AIBU to not want my dd to be a "popular" as such??(59 Posts)
So basically my dd is 12, one of the youngest in her year but still fairly tall, pretty, and she is on the dance teams at her school. Unfortunately being on the dance team means that the majority of the slightly bitchy popular girls are all spending about 2 or so hours a week with her after school(dance rehersals) she is hanging out with one group of friends who she gets along really well with(they are not in dance) but I think there has been some sort of minor argument which is causing some rifts and some of the girls are sort of taking sides (its a group of 6) and because she doesn't want to be involved with that she has been eating lunch with the girls on the dance team who have apparently taken a shine to her. I know that is lovely and all but I know they will just drop her and then make us some mean rumour and gossip about her a few weeks later. I really dont want my dd to be involved in this group for other reasons, e.g. they are always having some sort on drama or in the head of pastoral's office. I know what i have said so far seems reasonable, but I just have a worry in the back of my mind that I only want her to not be with the "populars" is because I was not very well liked outside of my small group in high school, please tell me what you think????
btw this is advice for when they go back to school (this all started happening a few weeks before homeschooling)
Here's some advice; don't get involved, just be there for her if/when it all goes wrong.
I think you need to allow your daughter to find her own friends and make her own boundaries. Of course you should be talking to her about what friendship really is, the evils of bullying, how to recognise toxic relationships, etc, but aside from that she needs to learn to manage her own social life. Obviously, if there is ever a serious issue, you may need to get involved and seek help, but if her friendships are progressing normally, just let her get on with it.
I think you need to let her be friends with who she wants to be friends with but keep instilling in her the values that you think are important e.g being kind to others, to counteract the influences you are concerned about and make sure she knows she can come to you if she has any worries. If she feels you don’t like her friends she will be more tempted to not discuss things like this with you.
How do you know so much about the dance girls?
You sound a bit nuts.
12yo girls will always have “drama”, there they’re popular or not. Unless you want her to have zero friends for the rest of her teen years, that’s not exactly something you can shield her from.
My own teen has flittered between the “popular” and “not so popular” groups over the years. They both have their dramas and bitchiness. Seriously it’s like a trademark of teen girls.
Stay out of it.
I agree with a PP, you need to just not get involved at all. These things are like a bit of a rite of passage for most kids, popularity and bitchiness comes and goes, they all grow up and most of them grow out of it. It really doesn’t matter
I'd keep well out of it.
When they go back to school eventually the dynamics will have changed and tbh all bets are off as to which group your DD will gravitate towards or be pulled towards.
As long as DD is kind to others, happy and doesn't get up to too much mischief then I'd trust her judgement.
The hardest part of parenting is learning to relinquish control over your child's life, and this transition is beginning with your daughter. It's hard, but you need to get used to it.
Popular are they....
They're 12. You're over-invested.
She's twelve! You can't decide who she should be friends with. It's quite normal to make new friends at this age as they outgrow their friendships.
I think it's good that she has these two groups that she can be friends with. It's important to have lots of people in your life so that If something does wrong, which it has in the first group, your whole life doesn't implode.
I'm not sure you'd like it if another parent referred to your 12 year old daughter as 'bitchy'.
You sound like you're projecting your own poor experiences onto your daughter and these girls.
This all sounds horribly judgemental towards a group of 12 year old children...”bitchy” “drama”, “a popular”. Stop labelling your daughter’s friends and take a step back. Part of growing up is learning to negotiate friendships and disagreements. Part of being a parent is letting go of the reins! You shouldn’t be telling your daughter who she can and can’t be friends with unless she’s being put in some sort of danger (ie drugs, sexual abuse). Lots of 12 year olds squabble, whether they are popular or not.
You don't know that at all. Let her figure it out and be there to support. "Popular" girls and boys can be just plain nice as well.
We moved 2 years ago and my dd went along to the local dance school. One of the popular ones absolutely bent over backwards to help her learn what she needed. She is 2 years older. My daughter went to senior school recently and there is miss popular, welcoming her to the school and helping her and her friends out.
Unlike other posters, I dont think you are nuts!! I can see that you are concerned for your daughter. It's hard, we cant chose their friends for them, they have to find their own way, but you can talk to her and guide her, without seeming overbearing. Its definitely a worry when you might think your daughter is getting friendly with children who seem to be having a lot of issues. OP, if she has told you the girls have dramas and are in and out of the heads office, sounds like she knows that's not desirable...otherwise she wouldnt be telling you, so her heads in the right place.
I think you need to let your daughter make up her own mind, it is her choice who to be friends with. Unfortunately I don’t think it matters which group she is friends with, this is the behaviour of a lot teenage girls, and it’s unlikely she will avoid it through her teenage years. I myself remember even amongst my group of friends there were moments of bitchiness and disagreement. We are still good friends today though (I’m in my 30’s now).
Let her learn her own life lessons.
a bit more info
the 3 girls i am wary of all went to her old school and are known by all the old school mums for a bullying fiasco at the end of year 6 that i cannot bear to go into, my dd was not involved but one of her best friends was and she ended up moving to another school. These girls have been my dd's "friends" in the past but last year she ate with them for about a week and almost every night she came home looking upset or really down in the dumps.
Also i would NEVER tell my dd who to be friends with i was simply asking whether or not AIBU to wish she would just not get involved with them
Life is not like a high school musical film. Step back, let your daughter find her way through different friendships and relationships. It's a skill she'll have to learn, stop projecting your own school experience onto her.
My daughters (almost 15 and 12) have lots of different groups of friends. They're also <whisper> popular and smart and funny and sarky and sporty and all the different things kids can be at the same time. I think at this age kids can handle friendship groups with a deft diplomacy that would leave a lot of adults floundering.
Yes YABU. From my experience it's best just to let your DD find her own feet in relationships/friendships etc. In my experience unwanted involvement from parents on friendship issues tends to knock children's confidence
Also, if they are bitchy OP - it's likely that your DD will see through it anyway and not engage
thankyou all for putting my head on straight
I need to stop and just let her be, shes a smart girl and she'll figure this out herself. I just need to stop worrying
but I know i wont
I hear you op, it's so hard not to get involved. My dd switched from the drama group a few months ago to the nice sensible grounded girls and I breathed a sigh of relief.
You sound very judgey and maybe projecting your own school day issues onto your DD? Just because she’s eating lunch with the popular girls doesn’t mean she’s going to turn into a bitchy mean girl. I think you’ve seen mean girls one too many times!
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