a difference!?

sickntired1 Thu 21-May-20 19:18:59


Marsalimay Thu 21-May-20 19:25:10

Can you say a bit more? flowers

sickntired1 Thu 21-May-20 19:28:51

It's just too long to get into but ultimately someone I live with is going through a really rough time and now has depression... I feel like I am trying to be supportive but I'm finding it hard. But I obviously have my own things to do/get on with/ and also dealing with the situation as it effects me too. This person is taking to the bed...passing any responsibilities on to me and I'm trying to find the line between what is acceptable and what is not? I know I'm very evasive but I just can't get too personal on here...sad

BarbedBloom Thu 21-May-20 19:31:20

For me it was when he wouldn't engage with help. It was like living with a dementor, he found no happiness in anything and wouldn't allow me to be happy either. He wouldn't leave the house but didn't want me going out either. It started to feel controlling and was also badly affecting my own mental health.

I held out for a long time, trying to get him help but he wouldn't take medication or try therapy and just wanted to sit in a dark room all the time. I gave an ultimatum and then I left. He lives with his mum now from what I have heard and she has also had enough. It is very sad but I couldn't live like that anymore

Marsalimay Thu 21-May-20 19:37:24

I think it depends on the relationship, your situation and their situation.

How does their behaviour impact on you?

sickntired1 Thu 21-May-20 19:38:04

It's not my dh sadthat makes it harder I think

sickntired1 Thu 21-May-20 19:45:43

It's my mum, how does it impact on me?? It frustrates me that I am trying to get on with things but I feel like I'm being dragged down by her.

Marsalimay Thu 21-May-20 19:52:46

How come you’re living together?

RogerBannister Thu 21-May-20 19:52:56


sickntired1 Thu 21-May-20 19:54:49

It's temporary! I will more than likely be gone in 2-3 months.

sickntired1 Thu 21-May-20 19:55:18

@RogerBannister ???

Marsalimay Thu 21-May-20 19:59:56

So you’ve moved in with your mum? And her depression is dragging you down?
Can you describe a specific Example? (I’m not doubting you, it’s just that you don’t give much to go on).

Windyatthebeach Thu 21-May-20 20:13:24

My exh had depression. He crossed the line between his medical diagnosis and Twatism.
Only you can decide if your mh is suffering at the expense of trying to support your dm. Unless you are a trained professional in mh yanbu to back away.
This isn't a reflection on your love for her or you being a good /bad dd. Self preservation is vital imo.

bridgetreilly Thu 21-May-20 20:41:54

It's not 'enabling'. She doesn't have an addiction or a bad habit. She's ill.

You don't have to be dragged down by her. You don't have to be her therapist or her sounding board. You can get on with just doing what needs to be done in the house, doing your job, and so on. You should certainly encourage her to seek medical help, though nagging about it won't help.

But also, you could care for her, as you might if she had a physical illness. When I was at my most depressed I was utterly unable to make any choices: about what to eat, or what to wear, or when to get up, or anything. So it might be a great kindness to your mother to put food in front of her three times a day, so that all she has to do is eat it. Tell her when she needs to wash or dress, or whatever. Don't expect to cure her, that's not how it works. But you can still love her and care for her, because that's what she needs.

bridgetreilly Thu 21-May-20 20:43:22

Oh, and you definitely don't need to let her dictate your behaviour. If she chooses to stay in bed all day, that's up to her. But you can still go out (observing the current rules), get on with things, live your life.

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