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Short of an angle grinder how the fuck do you chop a swede?

(95 Posts)
Chinchinatti Wed 20-May-20 13:43:44

I've just spent a half hour trying to chop a turnip. It has to be THE most unforgiving cunt of a vegetable. I've dents in my hand from the fucking thing.
I sharpened my big knife and everything and still I couldn't get half way through the bastard bollocks of a cunt of a thing.
It's my favourite vegetable, but fuck me, every time, I swear I'm never buying another one.
Is there some knack to chopping the cunt that I'm unaware of?

DeeplyMovingExperience Wed 20-May-20 13:45:05

Bastards, aren't they?

ZorbaTheHoarder Wed 20-May-20 13:46:18

Slap him around the face?

Osirus Wed 20-May-20 13:47:11

I use a meat cleaver and whack it from a great height. 😁

Tis the only way.

BittersweetMemories Wed 20-May-20 13:47:17

Buy pre chopped 👍

Mallowmarshmallow Wed 20-May-20 13:47:39

Microwave it whole and chop it up afterwards

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 20-May-20 13:48:16

It’s the same thing that puts me off butternut squash

HardAsSnails Wed 20-May-20 13:48:17

Swedes are much tastier and easier to cut if you let them age a bit before using.

Or, once the knife is stuck just hold the knife handle and bang the swede down on a solid chopping board and it should split. Keep other hand out of way.

milveycrohn Wed 20-May-20 13:49:11

Swede or turnip?
Your heading says Swede, your post says turnip.
Personally, I find a butternut squash the hardest

BissueTox Wed 20-May-20 13:49:59

Microwave it whole for 15 minutes. It'll whistle while cooking but it's ready mashed when it's done and a doddle to cut into and scrape the cooked middle out.

No peeling, no chopping.

okiedokieme Wed 20-May-20 13:50:20

I use a 6inch cooks knife and brute force. Never had an issue, dd also prepares roasts and cuts them

Bairnsmum05 Wed 20-May-20 13:50:48

Pop it in the microwave whole then after it is cooked, chop it's head off and scoop out the insides.

CottonSock Wed 20-May-20 13:52:08

Massive knife, I hit with a rolling pin like a hammer

TwitterTwatterofTinyMinds Wed 20-May-20 13:53:43

Marshmallow - genius!! Why have I never thought of that?!

redastherose Wed 20-May-20 13:56:34

I always just stab my sharpest knife (usual sharpen it specially) into it half way through then holding on tightly to the knife slam knife with skewered swede onto a hard surface repeatedly until it splits in half. I also use my sharpe knife to peel it as a normal peeler won't go near them! They are tasty though when cooked. My favourite is mashed swede and carrots with just a little bit of butter - yum!

BathshebaKnickerStickers Wed 20-May-20 13:56:43

Oh oh oh....

We all hate MLM firms. but when Pampered Chef were in the UK they sold an amazing thing - I'm in the NE of Scotland and everyone here calls it a neep cutter....!!!!!

You can still find them on ebay sometimes but you need a Pampered Chef Crinkle Cutter - only thing that works.

Its the big black handled thing in this listing - www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Pampered-Chef-Bundle/324168160863?hash=item4b79ed965f:g:Z3UAAOSwIf9ev~Qi

MuthaClucker Wed 20-May-20 13:56:44

Firmly believe that if I ever manage to retrieve the knife in one clean swipe I’m destined to become king of all England.

Sparklfairy Wed 20-May-20 13:59:03

Buy it frozen and pre chopped <<lazy>> grin

Charlottejade89 Wed 20-May-20 15:23:26

I usually peel it and then chop bits off the sides and kind of keep going eou d it in circles until you're in the middle. I do agree though they're right fuckers to cut up

tiredanddangerous Wed 20-May-20 15:25:51

I don’t buy swedes and I buy butternut squash already chopped up. It doesn’t help you I know op, but you’re making life difficult for yourself grin

HuckfromScandal Wed 20-May-20 15:25:56

Came on to say what @BathshebaKnickerStickers said, I have one and none of these horrors of veg now get to me. I have to say, that many of my pampered chef things are ancient now, like well over 10 years, and cost per use, probably the best value things in my kitchen.

TrickyWords Wed 20-May-20 15:31:55

Peel it then take 1cm slices off the smallest side. You will likely need to whack it on a chopping board at least once to get your knife unstuck, but it does work.

Bluebird3456 Wed 20-May-20 15:34:00

Bread knife 👍

RaspberryToupee Wed 20-May-20 15:35:11

I have a vegetable peeler which works really well. The one I have is double ended and not on this list but is similar to the julienne one - thefinestkitchen.com/butternut-squash-peeler/. It’s a little bit excitable (sharp), so I tend not to use it for anything easy like carrots or potatoes, lest it peel my finger too. I bought ours at one of the summer shows and was really skeptical about a peeler getting through a squash or suede but it does work if you get the right peeler.

lachy Wed 20-May-20 15:44:19

One of the benefits of having a big brute of a husband is his skill in chopping swede.

If he's not available to chop, then we do without.

I am happy to loan him out...

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