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To lose my rag with parents over kids going back to school

(163 Posts)
NiknicK Tue 19-May-20 10:54:16

Just a bit of background. My parents can be infuriating at times. Over the years they’ve felt the need to interfere in my life telling me in a “nice way” their opinions on things I should and shouldn’t be doing, usually to do with my kids. But it’s not simply them telling me what they think, it’s more like them telling that they don’t agree with the things I do. Which isn’t considering I try my best. I’m 38 years old, married with kids not a bloody child! We had a brief fall out last year as things got too much. They made me doubt my parenting and to be honest, they got me really down, but that hurt then turned to anger in the end and i cut all contact and we didn’t speak for a month or so.

Well it looks like nothing has changed as they’re at it again projecting their narrow minded opinions onto me. My ds has Sen and is able to go back to his specialist school in two weeks as staff have made places available for kids to go back. But me and my dh have decided we do not want him to go back just yet as we feel it isn’t safe. Well according to my parents we are ridiculous for not sending him back to school. He will fall behind academically, will become even more isolated and it isn’t good for him to be stuck at home all day. Now don’t get me wrong we have all found the situation difficult at times but we are managing.

If this was a one off or I thought my parents were just genuinely concerned then I’d let it go, but I’ve put up with this kind of things for years. It’s like they’re a bit obsessive when it comes to my son and they think they’re experts when it comes to raising children with autism. On the whole they aren’t the warm fuzzy supportive type parents. Don’t get me wrong they’d offer money in a heartbeat if you need it (I never take money from them) they love to spoil all of their grandkids with presents money gifts etc which drives me crazy, but they would never say babysit for an hour if I had a doctors appointment or if me and dh wanted to go out for our annual night out for our anniversary. I don’t expect them to be at my disposal for things like that and never have, but surely if they aren’t going to be there for us ie to listen and be supportive or the occasional bit of practical help, then why do they feel that they have the right to interfere in my life.

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Jizzle Tue 19-May-20 10:56:30

I hate to say it OP, but i think YABU.

NiknicK Tue 19-May-20 10:57:57

Can I ask why?

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Jizzle Tue 19-May-20 10:58:08

Sorry, posted too soon!

What they are saying is correct, he will fall behind academically, will become even more isolated and it isn’t good for him to be stuck at home all day.

What are the reasons you are not putting him back in? The virus doesn't effect children in anything near the same way it effects the elderly, he is at very low risk and the benefits of going back to school far outweigh this, especially for someone with SEN who will value the routine of school i would imagine.

ahorsecalledseptember Tue 19-May-20 10:58:47

Whether you think OP is right or not is by the by, Jizzle

She is her child's parent (and her DH) and as such they make these decisions. Not the child's grandparents.

RockKnobster Tue 19-May-20 10:58:54

I agree with your parents tbh.

But then again, it's not their decision, it's yours.

cheesecurdsandgravy Tue 19-May-20 10:59:23

YANBU to feel judged in your choices as a parent, we all feel that sometimes.

I think you are unfortunately going to just get lots of people voting YABU/YANBU based on their opinions of children returning to school. Try not to take them to heart.

Iamnotusuallyconfused Tue 19-May-20 11:01:12

I agree with your parents but YANBU to want them to butt out of your own parenting decisions

DoesJeffKnow Tue 19-May-20 11:02:40

They can't have it both ways.

They're either great at parenting (& therefore have raised a great child - you - capable of making rational decisions).

Or they've raised someone who they believe to be incapable of making rational decisions, in which case they're shit at parenting and you should ignore their advice.

Ask them which it is.

Oysterbabe Tue 19-May-20 11:05:13

It's up to you obviously but I they are right in what they say.

ahorsecalledseptember Tue 19-May-20 11:06:16

It's quite remarkable, OP, everyone here knows your child at least as well as you!

You must be a very prolific MNetter who has gone on numerous meets hmm

Frozenfan2019 Tue 19-May-20 11:06:19

The OP didn't ask whether you agree with her parents ffs.

YADNBU OP and I doubt he will fall behind significantly.

NiknicK Tue 19-May-20 11:06:26

Yes of course. My main reason obviously is I don’t want to risk him catching the virus. I have another ds at home who won’t return until September and i am able to work at home until at least then so there is no real need for him to go back. Another reason is that my ds was really struggling at this school before the coronavirus. We have had countless meetings with staff and our local authority with a view of finding another school as he isn’t coping. Staff are great but they have openly stated that my ds has needs that they are struggling to meet. If ds was at a school were he was settled and thriving then that would at least be a positive but this isn’t the case. He struggles so much with change as it is, so to send him back to school which he doesn’t like anyway, and when things will be completely different, ie different teacher, classroom, kids in class etc I think it would affect him in a negative way.

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theconstantinoplegardener Tue 19-May-20 11:06:33

I actually think your parents are right, but ultimately it's your decision. And your position is not unreasonable.

However, I do think your parents have a right to raise this point, irritating as you may find it. They are your child's family too and sometimes it's good to consider different perspectives, even if you dont act upon them.

Aposterhasnoname Tue 19-May-20 11:07:12

I have to echo what everyone else says. It’s your choice, but your parents are right.

cantdothisnow1 Tue 19-May-20 11:07:37

OP you have my sympathy, I have 2 kids with ASD and my mother thinks she knows best and will fall out with me, and tell me I'm a shit parent, if I do something that goes against her version of common sense. My mother can be quite toxic.

You are the parent. Stick to your guns on what you feel is right.

Thescrewinthetuna Tue 19-May-20 11:08:48

It’s up to you and no they should not be butting in or lecturing you. Tell them that. You know your child best.

Soubriquet Tue 19-May-20 11:11:18

Yanbu OP

Mine aren’t going back either.

zscaler Tue 19-May-20 11:12:04

There is no possible way all the posters on this thread could know whether going back to school is the right thing for your specific child with his specific SEN, so ignore them all. The general principle will not apply to every child so they should stop acting like they know best when they clearly don’t have the information available to make that assessment.

YANBU - you are raising your child, not your parents and they need to stop interfering in the decisions you make. Maybe remind them that you’ve shut down before when they’ve interfered and you will do it again if necessary.

NiknicK Tue 19-May-20 11:12:07

To be fair I do like to hear the opinions of my friends and family as they’re important to me and like you say it’s always good to get perspective, but my parents aren’t like the rest of my friends and family. My parents are overbearing and seem incapable of seeing things from another persons perspective. The rest of my friends and family love a good debate and love to hear what I think but with my parents it’s like they don’t feel my options and feelings have any value.

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BebeGlazer Tue 19-May-20 11:12:35

OP, most teachers agree with you. Please ignore the posters above telling you you are wrong.

Schools will not be a particularly happy, safe, educational place. Teachers think they will be unsafe.

Do not worry. You have made the decision based on your family, and on your understanding.

BebeGlazer Tue 19-May-20 11:13:45

The British Medical Association also think schools will be unsafe, if that helps. But, you know, the government who have been negligent in their handling of this, and have caused thousands to die unnecessarily, want to hang teachers out as scapegoats.

NiknicK Tue 19-May-20 11:15:53

Oh i really feel for teachers right now. They do such a great job under so much strain. I know I couldn’t do it lol.

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Velvian Tue 19-May-20 11:18:14

The parents aren't 'right in what they say' don't be ridiculous. It's all just opinion, there is no 'right' answer to children going back to school. It is not going to be school as usual, you don't know the quality of education that Op's DC is receiving at home.

You may have a differing opinion to the OP, but you cannot declare what is 'right'. In the future, we may know what the right course of action was and you have a 50/50 chance. People forgot that negative impacts of any scenario will hit the most vulnerable first and hardest. There is no scenario without negative impacts.

OP, your parents have shown themselves to be bullies that impact your mental health. For that reason I would shut them down any time they criticise or manipulate to override your parenting decisions.

NiknicK Tue 19-May-20 11:18:36

@cantdothisnow1 That’s an awful thing for your mum to say. I’ve found with my parents they don’t like anything that goes against the norm and they tend to judge when I do things that they’d have done differently when I was a child. It’s kind of odd actually.

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