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To not tell the midwife about this..

(94 Posts)
GreenWillowTree Thu 21-May-20 10:07:55

I have got my first midwife appointment soon. It is going to be on the phone. I am having my second baby and I know one of the questions they ask you is about being a victim of abuse and social services.

In a previous relationship I was a victim of domestic abuse. This started when I was pregnant and I left when my baby was little. I went to the police for help. They referred me to social services but I didn’t see anyone as I had already left my husband and moved away so they said they didn’t need to see me.

Do I need to tell the midwife about this.? I am at no risk and neither is my baby. I have a lovely home a supportive family and a good job. I don’t want to be seen as a problem family but I obviously don’t want to lie either.

The thread yesterday about the family having lots of children taken away really upset me. Because people were make lots of comments about people who are victims of domestic abuse and how they don’t protect their children. How mums who are victims of DV have it written on their notes and people watch for them harming their baby. I did everything to protect my child.

quarantinevibes Thu 21-May-20 10:13:10

You didn’t see anyone from ss anyway as you got yourself out of the situation. Nothing came of it, you put yourself and your baby first. I wouldn’t mention it. Congrats by the way flowers

Celerysam Thu 21-May-20 10:13:29

You need to tell the midwife. They will think worse of you for being dishonest. I'm assuming that it was years ago if you have had time to move on, settle down and marry someone else and decide to start a family with them. You can talk to the midwife about how much time has passed, things are different this time. Your child from a previous relationship must be older. If they are thriving, that's your proof that things are better. They will see this and nothing bad will happen. They will be suspicious if you hide things though.

zscaler Thu 21-May-20 10:18:35

I would tell her. There won’t be any danger of your baby being taken away - you did absolutely the right thing by getting out of your previous relationship, you’ve already shown that you’re a completely capable mother without the help of social services. But if you hid it and your midwife came to find out anyway, it would look like you were hiding something, and that would be worse in my opinion.

You have nothing to be ashamed or anxious about - you’ve been a great mother and have looked after and protected your child. It isn’t going to be a cause for concern.

IchaneNameMgy Thu 21-May-20 10:21:10

I would mention it just in case it ever comes up. If they thought you were hiding the past they would wonder what you were hiding in the present

and people watch for them harming their baby I did everything to protect my child

Where have you heard or seen that they look out for signs that you will harm the baby?

That isn't true as far as I'm aware. If DV is on the notes they look for signs that mum is being abused in any way, they want to make sure baby is safe too but the automatic assumption isnt the victim of DV would harm their baby

I was in a DV relationship and got back with him whilst I was pregnant. We didn't live together but I had SS involvement for a while, their main concern was that me and baby were ok and getting the support that we needed.

When I left properly they were even less involved, i remember my social worker ringing me up and asking if i had registered them at docs/nursery, i have them details, they rang and checked and then rang me back and said they were closing the case.

If you did get a referral to SS it woukd just be to see if you needed any support ( unless you were showing signs of being in a DV relationship )

People think SS are all doom and gloom, I have had them involved in my life twice because of DV ( same man ) and each time they have been really supportive of me and the children

OneForMeToo Thu 21-May-20 10:37:15

Just tell it very matter of fact. Social services where called when I left a DV relationship however because I left They never actually made contact with me.

I had to report that I had social worker involvement due to the fact I was a child in care at one point. Think they just fill in an extra form. I never heard anything more about it and tbh thinking about it never mentioned it for any of my children after my first due to nothing coming of it from the first.

NoRoomInBed Thu 21-May-20 10:45:41

We had social involvement for a while and I got pregnant told the midwife and all she did was notify social and to ask if theres any risk. It was mostly to make sure you dont conceal a pregancy. Social worker called to say congrats and to tell me we are moving off her books and no more involvement. As theres really nothing I wouldnt even mention it.

lurker69 Thu 21-May-20 11:12:57

I left my abusive ex once I had the baby, several years later I met my DH and got pregnant... my midwife already knew about abusive ex, it really got my back up that she said she was going to tell ss, I felt incredibly judged, like she was saying I was a crap parent because of what he did but nothing happened, it was never mentioned again and I never heard from them. I went on to have more children and it was never even mentioned at any appointments for them.

Russell19 Thu 21-May-20 11:15:28

Surely the abuse question is relating to your current circumstances though? I don't think you have anything to be worried about if you did say anything though. They not to panic.

DontLookBackYappityYap Thu 21-May-20 11:19:38

'I did X years ago but knew it was wrong and left, now I'm in a loving relationship'.

CookieMumsters Thu 21-May-20 11:23:49

Dont lie, lying makes it seem like you have something to hide. Just say something like "DC1s dad was abusive and I left. The police helped and SS were informed, but by the time they got in touch we were already safe so I never saw anyone" - truthful and makes it clear that it was in the past and is dealt with.

Mucklowe Thu 21-May-20 11:26:56

I wouldn't tell her. It's not worth the hassle. Being too open isn't always the best way.

Crunchymum Thu 21-May-20 11:29:43

They ask the question about your current situation don't they? (its been a while) so you can answer honestly and in good conscience.

You don't need to divulge DV in a past relationship, if there no relevance to your current situation.

GreenWillowTree Thu 21-May-20 11:31:01

@lurker69 that’s awful. How did they know? It may be on my medical records because I got a referral to counselling and when we moved we got a special visit from the health visitor (in which I was told how well DS was doing and how to I was doing a good job of looking after him).

My worry is that the whole appointment will be about how I am a risk. I have a medical condition that can affect pregnancy and I am worried that I won’t get the right care especially with Coronavirus.

CovidicusRex Thu 21-May-20 11:32:51

Well you’ve never had any contact with ss have you? As for DV I think they’re only interested in people you are currently in contact with/might be in contact with in the future. They really do it purely with the intention of giving you the chance to seek help to keep you and your baby safe.

RyvitaBrevis Thu 21-May-20 11:36:25

The focus at midwife appointments is whether you are safe now, and feel safe in your current relationship if you are in a relationship. If you say you are no longer in contact with your abusive ex-partner and have moved away, that information is not going to go beyond the midwife, so it shouldn't make a difference whether you disclose this information or not. (But someone please correct me if I'm wrong.)

Social services would be completely overwhelmed if referrals were made for past issues which have been resolved.

Griselda1 Thu 21-May-20 11:40:22

Why would this come up in the conversation anyway.Surely it's about your current situation and pregnancy although I know there are standard questions around domestic violence. I think part of your recovery is not being a victim or continuing to feel blighted by this so I wouldn't discuss it.

BumpBundle Thu 21-May-20 11:45:17

Don't lie if she asks because that will raise suspicion if you get found out and they'll always find a fire if you give them any smoke. However, I can't see any reason why a previous relationship would come up with your midwife. My midwife asked me whether, in my current relationship, there was any domestic violence, drug/alcohol abuse, mental health issues or any other concerns - nothing about previous relationships. The thread yesterday (if it was the same one I saw) was referring to mutually abusive parents who don't change their dangerous behaviours for the sake of keeping their children safe - you actively left a dangerous situation for your child so you are not one of those parents.

RyvitaBrevis Thu 21-May-20 11:47:52

I just wanted to add, the midwife won't be poring over your medical records. The midwife will be relying on you to explain your medical history. There's a lot of paperwork to get through in the booking appointment, in all likelihood the midwife will just be trying to get through it all as quickly as possible.

MindyStClaire Thu 21-May-20 11:48:21

I was asked if I was in an abusive relationship now or ever in the past. This is because women often experience more than one abusive relationship unfortunately.

I'm sure if you just tell them what you've written here there will be no further issues, but don't keep it quiet. You've nothing to be ashamed of (indeed, a hell of a lot to be proud of).

HoomanMoomin Thu 21-May-20 11:50:20

I think they only ask about current relationship, not the previous ones. So you won’t need to tell her because she won’t ask.

Bumblebee413 Thu 21-May-20 11:57:10

@GreenWillowTree you have nothing and I mean nothing to feel any shame or embarrassment over. You were in a horrible situation and you escaped it; prioritising the safety of yourself and your child. If anything that is a badge of honour. Escaping a situation like that is Hard and every midwife going knows that.

The midwife may ask about previous relationships, she may not. She will mainly want to know that you are safe now, because that is the important thing. It's completely up to you if you tell her or not. My gut instinct would be to tell her, because quite frankly ss wouldn't be interested anyway and at least then you aren't worrying about it ever 'coming out'.

You'll be asked 3 times during your pregnancy if you're experiencing any violence or restrictions on you freedom by your partner, but those are questions that every woman should be asked as 40% of DV starts for the 1st time in pregnancy. So, when you get asked that, bear in mind that that's standard care and no reflection on you.

Hopefully you and your midwife will be able to start a lovely, trusting relationship, because if you do have extra health concerns, having extra support and a good relationship can make a big difference. Whether you tell her or not you will get the care you need. There's nothing that needs doing about your past at the moment. It's the past and you and your babies are safe. That's all they want to know xxx

5lilducks Thu 21-May-20 11:57:34

From what I can remember at my "booking in appointment " at the hospital the lady asked me if there was any domestic abuse or any safety concerns in current relationship ..not about any previous relationships. This was in 2017 and I appreciate things may have changed since. If they ask about DV I would choose my words carefully and say there IS (present tense) no DV and you are very happy etc. If they ask about past relationships then I would be truthful. Lying to authorities intentionally just gives them more ammunition to use against you. Choose your words carefully and let them dwel into it further if they want to. I wouldnt worry about ss taking your Dc away anyway. Decisions to take children away are not taken lightly. Unfortunately, loads of women have been through DV at some point in their life and if ss took away all the children whose mums had been subjected to DV at some point in their lives then there would be a lot more children in care. Try not to worry. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Daisy169 Thu 21-May-20 12:02:37

In your OP you wrote

In a previous relationship I was a victim of domestic abuse. This started when I was pregnant and I left when my baby was little. I went to the police for help. They referred me to social services but I didn’t see anyone as I had already left my husband and moved away so they said they didn’t need to see me.

Just say that.

Ineedcoffee2345 Thu 21-May-20 12:03:49

The abuse question is in regards to your current situation not your past

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