I have ME, endometriosis and am in my mid-30s. I recently had a suspected early miscarriage (a few months ago, pre Covid). I hadn't tried to conceive before then, because of my health issues (a few years of surgeries, a lot of pain, etc).
I control my endo symptoms with a pill, which suppresses the worst of it (cramping, ovary pain, fatigue, nausea, IBS, heavy bleeding amongst others). I'm terrible off the pill, but obviously went off it for TTC. Almost immediately my worst symptoms returned and I felt awful, close to vomiting on some days, couldn't function. Then I had what I now believe to be very early pregnancy symptoms and felt even worse. With the first bad IBS attack (vasovagal response and almost fainting, high temp, severe cramping etc) I found myself thinking, 'this isn't worth it.' I didn't think I could stand going back to my old symptoms or worse while TTC and pregnancy. I just wanted to take my pill again and forget TTC.
I confided in a friend about it, after the suspected miscarriage. I told her how awful I'd felt physically, that I'd almost forgotten how bad my health could be when I was unmedicated. My friend has had one baby and is heavily pregnant with a second. She told me, 'Well, you obviously don't really want a child. My TTC and pregnany was crap too, I felt so sick and in pain, but I did it to get the baby.' She said it didn't seem like I wanted a baby enough to go through the discomfort. Could this be true? It's just, I've been sick and in pain myself for so many years. It's just horrible to go back to feeling that way and forget how to function again. I wasn't glad about the miscarriage, but maybe I was relieved in some way... the sickness was so bad I was just glad to take a break from TTC and get back on the pill (I switched pill a month ago with bad side effects but could no longer stay on the combined pill for health reasons, it's still better than nothing). Obviously since then Covid has happened. My doctor told me this week that she doesn't recommend waiting to TTC again at my age and with the potential of infertility related to endo, despite Covid. (This is a more nuanced issue, and if I decide to continue I will think VERY carefully before trying this year). Now I'm a bit torn, not only because of the situation, but because I'm scared to feel like utter crap again. I'd love a baby, have done for a long time, but after dealing with my condition since my mid-twenties, I am exhausted and afraid. My friend said I don't have enough of a maternal urge if this is the case, and that I would go through hell to have a child if I had to. Do you agree with her? I expect harsh replies here because I know pregnancy is hard, I just wasn't prepared after so long trying to control my illness.
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'You obviously don't really want a child'
69 replies
eggly · 19/05/2020 23:52
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