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Listen vs lecture(5 Posts)
Particularly shite day at work. I won't go into specifics but I'm pretty broken by coronavirus fallout and all its implications, trying to support staff and continual change.
Anyway came home and had a jolly good cry- first time ever and I think I'm pretty resilient.
My husband (who is genuinely normally lovely) instantly went into lecture mode about how I'm working too hard, need to delegate more, not micromanage while I sobbed at the kitchen table.
When actually all I really needed was someone to listen, give me a cuddle and make me a cup of tea/stiff G&T and then let me draw my own conclusions. The whole thing then descended into a massive row when I told him to stop trying to patronise me. So everything is even worse now and he's sulked off to the spare bedroom.
So my AIBU is why do men have an inability to just listen but instantly go into fix mode? Or is this just a feature of my DH?
This isn’t just a men thing. People sometimes naturally want to be helpful by suggesting solutions (that often are totally inappropriate) rather than just being sympathetic.
I now explicitly say that I’m feeling upset and don’t want to try and fix the problem right now. That helps.
Sorry you’ve had a crap day.
My DH does the same thing. He needs to 'fix it' so I'll feel better.
Agree with Purple, you need to tell him that you don't want or need solutions you just want to vent.
I think any DP worth their salt would go into fixing mode when their partner comes home sobbing from work. This isn’t a problem really - he cares about you
Isn't this the classic 'Men are from Mars' scenario?
If you tell a man about a problem, his first reaction is to make suggestions for how you can fix it. He will get annoyed and frustrated if you don't follow his suggestions but continue to talk about the issue, because he's told you the solution and if you'd done what he said everything would be sorted out. In his eyes you are being perverse for not following the advice.
If you tell a woman about a problem, her first reaction is to offer sympathy and support. That works better because it's what the woman with the problem is actually looking for. The man doesn't realise that
I'm sure it's an over simplification, but sounds right in this case!
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