To have kicked him out for good and some things you said to a child are unforgivable(82 Posts)
Had issues for ages with husbands temper.
Throwing things, breaking things.
Anyway thought we had had a break throw before lockdown. I thought he had taken responsibility, and everything was back to normal and we truly felt happy.
Anyway DS has been a nightmare the past 4 days. Answering back, refusing to so school work, hitting us. He has coped so well during lockdown but has really hit a wall this week. I knows its anger at not seeing his friends and grandparents.
Anyway I got home from a night shift and went to bed. Half an hour ago DS comes running in crying so I am trying to calm him
down. DH walks in and says “I am ringing social services to take him away” and “I hate the little shit”
DS obviously here’s all this and goes into meltdown.
I tell DH to get out now. DH rips off his T-shirt (literally). I calm DS down and then go downstairs.
I tell DH I can’t believe he would say that to his own son and yes I know he had been challenging but for goodness sake we are all going through hell but DS is six for goodness sake.
DH then yells that no one listens or respects him and I tell him to leave and don’t come back.
When he had gone I notice one of DSs beloved football annuals all ripped up. DS says daddy did it.
I know my marriage is over I just don’t know what to do next. I work nights, luckily not till next Monday now but I can’t carry on with that. I have seizures and fibromyalgia as well. Not sure I can do this. I know I have too but not sure how.
Oh that’s sad...
You did the right thing though
My ds (5) has been difficult since lockdown started, and my dh can be quick to anger but even he is taking it calm because he understand these are challenging times.
I am so sorry this happened to you both
I cannot imagine someone saying that to a child. He has obviously got some deep routed anger issues and unfortunately they don’t go away over night. You did the best thing - do you really want your son growing up with that kind of role model?
Things will be hard to begin with, but you’ll find a way to get through it and will inevitably be better off. Just make sure you show your son lots of support and give him lots of cuddles because that may stay with him a while.
Maybe you should get this moved to relationships OP
You’ve done absolutely the right thing, I don’t think your dh or his words have any standing however he absolutely need to get help and he need to move out of the family home in order to do that.
Six poor little mite.
There's just nothing to say. You did the right thing, and no your horrible, abusive shit of an excuse for a DH and father cannot have sole care of him until he has got some help, frankly.
Don't let him back, don't let him 'apologise' to your son and 'it's all over'. That's going to cause major damage - you responded in the right way, basically the child-friendly equivalent of 'WTF?! No, that's not ok.' You showed your DS that there is a firm red line and his feeling safe and loved by his parents, even when behaving badly, is non-negotiable. If you roll back from that, he will no longer feel as if you have his back- and he needs to, because right now it's clear his dad isn't there for him.
Beyond this, however, it should be clear that he has to go because you will both do better without him. Agressive, unfair, childish (ripping his t shirt off in a tantrum? FFS) and a shit parent. Yes, end the marriage - what the hell do you want to stay in it for anyway, I'd say!
Do you have practical support?
You can move for these reasons within lockdown. Would you be albe to stay with family so that you can work?
You have very much done the right thing, and in very difficult personal circumstances. Kia kaha (stay strong), and I hope you are able to access the support you need to make this new beginning for you and your poor wee son work. He's got you at his back, with unconditional love, compassion, empathy and understanding. I hope you can get someone at your back in turn, to provide those things for you, be that family, friends, or the professionals that can help you navigate the choppy waters ahead. (Preferably all three!)
I could poss swap onto day shifts and would have to send DS to school on those days. I am a key worker so that wouldn’t be an issue
Of course you've done the right thing - your poor child to hear that said at age 6!
That's incredibly difficult logistically though - presumably there is no chance of using annual leave at short notice?
OP that sounds awful you and your poor son. What the hell did he think ripping his top off would achieve...that you would see his sexy beer gut and all would be forgotten?
Kids can push us a lot but to say that to a child is unforgivable. It makes me wonder if there is a bigger picture to your son's behaviour. Children respond to how their parents act and he (your husband) has behaved like a shit.
See if you can swap for days and send DS to school. You did the right thing, stay strong.
Well done for getting him out. That’s terrible for your son to hear and witness.
Can you change the locks as he will come back?
I wouldn’t let him see his son either due to how he treated him.
I would let him apply for access through the courts and then hopefully get supervised contact only.
I hope you have family you can talk too,
Deep you are right to take this seriously. Saying things like that to small children can be really damaging. My mother used to use this kind of thing as her routine approach to discipline, threatening that she would leave or that she would have me put in a home. I believe that it has left me with a lot of anxiety problems.
Apart from that, although children can be proper little pains in the neck, it is never right to take anger out on them and ripping up his football annual was horrible. He needs to remember who is supposed to be the grown up and if he can't do that he would be better to stay away.
6? Jesus, poor wee mite. You did the right thing. Don’t have him back. I asked my verbally abusive exhusband to leave when my son was 6 and I have never regretted it. The love of a little boy for his mum is worth 10,000 abusive men. You will do fine, it will be tricky sometimes but never as painful as what he’s capable of saying.
Had my mind pretty much made up at "throwing things, breaking things." You have absolutely done the right thing. His behaviour is extremely violent, and it is unforgiveable to say that to a 6 year old. I'm so sorry that you have gone through this today.
You are in a difficult position. If you get divorced, how will you keep him from having visitation?
I remember frequently my mother saying she would have me put in a children's home. Like pp's have said, I believe some.of my anxiety issues stem from this time.
Incalculable damage to a child's emotional wellbeing and lifetime mental health uttering stuff like this. It's essentially conditional love, isn't it? "Misbehave and I'll threaten to abandon you, " rather than, "I'm your parent and I'll be there for you through thick and thin."
Your DH needs to understand that unconditional love is what parents have for children and that parents have responsibilities and children have rights. He needs you to make it clear that your love for him is conditional on his being an adult and shouldering his responsibilities while your love for the small vulnerable life the two of you brought into the world is unconditional.
You are right to think DH is in deal breaking territory right now. He is presenting a very real danger to his DS.
OP, you did the right thing.
I think you need to approach work and see how they can support you.
Sending your son to school if you are at work sounds like a plan.
Can family and friends support you?
Don't be embarrassed, how awful to come home from work to such a scene.
Switch to days, send your DS to school and the structure will be good and it will help I am sure.
I would tell school about the emotional abuse, DS might need some additional support. It will be good to let them know.
Take photographs of the damage to to the annuals.
Dh is a cruel man. You’re best to have rid of him. Don’t let him back in on the false premise that you need him. You’ll figure it out.
Yes, but then you must do everything possible to make sure your son does not blame himself. Kids blame themselves even when it’s just the parents fighting so if he perceives this is in reaction to this specific incident he’s likely to feel responsible.
I think this is something you’ll need to reaffirm as he grows older, also.
Six?! My God. I was expecting you to say he was 16 or something. Poor little lad. You have done absolutely the right thing, but as others have said, your DS will need support so as not to internalise this and blame himself. So sorry that you've both had to put up with such awful behaviour from a grown man.
He got back about half an hour ago stormed upstairs and is now fast asleep. I am knackered, done a 12 hour night shift and only got 1 and a half hours sleep. That’s another issue he lets me sleep in between night shifts but when I have done my last night shift I can have 2 hours sleep tops afterwards. Anything more and he starts getting grumpy.
I am so tired we are in full PPE at the moment which has made night shifts even harder.
You've done the right thing.
That is a terrible, terrible thing to say to a child.
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