Advanced search

To tell DH I need a day off

(231 Posts)
elbanabanana Wed 20-May-20 19:33:14

I just can't do it any more. I have an autistic 5yo and a toddler, the 5yo was f/t in a special school and the toddler did 2 short days with a childminder. I am a SAHM and f/t carer to the 5yo (who receives DLA, I get CA).

I just can't do it any more. The 5yo hates the toddler. The toddler gets pushed/hit. I can't have my eyes on both of them all day and that's what they both need. The 5yo has peeled the paint off walls in every single room in the house, it looks a fucking state. Everyone is tired and miserable.

DH is WFH right now due to COVID, self employed. They work in the study during the day, come out for lunch, drinks etc. They are working at the same pace that they did pre COVID and while I'm glad that they are getting work, their work has only changed in as much as they are staying home all day whereas mine has blown up exponentially due to no childcare/school.

I was managing ok pre COVID, just about finding my groove again and gearing myself up to apply for MA's that would build on the career I gave up when I realised that the 5yo was autistic and I would need to care for them. Everything has crashed down around my ears and I can't find a single second of any day where I am not on edge. My heart rate is through the roof all day, my Fitbit says I do my 10,000 steps without leaving the bloody house.

I KNOW DH has to keep working but he's not cleaning shit off toys (don't ask) or being slapped/kicked all day long. I fear him being defensive if I try to ask him for more

But I can't keep doing this. I'm unravelling.

Suzie6789 Wed 20-May-20 19:36:29

I ding have anything helpful to say apart from yes i do think you need a day off. It sounds very hard for you flowers

TheThingWithFeathers Wed 20-May-20 19:38:03

Oh love. You sound at breaking point. flowers Absolutely tell (don't ask!) your DH that you need a day off. Take over the study for a day with snacks and books or tech or whatever you like. Let your DH do the hard work for a change. And then agree regular time off for you from now on.

SpillTheTeaa Wed 20-May-20 19:39:39

You need to tell him you are having a day off. You need it.

AlexaShutUp Wed 20-May-20 19:40:00

What happens at weekends? Is he doing his fair share then? Does he get time to himself when he isn't working.

Your situation sounds pretty intense. Have you told him you need a break?

Queenoftheashes Wed 20-May-20 19:41:52

Just tell him to take a day annual leave
Presumably people have annual leave spare as no one is going on holiday

PlanDeRaccordement Wed 20-May-20 19:43:42

You definitely need some help. Ideas might not be any good
-Would your 5yo be classed as vulnerable so can go back to school even a few days a week? Call head teacher?
-Can DH get flexible working so he works four hours in evening after kids in bed so you can split the day child care in half?

HavelockVetinari Wed 20-May-20 19:43:54

He needs to take a few days of leave, you're not at all unreasonable.

lanthanum Wed 20-May-20 19:44:52

Is it worth talking to the school to see if your older one can have some time in school? He may qualify ("children who have an education, health and care (EHC) plan and it is determined, following risk assessment, that their needs can be as safely or more safely met in the educational environment") - if you are as exhausted by things as it sounds, then his needs may be better met by giving you a break.

But yes, fair enough to ask DH to take a day or two off to give you a break.

BendingSpoons Wed 20-May-20 19:44:53

Definitely ask him to take some time off. Can he amend his working hours to give you a break in the middle of the day? Can he sometimes have the toddler playing in the room whilst he works? Is there any chance of sending your 5yo to school?

Oly4 Wed 20-May-20 19:45:32

If he has no annual leave then tell
He has to have the kids one day every weekend because you need a break!! Then send them out while you watch TV and recuperate.
You poor thing, sounds so hard

elbanabanana Wed 20-May-20 19:46:32

DH gets defensive when I talk to them about taking time off, and then talks about our income not being secure and blah blah blah.

I feel like 'Yes, but I genuinely think I'm going to have a heart attack soon if I carry on like this'.

I went to the supermarket to buy nappies yesterday and they apparently screamed for half an hour, he could not get back into that study quick enough when I got home. He could arrange his work to give me time off, he just... won't.

Chocolateandamaretto Wed 20-May-20 19:51:14

Yes DH should be helping but if your school is open in any capacity op please give them a ring - you might be able to arrange something more regular.

Tell DH you are having a day off and he needs to take a day of annual leave. Then you need a half hour/hour to get yourself in order, even if it’s making dinner with a cup of tea and the radio on undisturbed.

pointythings Wed 20-May-20 19:56:40

You need to sit him down and tell him what it's really like: That half hour of screaming that you had to deal with? That's my all day, every day. I need a break. If you won't take leave, you will do one full day out of every weekend. This is not negotiable.

He needs to learn to parent his own children and he needs to share the load.

Sunshinegirl82 Wed 20-May-20 19:57:03

What happens at weekends? Tell DH if you have a nervous breakdown he’ll be working AND looking after both DC full time.

Hopefully your childminder will be able to start working again soon. Is there and possibility that your older child could still attend school?

elbanabanana Wed 20-May-20 19:57:26

I should point out here too that I prepare and cook all the meals, so I made lunch for the kids, him and myself, then I make the kids their tea, then I make dinner for me and DH when the younger DC is in bed. I hate it.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 20-May-20 19:59:03

Op is send the 5yo in, they're either revelry or yr1 right? Plus assuming they have an EHCP or others meet the vulnerable criteria? There's no shame in saying "I need help".

What DOES DH do to help? What are his working hours and days?

violetbunny Wed 20-May-20 20:00:18

What happens at weekends and evening? Do either of you get any time to yourselves?

elbanabanana Wed 20-May-20 20:01:27

The 5yo's special school say they are only taking children with social service involvement, the ones they deem to be most vulnerable.

I have considered calling SS on myself.

AnxietyForever Wed 20-May-20 20:01:47

Your husband sounds like a lazy man

elbanabanana Wed 20-May-20 20:02:08

He is alone all frigging day in his study! Or having a 'creative walk' for two hours on his own.

Sunshinegirl82 Wed 20-May-20 20:03:56

Well stop cooking for a start! The DC will be quite happy with pasta and sandwiches for a few days. Get ready meals or a Cook delivery or a take away.

Honestly, your DH is taking the piss and he knows it or he wouldn’t be so defensive when you bring it up.

BumpBundle Wed 20-May-20 20:04:04

This is an awful thread to read because there is no solution.
You are not being unreasonable - but neither is he.
On the one hand, you are exhausted and worn out and so completely done - and quite rightly. You just need a day to recoup and sort yourself out.
On his side, you both agreed that you'd be a SAHM and he'd do his very stressful job as a sole provider and business owner. He's doing his part and you should do yours.
Neither of you are in the wrong and it's a very stressful situation for you both to be in. As PP have said, contact your usual childcare providers and explain the situation. Explain that you are the only person who can care for your children and you're struggling to have them both at once because of their unique and complex needs. Ask them if they could consider taking your child(ren) back into their care - they have a duty to support you.
Try to find a balance where they're each in childcare for three days of the working week. One day for yourself to do housework and look after yourself a bit. Then two days with each child at home. And then the weekends should have OH supporting you.
Sending you lots of lockdown support.

Shazzanat Wed 20-May-20 20:04:10

You need to ring school OP and tell them your 5 year old needs a day or two in school, should be eligable with an EHCP. I have one with severe learning disabilities who Is grabbing me as I type. It's hard sad

Shazzanat Wed 20-May-20 20:05:13

Sorry OP, cross post. I hear you :/

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »