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For wanting to tell his mum about him abandoning me with miscarriage?

(261 Posts)
lilacbeloved Wed 20-May-20 19:52:48

I've (22f) been with my partner (31m) since June last year, fell pregnant unexpectedly and had a termination in August, moved in together November.

Hell broke loose when we moved in. I was a mess about the termination and wanting to grieve, whereas he wanted to drink and snort his feelings away and not speak about it at all. Arguments were a result of this and despite it, when things were good, things were great.

We sat down and he admitted and sobbed that he was finding it tough to grieve the baby and his dad who died 3 years ago and that he's just not used to talking about his feelings and doesn't know how to process emotion, but we agreed we would try our best for me to give him space and him to communicate.

Since lockdown, he was drinking heavily, even wanting to bring drugs into the house, I said no and he stormed out to his mum's and then came back. Every argument ended in him saying "this is done" then coming back.

A month ago, we argued, he stormed to his mums. I found out I was pregnant and then I miscarried. He came back and looked after me, completely heartbroken we were in this position and told me we'd make up for it in future. He stayed with me for the weekend, then said he'd help his mum do things around the corner and bring his stuff back to our house 2 days later. The day he was meant to come back, he told me he couldn't do it. He left me a day after the miscarriage.

Every day since, he refuses to pick up a phone or speak. Hasn't asked once if I'm okay. Tells me he's not coping, showering, eating etc. He loves me more than anything and feels like his life is over. Won't give me any closure. Tells me he wants time to think, he's in two minds. He'll phone me later or tomorrow. He won't pick his stuff up or even sort out the joint tenancy or bills. Even blocked me from his mum's Whatsapp (without her knowing and admitted it) when I tried to get in contact with her as I had to get in touch about a utility bill and he ignored me when I reached out to him. Everything is put off until "tomorrow". Please bear in mind we spoke about our future family all the time, he told me he was so upset he wasn't there for the termination as he was working away and hates himself for it.

All my friends are suggesting I tell his mum what he's done, as he's ran away and left me to pick up the pieces and acted like a teenager. I feel so alone and by myself. I am in such a bad place. Seen a GP who prescribed Sertraline but I took too funny of a turn on it to continue.

Unsure what to do. I don't know why I'm not angry yet.

Suzie6789 Wed 20-May-20 19:59:02

I’m very sorry about your situation, but I don’t know why you would involve his mother? What are you expecting her to do?
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is forget about this man and try to move on with your life. Be kind to yourself you’ve had a bad year.

Tootletum Wed 20-May-20 20:04:55

Don't do that. Don't want to upset you but all you would be doing is plain revenge and you would definitely shut down any prospect of sorting things out. For now ,focus on getting him to take responsibility for the bills and that's it. Just phone and leave a voicemail about that, that's fine. No need to unburden yourself.

Caselgarcia Wed 20-May-20 20:04:59

It sounds like too much has happened in your relationship too soon. In less than a year you have had a termination, moved in together, he's moved out and you've miscarried. Maybe have some time apart to see if you want to be together

MarylandMayhem Wed 20-May-20 20:05:49

To run to his mother would be very childish.

Time to take charge of your life and move on from him, stop the contact.

There are other antidepressants you can try.

CodenameVillanelle Wed 20-May-20 20:07:31

Don't bring his mum into it. Be kind to yourself and grieve this relationship and your pregnancies but do NOT go back to him. This relationship is over.

Minesacider Wed 20-May-20 20:09:03

"Tell his mum".

Like he's a child? He's been a dick, he's messed you around, and that's not on. But you cannot go and tell tales to his mother, you're both supposed to be adults.

Take this as an escape, he doesn't sound like the sort of person you need. If things dont end now, you'll be X years down the line and wondering why you wasted your 20s on a loser.

BumpBundle Wed 20-May-20 20:09:13

It would be so unreasonable for you to tell his mother. He's an adult. It has absolutely nothing at all to do with his mother. How would you feel if he told your mother?

VettiyaIruken Wed 20-May-20 20:09:45

Im sorry he's been such a shot but it would be completely inappropriate to report a 31 year old man to his mummy.

Redglitter Wed 20-May-20 20:11:14

Its absolutely nothing to do with his mum. Theres nothing to be gained by involving her

ArriettyJones Wed 20-May-20 20:11:23

His mother is neither here nor there. He is a man child. Move on.

lilacbeloved Wed 20-May-20 20:17:36

Thanks everyone. I've tried to get in touch about the bills and stuff for a month but he's told me "he's reluctant because he's trying not to think about it as he's hurting too much" but it's not fair on me when I'm living here and he's got a fresh start. Everytime I ask, he says "tomorrow", tomorrow comes, nothing.

Says he doesn't want me dropping it off either. No idea what his angle is.

Friends suggested telling her as he was acting the child, but probably not best.

lyralalala Wed 20-May-20 20:25:41

Can you afford your place on your own? How long is left on your current tenancy?

Don't tell his Mum, but pack up his stuff and drop it off there

lilacbeloved Wed 20-May-20 20:28:11

@lyralalala no, I can't. Luckily, I've gotten a rent freeze holiday till August due to my understanding landlord so I'll need to figure out what I'm doing then.

I've said this to him, but everytime I say I'm coming, he says he'll come the next day. Never does. I offered to come up and he said he'd phone the police if I did..? I feel so utterly powerless.

Samtsirch Wed 20-May-20 20:28:53

Also please contact your GP again, there are many other anti depressants and anti anxiety medicines which may suit you better, don’t give up on them because of one not helping.
You can also access bereavement counselling (online) to help you deal with the termination and the miscarriage.
I think you should focus on yourself and how to heal before you do anything else, you have been through and are going through a hell of a lot.

PeanutDouglas Wed 20-May-20 20:32:16

I’m so sorry.

Agree with others tho. Not sure why you’d involve his mum. The facts are he’s emotionally immature and has proved he’s not a great partner. Take control and move forward without him. Go back to the GP re your medication.

Bluetrews25 Wed 20-May-20 20:34:27

Yes, he might be acting like a kid running away to mummy, but if you tell tales to her that makes you just as bad as him in the childish stakes.
He is a loser. Drink, drugs, can't talk, can't deal with emotions.
You have dodged a bullet, please continue to do so.
Just because you know him does not mean you are right for each other.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay Wed 20-May-20 20:35:39

When you speak to your GP, why not ask about contraception as well - two unexpected pregnancies and you've been together less than a year, one of them within a month of meeting?

And agree that it's nothing to do with his mother.

MaternitySpongeBob Wed 20-May-20 20:51:41

What on earth are you on, op?

Run the fuck away from this man. Your life in the last year reads like some sort of Jeremy Kyle drama.

Cut all ties with this man child. Move on and be thankful as fuck that you're no longer tied by conception to this loser. His mother has nothing to do with it.

You've been acting like some lovelorn 15 year old drama queen, him too... Move on, block him, get your shit together.

I'm sorry for your pregnancy loss but ffs, sort out your contraception solution.

Jesus Christ!

lilacbeloved Wed 20-May-20 21:00:08

@MaternitySpongeBob thanks for your lovely comment, truly appreciate your empathy, but not once did I say the second time wasn't planned.

I'm grieving and trying to cut the chord, he's making it hard for me, I don't know how to continue without doing the necessities for our joint home and I am not wanting to throw his things out. Please read my previous comments. He's being difficult on purpose. I've been too nice for too long.

BumbleBeee69 Wed 20-May-20 21:04:25



Clymene Wed 20-May-20 21:10:14

I'm so sorry for your losses but this man is a dick, as he's now making completely clear. He's played you like a kipper.

And there is no way this bloke would have stuck around if this pregnancy had gone to term. He's a shit. Get angry and take him to the Small Claims Court for his share of the bills

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 20-May-20 21:13:32

What do you want his mum to do? Pay his share of the bills or tell him off for being a prick?

1Morewineplease Wed 20-May-20 21:14:29

I’m so sorry to hear your story. It sounds to me like he’s burying his head in the sand. It also sounds , I’m sorry to say, that he doesn’t want to be with you.
Did you rent your place jointly? If so then you need to find out from him where he stands regarding bills etc..
if you have rented your place on your own, then I’m not sure that you can ask him for a contribution as it seems like he’s moved out.
Heartbreaking though this all is, I’m not sure that he is in the right place for you right now.
Truth be told, I think you deserve better , from what you’ve said.

Merryoldgoat Wed 20-May-20 21:32:23

The pair of you are in no way ready to be in a relationship let alone parents.

Seriously. You might not like the comment from @MaternitySpongeBob but she’s bang on the money.

The fact you planned a baby with a man with a drug problem after you’ve been together less than a year when you’re TWENTY TWO shows you lack maturity.

I’m sorry but give yourself a shake.

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