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‘Sten-do’ to plan a separate ‘hen’ do.

(22 Posts)
Stanzasranza Thu 21-May-20 16:09:40

My best friend is getting married next year and during lockdown down they’ve got engaged and I’ve been asked to be maid of honour.

We’ve known each since tots and went through all of school together. Typical friendship of all first together and spend the major of our teens throwing parties between our houses drinking bizarre ‘cocktails’ of stolen parents booze which lasted through uni holidays until she met her other half and I moved away a few years ago.

She met her other half at her niche hobby (she had loads growing up - between us we knew half of the city we grew up in) and she is still fairly social when she can get away from her other half. She’s a bubbly friendly social thing who gets on with anyone she meets she’s got a large family/colleagues/school friends/uni friends/close old house mates etc etc.

Her DP was her first partner and she fell madly in love but DP is very clingy. I honestly haven’t seen her just the two of us for maybe two years as every time I invite her over DP comes trailing behind. At first it was because DP didn’t know anyone in the area and saw me then as a ‘mutual’ friend.

Anyway, that’s the backstory. I’m now planning the ‘sten’ do - which is now joint (she doesn’t really want this but going along to keep DP happy) as they have a lot of mutual friends. But she has loads and as I say DP is very clingy so she won’t be able to put her hair down - I’m not talking doing drugs but dancing away at 4am to spice girls.

Do I go along with mutual ‘sten’ do and plan a separate ‘surprise’ hen do or do I put my foot down and demand a separate hen do or do I just do what they ‘want’. I can imagine as ‘DP’ doesn’t have many friends that’s why they’re doing a joint party - knowing what DP is like I’ll probably be in the dog house the next 5 years.

OP’s posts: |
AllsortsofAwkward Thu 21-May-20 16:11:09

Ask her what she wants

Sparklesocks Thu 21-May-20 16:12:05

Has she ever spoken about what she’d like to do for a her hen?

inwood Thu 21-May-20 16:12:11

Sounds like he's suffocating her.

TheThingWithFeathers Thu 21-May-20 16:13:50

Definitely plan a surprise separate hen do! He sounds like a nightmare. I would get so pissed off if I could never meet a friend just the two of us.

TokyoSushi Thu 21-May-20 16:14:17

That's tricky, and a bit weird. Do you think the DP genuinely is a bit sad/no friends/not social type? Or do you think he's weirdly controlling?

If you think she'd like her own hen party then I'd go ahead and arrange the surprise one, but it does all sound bit odd.

ProseccoBubbleFantasies Thu 21-May-20 16:14:35

Can you do both?

A joint party but maybe an afternoon tea the day after, just for "the girls"?
(And tip everyone the wink that it might go on later into the evening)

Presumably she is happy to be marrying this man, and if so, and they've a joint do, then that's what you should organize. Sorry, prob not what you want to hear

KatnissK Thu 21-May-20 16:23:19

I'd plan a surprise - can you get anyone on board to plan a surprise for her DP at the same time so he doesn't feel left out/get pissy? Even if it's just a couple of drinks at the pub? Also petition to change the joint shindig to Hag do!

Stanzasranza Thu 21-May-20 16:29:17

She’s hinted before at the idea of her DP wanting a joint party but it’s up to me and now (I guess DP is floating around in the house) it’s a Joint thing.

She really outgoing and he isn’t (a bloody grouch if you ask me you could pay me to spend a day Just us two).

They’ve been together for quite a few years and if they have a bbq/gathering/party is always her friends (he maybe has one and a couple of close family members but I’ve never met them). He’s gained a few through their mutual hobbies but they’re probably her friends more than his.

I could easily invite 15 of her close friends and I know what’s going to happen - it will get to 11 and he’ll be tired and put pressure on her to leave too.

OP’s posts: |
Bluetrews25 Thu 21-May-20 16:44:36

This does not sound like a great relationship. It sounds like 2 people who have known each other a long time but have not realised they are incompatible yet.
I'd be a bit worried, TBH.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains Thu 21-May-20 16:44:40

Ugh, I always find it so weird when people have joint stag and hen dos, or always have to tag along, can't they just do their own thing for one night?!

Ladyratterley Thu 21-May-20 16:49:54

I agree with Lemonade joint stag/hens are a bit weird. I've only heard of them happening when one of the couple don't really have any friends, which seems like it's the case here.
I'd plan a separate surprise hen. And maybe delicately ask her if she's sure she should be marrying him!

Teatowel1 Thu 21-May-20 17:05:07

Urgh he sounds awful!
Sorry, not helpful

FizzyGreenWater Thu 21-May-20 17:07:34

Well, how honest can you be here?

Because if you can say what you've said here, and she knows you're saying it out of love, maybe it will make her have a rethink.

He sounds controlling.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese Thu 21-May-20 17:17:28

Beyond this sounding very suffocating for her, a joint do can be fun dh and I did it, but that was because we had a boy vs girls challenge activity day (think inflatable obstical course, go-kart racing etc) followed by a group dinner then we seperated after dinner with our own friends.

Could you suggest something like that to them? That way they've got the joint day and then it just looks like men and women are seperating but it means she has her hen do.

BarbedBloom Thu 21-May-20 17:27:43

We didn't have a hen or stag do as neither of us were bothered but it would have been joint if we had as two of my closest friends are men.

However, ask her what she wants. It is all very well saying do it anyway but then if she gets grief from him, she may well turn on you and say she asked for a joint thing only. Not great if he is stopping her from doing what she wants but it is up to her to draw her line in the sand

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Thu 21-May-20 17:30:39

I think the best thing you could do would be to drop hints that she joins Mumsnet. Sounds like she could do with getting some advice on the Relationships Board.

Chachang Thu 21-May-20 17:33:32

He probably wants a joint do as he doesn't trust her, if you plan a surprise I am sure he will guilt her into coming home. I think that's the bigger issue here without being dramatic, you say she doesn't really want a joint one but is going along with it to keep him happy. I know there's a degree of meeting in the middle in relationships, but eurgh.

doughnutmuffin Thu 21-May-20 19:31:10

Would you be in a position to organise a 'sten' do then go to the partner and say you want to organise a really girly surprise hen do for her and ask him be involved in the cover story? That way he can't say not or it will just show that he is actually really controlling

KylieKoKo Thu 21-May-20 19:37:29


Dishwashersaurous Thu 21-May-20 20:09:31

Ignore the hen do sidetrack

You need to properly talk to her about if this is what she really wants. Getting married is for forever- life.

Is she really convinced that he is her soulmate

pinkyredrose Sat 23-May-20 11:10:32

Why the hell is she marrying him, he sounds a right miserable suffocating tosser.

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