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Funerals and covid

(19 Posts)
thatsmycake Thu 21-May-20 17:00:27

Today I said goodbye to my grandpa

My dp isn't supportive one bit and spent all morning arguing with me
So long story short
I come home he doesn't even ask if I'm okay how did it go or anything just moaned Iv been out lon enough and the floor isn't clean ( I have white hi loss tiles and 1 baby 2 toddlers 1 teenager and 2 dogs) impossible for it to stay clean unless my house is empty....
but my grandmama has asked for the imidiate family to go round after tea and have some hotpot and raise a glass...
I know with social distancing etc it's very hard but the close family and I mean immediate has pretty much all mixed anyway due to one reason or another with having to help with hospital appointments etc
He said I can't take the kids (wasn't going to anyway I just said could they go in the garden for 10 mins cheer my grandma up) then says I'm being selfish for wanting to go and who's having the kids if I did
He's going away on Monday for a week fishing and then 2 weeks in November for cosmetic surgery. I'm left with the kids then and not one complaint of me!
So Iv rang my mum crying and explaining I can't go as it isn't suitable for me or the kids to do so, she gets this fully but now I feel like such a fuck up ringing her and giving her my problems when she's just buried her dad. Like I'm such a selfish twat of a daughter aren't I? Why can't I just be their for her and focus on her for a change ? Iv tried all day but just got so low and lost my shit when I had to tell her I couldn't go. My family don't like my DP as this is just him daily he isn't a very nice guy and Ino you'll all say leave but if I could I would, Iv tried I'm just not financially able to atm and iv 3 youngsters and 1 is seriously ill

Sorry for my rant just needed to let off some steam as I'm about to explode and feel like a doormat wrote dickhead atm 🙃

makingmammaries Thu 21-May-20 18:04:45

Your partner sounds really horrible. I am sorry for your loss.

Aragog Thu 21-May-20 18:08:57

Where is your dp staying for his fishing trip? If in England you can't stay away from home.

Why is it a different rule for you and him regarding 'breaking the rules.'

Mushypeasandchipstogo Thu 21-May-20 18:11:38

Your partner is absolutely vile, chauvinistic and controlling. Please make your own decisions as to whether you take your kids to your grandmother’s house or not. You should consider why you are with him.

thatsmycake Fri 22-May-20 00:43:06

@makingmammaries @Aragog @Mushypeasandchipstogo
Thanks for your replies - Yes he's in England and they've opened fisheries and golf courses so he's within the government guidelines to go...
Probably because I'm laid back and he isn't
I'm not able to leave as I'm now out of work due to having a 3 month old and 2 toddlers one whom is disabled so I care for them full time. I had to leave my profession to become a Carer - I'm only early 20s- their is only a 6 year age gap between me and my oldest SC who I take full time care of aswel as another of his children and the other 2 when they come around
But
Basically he has full control of the financial situation so I'm not in a predicament financially to go I can barely afford to buy myself underwear atm. I'm trying my god damn hardest to set up a small "business" to earn myself some extra money as I hate not having an income to my own bank account and to put to the side but he won't let me go onto social media and other things to advertise as I cannot be trusted so it isn't going anywhere! I'd love to win the lottery tomorrow and he could literally eat the dust of my shoes because id be gone with my baby's and we could actually be happy but for now. He knows he has me in the best position possible where he's able to manipulate me and be in control....
i think he has very bad depression as one min he's ontop of the world doing extremely impulse things- bought a business just after Xmas- bought me a car last month (I cannot drive) bought a mini gym for the garden the list is endless but hes the best guy ever and we can joke around when he's on a high but then the next he's one awful nasty man on the verge of mass destruction and their is no talking to him he just rages and some things he says cannot be unsaid...
I just give up iv to much shit to deal with aswel as what he throws at me. I just switch off usually as I'm used to it but today has really hurt me

Aragog Fri 22-May-20 09:23:27

It was the staying away from home but I was querying as I thought the guidelines said that you could go and do the activities, but not stay over at somewhere that wasn't your normal home.

Aragog Fri 22-May-20 09:25:22

I'm so sorry. Your partner is unreasonable and controlling. Do you have trusted family you can confide in? Or who could help you make the break, even if financially very hard?

Maybe use the week he is away to get paperwork in order just in case.

zscaler Fri 22-May-20 09:29:45

You are not a horrible daughter or a bar person. You are married to a horrible, selfish, bullying, prick of a man.

Maybe you can’t leave right now, but please start making a plan about how you will one day. Speak to your mum about it in a couple of weeks when the grief isn’t quite so fresh and see if she can offer you any support. You have to get out of this toxic relationship for the sake of your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of your kids.

Mushypeasandchipstogo Fri 22-May-20 09:32:37

@Aragog has the right idea. You must get far away from this man. Do you have family/ friends nearby? Expecting you to have FT care of his stepchildren is so unreasonable.

EmeraldShamrock Fri 22-May-20 09:38:16

I'm sorry for your loss. You've a choice to go don't let him do this. Walk out he'll mind the DC.
Afterwards and I rarely say this make plans to LTB he is a selfish arsehole he won't change he'll continue to strip you of your dignity and pride.
What kind of man treats his partner like this. He would be locked out after his fishing trip. My ex done this all the time thankfully we didn't have DC he was so spiteful not a nice person.
Go support your grandmother. flowers

Yesmate Fri 22-May-20 09:42:37

He can go fishing but staying anywhere overnight is still prohibited. Also communal toilets are shut so it won’t be a very peasant week!
He sounds like a massive arsehole and you shouldn’t have to live like this.
Make a plan and start getting things in place and leave him. Life’s too short.
I’m sorry about your Grandad

bluestarsatnightfall Fri 22-May-20 09:43:31

You are in a controlling relationship!

Merryoldgoat Fri 22-May-20 09:45:53

Your partner is abusive.

You need a plan to get away from him now. Everything about your life will be better without him.

serene12 Fri 22-May-20 09:49:41

What a terrible situation for yourself and your children. You can get support and advice from Women’s Aid, as your partner is abusive. He is abusing you financially and emotionally, you should have plenty of evidence of the financial abuse i.e. bank statements etc.
Next week, you have plenty of opportunity to get your ‘ducks in a row’ and to get support from Women’s Aid, family and friends.
Yourself and your children deserve a better life, so I hope that you can find the courage to reach out

Hysteriawhenyourenear Fri 22-May-20 09:53:39

I am sorry to hear you are in such a bad situation.
Are you sure he is going fishing? Normally the people who are the most suspicious are the ones who have the most to hide.
Please take care, contact womans aid or confide in your family

LouiseTrees Fri 22-May-20 10:00:28

Sell the car. I bet your family would take you in. He sounds horrible, you don’t.

beebeeduck Fri 22-May-20 10:02:34

Why are you still in a relationship with him? I'd start getting stuff organised to split up if I were you.

ChipotleBlessing Fri 22-May-20 10:07:07

Would one of your family take you in? You’d be better off staying with them and on benefits than staying in this abusive relationship.

thatsmycake Fri 22-May-20 16:44:00

@Hysteriawhenyourenear yea he's definitely going fishing I had to book it for him and his brother in law to go, I'm just going to bide my time and apply for a council house and then once I get one I'll move into my parents house and save with the children whilst I get it ready I suppose.
I have to get a plan together whilst he's away !
Thanks everyone but I didn't go my grandmas either wasn't worth the hassle. But surprisingly enough he was lovely with me once I said I wouldn't go. Dickhead!!!!!!

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