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Third trimester and step child contact

(30 Posts)
Lauren15691 Thu 21-May-20 18:12:27


I'm 28 weeks pregnant, havent been out the house at all in 9 weeks due to being placed in the high risk category. I am working from home until my mat leave. My partner has a daughter who lives with her mum and step dad and siblings, one parent is a key worker in a public facing role. My step daughter usually stays a couple of times a week but for the last 9 weeks she hasnt been for obvious reasons, this was advice from the midwife. I'm feeling incredibly guilty and although my partner has been seeing her from the bottom of her garden, it's awful that she cant come and stay.

My issue is that as lockdown is being lifted bit by bit, they havent really issued any further guidance about pregnant people and whether the lifting of restrictions also applies to us. I am so anxious about putting my baby at risk that I am quite clear in my head that this is a sacrifice that needs to be made to make sure no harm comes to the baby. We TTC(trying to conceive)for 3 years and cant bare the thought of passing on a virus and harming her in any way.

I suppose this is just to ask for general views in the absence of proper government guidance. My midwife and consultant have both said not to risk it at present but at what point would you feel comfortable allowing her to come to the house? This is purely just me asking for opinions of what you would do because I feel extremely unreasonable and feel like it's all my fault, but feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I have posted this in the pregnancy forum but also posting here for traffic.


SuperMumTum Thu 21-May-20 18:28:27

Are you just shielding because you're pregnant or are you high risk for other reasons? I think if you are otherwise healthy the risk to you and the baby is absolutely tiny.

TidyDancer Thu 21-May-20 18:32:41

Agree with @SuperMumTum. Is there a reason other than pregnancy that puts your in that category?

SuperMumTum Thu 21-May-20 18:33:48

That said I would follow the advice of my midwife and consultant if I was unsure.

sparepantsandtoothbrush Thu 21-May-20 18:34:48

How old is your partner's daughter?

StatisticalSense Thu 21-May-20 18:35:58

I assume your midwife hates her ex husband with that advice. The rules have included children moving between their parents all along and it is cruel to suddenly stop a child from seeing their Dad for an extended period. If you don't want to see your step daughter find somewhere else to stay so she can see her Dad.

Sirzy Thu 21-May-20 18:38:05

I am amazed the midwife suggested not seeing a child from the family to be honest!

The poor thing is at serious risk of feeling pushed out.

Lauren15691 Thu 21-May-20 18:42:17

@staticalsense what an absolutely ridiculous response! Firstly, obviously I want to see her but if you read my post you'll see that we are both acting on advice of healthcare professionals. Secondly why on earth should I leave my own house that I pay a mortgage on? Where exactly am I expected to go??

Partners daughter is 11 and I absolutely love her to bits I might add, this isnt an evil step mum scenario, I'm dying to see her! So far I'm acting on advice but I'm just wondering when people would think we can start relaxing some of the things that are in place because healthcare professionals are equally as stumped in light of the unclear government guidance

LBOCS2 Thu 21-May-20 18:46:09

My stepson is moving between our house and his mum's every few weeks. She has a newborn (less than a month old). We're socially distancing, so are they. I personally don't think it's reasonable on your partner or his child to expect them not to see each other for this period.

moveandmove Thu 21-May-20 18:46:57

What makes you vulnerable? Do you have health conditions or is it just the pregnancy?

ZsaZsaMc Thu 21-May-20 18:50:45

I’m pregnant and will (if possible) be sending my DC back to nursery when it opens - I’m 19 weeks. However depending on the circumstances I would think about taking DC out from 37/38 weeks.

I think it’s unreasonable to not let your SC come to stay but maybe in 10 weeks reconsider and have a stricter period of isolation then.

Lauren15691 Thu 21-May-20 18:51:03

It's just the pregnancy but because theyve put us in the high risk category and theres a key worker in her house weve been advised not to! Again.. this isnt me who's been the one to say she cant come, I miss her like mad, we face time nearly every day! My partner is 100% in agreement and so is her mother! I'm literally coming on a forum to ask for advice on when people think I can consider it "safe" - I was hoping instead of judgemental answers I could have had some practical advice about what others would do? Or are people simply suggesting I should have ignored an nhs consultant ??

Eggybreadleg Thu 21-May-20 18:53:44

You don't need Mumsnet. You need the consultant to tell you his opinion. Personally I would keep on shielding until you give birth.

Winterwoollies Thu 21-May-20 18:54:11

My midwife advises isolating, too. We haven’t had any guests, I haven’t been in any shops or anything and she advised if anyone in my family needed to mix households, then we should act as though I needed to shield and love almost separately.

It’s really shit but you’ve done the right thing and just followed the advice. The RCOG hasn’t yet relaxed the guidelines surround pregnancy, especially in the third trimester. The problem is is that they really still don’t understand how this affects people.

Winterwoollies Thu 21-May-20 18:54:47


JanewaysBun Thu 21-May-20 19:00:38

You need to follow the advice of medical professionals.

Lauren15691 Thu 21-May-20 19:02:20

You're totally right @Eggybreadleg its just when I rang them last week to ask if there had been any change they couldnt give me an answer about new guidelines for pregnant people and whether we were allowed to be more lenient as well or whether that didnt relate to us. I know nooone here can offer an expert opinion I suppose I'm just feeling very useless in the situation and I'm desperately searching for a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks @winterwoollies ..I'm the same. It's the first grandchild for my parents and None of them have had the chance to see my bump grow or feel her kick. I've followed the guidance so far to a T but it's so difficult. Congrats on your pregnancy x

funinthesun19 Thu 21-May-20 19:09:12

If you don't want to see your step daughter find somewhere else to stay so she can see her Dad.

OR the dad can see his child elsewhere.

Ilovecats23 Thu 21-May-20 19:09:45

It’s really odd they’ve said you can’t see your step daughter. I’m also 28 weeks pregnant, with high blood pressure, and while we have to be extra cautious and have been advised to isolate as much as possible, we’re definitely not expected to fully shield. We are still able to go out and if I had any step children I would still be seeing them! The advice seems to be different depending on area!

icansmellburningleaves Thu 21-May-20 19:18:52

Not sure why you’re asking mumsnet if your consultant and midwife have told you not to have contact. Why on earth wouldn’t you just follow the advice of the professionals.

Winterwoollies Thu 21-May-20 19:18:56

And to you @Lauren15691 We sure inadvertently picked a strange time to have babies!

I was also chatting to my midwife about post birth and she said to give it two weeks post birth, just in case you or anyone has picked anything up in hospital. After that, socially-distanced cups of teas in gardens so they can at least see the baby, should be fine. If that helps.

Lauren15691 Thu 21-May-20 19:32:59

@icansmellburningleaves I am following the advice very strictly as previously mentioned but as it's becoming less and less clear what we should be doing - and apparently varied between areas - I'm just wondering what other people would do in my situation as time progresses if there is no certainty. I feel like the consultant will always go with worst case scenario just to be safe but I'm worried incase that means she cant come until August.

@Ilovecats23 its utterly bizarre and I suppose that's why I'm posting, I just have no clarity. I'm just trying to do what's best but I dont know what to actually do for the best! I'll be continuing to shield for the foreseeable but I really hope theres some good news soon

@funinthesun19 haha, a Much more appropriate and well thought out response - thanks grin he has been seeing her regularly but socially distanced in the garden. I just miss her badly too and would love to have her here.

And @winterwoollies I've heard that from a friend too. What sad times for Us. Thanks so much for your response and the best of luck to you x

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup Thu 21-May-20 20:01:02

OP follow your consultant's advice.

Also ask the consultant how soon SD can see her half-sibling when they are born.

Waveysnail Thu 21-May-20 20:07:10

Is your husband staying at home all the time then?

Nubbin Thu 21-May-20 20:07:08

I'm 32 weeks pregnant - my husband is a key worker (police) and out and about every day. We've had no such advice from the consultant or the midwives - friends of ours (doctors) are working through 1st and 2nd trimester not even at home. Why is a consultant involved if the pregnancy isn't high risk?

Seems odd and against all the advice out there which mainly just refers to 3rd trimester.

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