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To tell my dads new gf he's abusive

(83 Posts)
Teaandbiscuitsdaily Mon 18-May-20 20:31:10

So a year and a half ago my dads wife had an affair, they tried to work it would be 6 weeks later he ended up loosing his temper and released an attack on her breaking her nose and causing injury to her face which resulted to 5 months in prison. He stopped because my little sisters barged in. He even admitted himself that if my sisters didn't barge in he could've ended up killing her because he had flipped into a fit of rage and only snapped out of it when the kids disrupted him

This is not an isolated incident tho, 10 years earlier he has broken my step mums arm and beat her up a few times but seemed to have changed and nothing for 10 years

Before that he had inficlicted serious domestic violence on my mum including strangling in front of us children, he ran her over and multiple other incidents of pure torture.

It's really hard for me as I have a lot of emotional issues myself possibly caused by the violence and mind games I endured from my father myself

He is proud to admit he is the master of mind games. Although I am now realising there are many things I do not like about my dad and he has even tried to ruin my own relationship.

He has been in a new relationship with a women for around 2 months. He has admitted to her about the incident a year and a half ago that lead to his incarceration but nothing else and they seem so happy...may I add he was in prison 23 years ago for cutting someone up with a Stanley blade.

I feel so torn as to whether I should tell her and rein holy hell on my own life because I know my father is capable of it and will she even take note or act on love is blind.

I want to protect her but I will admit part of this is for me to dish him what he's done.

Should I leave well alone or should I tell her?


OP’s posts: |
Majorcollywobble Mon 18-May-20 20:34:15

Please stay out of it .
You’ve written yourself a rescuer script and survived a lot yourself - don’t do any more as it may rebound on you . X

66redballons Mon 18-May-20 20:40:54

Stay well out of their business. She is a grow who you always already knows about his prison sentence for DV. If she decides to stay with that knowledge it’s her mistake.

66redballons Mon 18-May-20 20:41:30

“Grown up “

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal Mon 18-May-20 20:43:42

I think you should tell her. If he kills her/seriously maims her and she never knew how bad he really was then if it was me i couldn't live with that.

1Morewineplease Mon 18-May-20 20:47:32

Tell her.. she needs to be protected from a violent bully.

Stingeray Mon 18-May-20 20:47:44

If you can find some way of telling her without her knowing it was you then definitely do. Especially if you can provide hard proof. Otherwise think very very carefully about the impact this might have on you and your mental health. Shes already stayed despite one massive bright red flag being waved in her face.. she might not listen

Dislocatedeyeballs Mon 18-May-20 20:52:11

ERM why r people telling you to stay out of it? There was a programme the other night about domestic violence and one of the women said had she known about Hus past she would never have co tinued the relationship and Nor would she have ended up in hospital almost dead after having her face stamped on by loving boyfriend who just flipped. You should Absolutely tell her every woman has the right to know what they are getting into. Your dad won't like it but tough shit your mum didn't like being beaten by him either did she. Please please warn her she can make her own decisions but if she doesn't see this side of him now she might well find it harder to leave when it does happen there is a law where you can find out about dv backgrounds think its called Claire's law (might be wrong) your dad sounds like he is never going to change so do the right thing

DuchessOfSofa Mon 18-May-20 20:53:46


You shouldnt even know any of this.

Please distance yourself.

HoneysuckIejasmine Mon 18-May-20 20:56:15

Tell her. He probably lied about the exact circumstances of his prison time.

BobbyTheVetIsMyHero Mon 18-May-20 20:56:21

Can you give her information anonymously?

AnnaNimmity Mon 18-May-20 20:56:55

ime people don't believe you and you end up getting dragged in.

i told, and even though the police were involved, the gf (who he went out before me too) chooses to believe I'm lying (or he's changed - she switches). And this is even though he attacked her too, even putting his hands round her neck, pushing her down the stairs.

In my case, when he was hitting me, he was shouting the gfs name out - I truly think he will kill her - (I have never seen such hatred - it was terrifying) - she still chooses to think he's amazing, and also to put her dd at risk. It think it's crazy, but I learned my lesson.

The rescuer thing resonates with me. Stay out of it that's my advice.

CrotchetyQuaver Mon 18-May-20 20:57:20

I can see why you want her know 😱
Would an anonymous letter listing the offences in date order and punishment/prison sentences work?
I'd say it was absolutely crucial he doesn't find out the information came from you so if you're in any doubt at all then Id think very carefully about maybe saying nothing.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock Mon 18-May-20 20:58:48

Only if you really want to AND you are willing and able to cope with the backlash. You need to really consider the possible outcomes of telling her and the effects on your life/wellbeing/mental health.
She might.

1.believe you and run
2.believe you and stay because he's changed/she's special bla bla bla
3. Not believe you
4. Not believe you and turn on you

Plus the likelihood of most scenarios ending with your father knowing.

You are not responsible for this woman's life, safety or wellbeing.

If anything happens to her that's on him.

PotholeParadise Mon 18-May-20 20:59:19

Was there any newspaper coverage of the offences?

wildcherries Mon 18-May-20 20:59:26

He sounds awful! I'd be worried he'd lash out at you physically if he found out you told her. She doesn't need the whole sordid history, but I would get some information to her somehow. He sounds like a ticking time-bomb. Crazy.

nancyjuice7 Mon 18-May-20 20:59:50

Call 101 state your concerns and if the Police deem it appropriate they will complete a Clare's Law disclosure.
Therefore you are kept out of it but the women involved is disclosed too and can make an informed choice.

All the people saying stay out of other people's business (?!) That is why 2 women a week are murdered by their partners angry

Ariela Mon 18-May-20 21:00:18

If you ever get a chance to chat to her on her own, I'd consider saying to her that you know your Dad better than anyone, and know his anger issues aren't just a one-off and that you just wanted to let her know she can always call you if she needs help or to get away.

Then if she asks for more info you can tell her

Chloemol Mon 18-May-20 21:01:00

You should tell her, and those that day say mind your own business should be ashamed of themselves. They are enabling his behaviour to continue and I bet if it was their daughter who was the girlfriend they would be really upset if someone who knew what he was like hadn’t warned them and they got beaten

I couldn’t live with myself if I knew someone was like this and didn’t warn the girlfriend and she got hurt

nancyjuice7 Mon 18-May-20 21:01:42

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock Mon 18-May-20 21:01:48

I told someone too. She said he told her all about it but it was the ex gf's fault because she did x,y,z and it was my fault for getting involved. She married him.

Windyatthebeach Mon 18-May-20 21:02:13

Could you speak to her alone? Tell her factually or suggest she speaks to the police.

Winterwoollies Mon 18-May-20 21:04:54

I would tell her, she deserves to know and he sounds appalling, but then leave the pair of them to it. Do not get drawn into it. Save yourself but do make an attempt to save her too

AnnaNimmity Mon 18-May-20 21:11:07

well Chloemol, I warned the gf, and although she initially believed me, eventually she called me a liar. A pyschopath even. I did what I thought was right because she had a young child, and it backfired massively. She has no compunction putting herself before the child and believing him - which is incredible to me - why would anyone take any risk with their children? - but it was so damaging to me to live through it all again. So the OP can get involved, but be prepared for it to backfire. You can only control yourself, not other people.

Iloveplacentas Mon 18-May-20 21:14:12

Can you do Claire’s law on behalf of someone else? I think the police need to make the new girlfriend aware.

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