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What does 'plus one' mean in this context

(81 Posts)
hourglasses Tue 19-May-20 10:06:39

Met a man online. He said from the outset that he cannot commit to a full relationship for many valid and truthful reasons and neither can I , but he said he would like a plus one type arrangement . Is it unreasonable for me to think that he means more than a fwb but less than a fully
Committed relationship.
Our contact and connection has intensified over the last few months , to daily chats for hours and video calls. We speak and plan about meeting up all the time, after lockdown . What do you think? Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Iwalkinmyclothing Tue 19-May-20 10:09:23

I think I would ask him! It does sound to me like somewhere between fwb and proper relationship but unless you ask him how will you know what he means?

SnuggyBuggy Tue 19-May-20 10:11:50

It could mean several things. I know some people who have been divorced and just want a regular date night type partner but not want to remarry or move someone in because they prefer living alone or have kids they don't want to involve.

stoptheworldiwannagetoff Tue 19-May-20 10:13:40

It sounds like he wants all the perks of a relationship without any of the commitment or team effort. I would be querying how many women he had such an arrangement with. I have absolutely no judgement btw, I enjoyed many single years and played the field, and did not want to be in official relationships for a long time. The key thing is to never assume you are the only one and to always play safe.

Try to stay somewhat disconnected from it, if you being to develop feelings (which it already sounds like you are), its destined to have problems. These things rarely work if one person is more involved than the other.

OneandTwenty Tue 19-May-20 10:15:20

It's up to you. If you are happy with different relationships with various people and absolutely refuse to commit, that will work.
If you want a relationship despite someone clearly telling you from the start it won't be one, it will end up in --your- tears.

Not sure why you didn't ask him what he meant exactly by "plus one", ask him now.

He could mean absolutely anything and everything frankly, from the official "gf" that doesn't live with him but is still official, to the one who goes with him to "plus one" events whilst you and I are happy to have other partners on the side.

cosytoaster Tue 19-May-20 10:16:06

I think you're probably right in your assumption but you should ask him, it's a fair enough question and best to be totally clear about expectations (eg. will you both be free to see others).

raspberryk Tue 19-May-20 10:16:11

Someone he can take to weddings and work events but not actually commit to?

Ajollygoodwrap Tue 19-May-20 10:17:06

I could be wrong, I'd ask him to be clear but I read "plus one" as one would have when invited to an event. So it could mean FwB but also someone to be his date/gf/partner when needed and vice versa. Meaning, the relationship won't be as serious as people may assume but would be nice to know you always have a plus one.

hourglasses Tue 19-May-20 10:20:46

He is a young widower with two young kids and works full time. He has no support other than paid child care so he doesnt want to commit to a full Relationship as he simply can't but would like to do activities like a gig or film and date nights a couple of nights per month.
I was thinking that he may be dressing it up
As a fwb situation and as I don't really know him, I wasn't sure what to think.
He said that while he didn't want a full
Relationship , he would like the emotional and physical closeness of one , hence the plus one comment .

OP’s posts: |
hourglasses Tue 19-May-20 10:23:14

No there would be no other people
Involved. Exclusive but casual and uncommitted I guess?

OP’s posts: |
ConstanceSalinger Tue 19-May-20 10:29:24

What do you want from the next few years, are you looking for a relationship and or to stay single forever?

If you eventually want marriage, children, then don't waste any time on this man, he's been very clear and truthful with you.

If you are a committed singleton and also want date nights etc then go for it but don't be cross if he never changes his stance.

I'd be more bothered about the <friends >fwb situation being exclusive. What if you meet someone who does want a full time relationship?

Ajollygoodwrap Tue 19-May-20 10:31:14

Yes that's basically it then. Plus one - someone he can go these places with when he can - and vice versa - and it won't be seen as random by the person. An agreed type of arranged relationship. If it's something you like too, then that should work. Although I can see it would work better for him since he may not always free when you are. Still always best to ask to be on the same page.

Fairyliz Tue 19-May-20 10:34:41

He wants a regular shag but trying to word it a little more delicately, possibly as he has children he’s a little bit older and not quite so coarse as a younger man.
If that’s what you want fine, but don’t go into it expecting more.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese Tue 19-May-20 10:35:55

Sounds like he wants a companion, especially if he's a widower.
I think he's looking for someone to hang out with, to attend events with him etc

I'd discuss it with him to confirm that what he wants first, but if that works for you, I don't see a problem with it.

CovidicusRex Tue 19-May-20 10:39:20

Sounds like he just wants a fwb that is actually a friend (as opposed to just a shag partner). In his position I’d probably want the same. It’s good that he’s been up front but you really need to think about what you need out of a relationship. If you want to get married and have children anytime this decade he’s not your guy. If you’re just looking for a fairly casual lover then it looks like you’ve found your match, just be sure to make sure he’s not married.

AdaColeman Tue 19-May-20 10:45:06

Sounds as though he’d like a FWB, but wants to dress it up a bit, so it sounds more like an actual relationship, and less like the rather selfish experience he desires.

AllAboutHallowsEve Tue 19-May-20 10:48:32

Sounds to me that he wants a regular shag and someone to go to things with, like cinema, dinner etc, but he doesn't want to fall in love with you (or you him) or necessarily be monogamous. He might not introduce you to his family and friends. I think you should have a full and frank conversation with him.

Itisbetter Tue 19-May-20 10:49:50

He wants someone to go to parties with, but not to be part of his life.

returnofthecat Tue 19-May-20 10:50:18

To me, it means someone you can bring to events when a plus one is required for social acceptability reasons (e.g. parties, weddings, etc) and you might be exclusive and you might even sleep together, but that's as far as it will ever go (i.e. you won't move in together, you won't get married, you won't have children).

Actually, it sounds fairly appealing to me at this stage in life. I want a plus one!

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite Tue 19-May-20 10:51:01

My initial reaction was that all he wanted was a companion of the opposite sex to go out with. No commitment whatsoever.

Now that you mention date nights and, particularly the emotional and physical closeness of a relationship, I think he doesn't know what he wants.

The physical closeness suggests a fwb situation but the emotional closeness perhaps contradicts that. I think he is confused. As he is widowed, I think he needs to take as much time as he needs to work out what he wants. I'd move on and find someone who is ready for a full relationship.

AriadnesFilament Tue 19-May-20 10:52:19

I take that to mean no moving in or even talk of it, no marriage or even talk of it, no meeting the children or even talk of it, BUT no other people on the scene so exclusive to each other, there will be a connection and conversation and enjoyment of each other’s company with shared interests and a bond to potentially last over a long period of time because he’s looking for companionship, not just a FWB type situation.

He’s being honest - given his current situation - about what he can and cannot commit to upfront so he doesn’t mislead you.

ravenmum Tue 19-May-20 10:53:29

I wouldn't get too invested while it's all online ... fine if you're both a bit bored and want someone to talk to, but don't put too much of your heart into it.
A plus-one sounds to me, too, like you would go out to parties or other events, but with no promises for the future or expectation that you'll be moving in any time soon. So not just sex, but not as involved as having a live-out boyfriend.
What it actually turns into in practice is a whole different issue.

zingally Tue 19-May-20 10:53:59

Sounds like he wants the perks and companionship a relationship brings, without the day-to-day commitment.
I'd interpret "plus one" as meaning he'd like someone who is willing/able to accompany him to things, such as a trip to the theatre, or to a wedding. Basically someone to go on dates with, and have fun with, but then everyone goes to their own home at the end of the night.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend Tue 19-May-20 10:54:02

You posted about this guy a few weeks ago. Why do you think the answers will be any different today?

Rightbutno Tue 19-May-20 10:57:34

I can't see how this will work in reality to be honest.

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