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I’m starting to think I might have to end my marriage

(158 Posts)
SquishyBones Mon 18-May-20 19:02:05

Been married 4 years. Together 8 years.

Our lives together are depressing to be honest. We don’t do anything. Even before lockdown we would just sit around the house all weekend. He plays computer game. Tonight he finished work at 4:30 and has been sat on the computer in another room ever since. I’ve just heard him now chatting away to an American guy while I’m sat in here on my own. We don’t have sex anymore (because he doesn’t come to bed until after midnight as he’s back on his game once I go to bed).

My life consists of getting up at 6am Monday to Thursday. Going to work. Getting home at lunch time. Walking the dog and then ... nothing. I feel that if I lived on my own I wouldn’t feel so bored and lonely as stupid as it sounds.

Thursday night I start drinking ... and I drink heavily throughout the weekend through sheer boredom. I know it’s not his job to entertain me but surely the point of being married is to enjoy each other’s company?

My aunt has just started divorce proceedings and she’s just secured tenancy on her own house. I’m actually jealous. I would love to live alone.

My problem is I don’t have a secure job (I’m bank staff for nhs) and I have a beloved dog that I simply must take with me. Or could I get him to leave??? Buy him out somehow??

I’ve just had enough now. I’ve well and truly had enough.

OP’s posts: |
Twigletfairy Mon 18-May-20 19:05:57

That sounds miserable. I would end it too. Relationships are supposed to bring you happiness

MiniCooperLover Mon 18-May-20 19:08:05

That sounds so dreary, I'm sorry. How old are you? Doesn't sound as if children are involved? Make it clear to him umpire seriously considering divorce. If he isn't shocked enough to change then do it!

Cam2020 Mon 18-May-20 19:13:36

Life's too short to be miserable. Have you spoken to your husband at all about how you feel? Is this how you feel generally i.e pre lockdown or is being magnified by the current situation? I'd definitely be thinking about increasing work hours or changing job to have financial independence if that's at all possible for you?

evrey Mon 18-May-20 19:16:26

Life is to short to stay where you are not happy . Feeling lonely in your marriage is soul destroying. I would get some legal advice to explore your options.

DeeCeeCherry Mon 18-May-20 19:16:31

Why don't you suggest going out somewhere? Ok it's lockdown now but you could go to the park at least. Or chill listening to music or watching TV together. Just asking as you've made it sound as if you're sitting in resentment. If you've asked and he's not interested then that's another story

begoniapot Mon 18-May-20 19:17:41

You need to get a permanent job, then you will be eligible for a mortgage fairly quickly

BubblyBarbara Mon 18-May-20 19:17:58

Why don’t you live as if you were living alone? He is. You get the benefits of sharing the costs and you both get your own lifestyles. What else would you be doing if alone? You can just live as roommates.

PowerStruggle Mon 18-May-20 19:18:01

Presumably you’ve tried to bring this up with him?

BubblyBarbara Mon 18-May-20 19:19:53

I mean personally I think if you don’t already have your own hobbies like reading, crafts, games, TV or whatever then how likely are you to have any if living alone? Then you’ll just be looking for another man to fill your hours. Find your own life in the situation you are now and stop relying on him and hoping that living alone will solve everything

ichifanny Mon 18-May-20 19:37:39

Can you not get a permanent post ? There are loads of jobs in the NHS . I would leave what’s the point of being with someone who games all the time .

happyjack12 Mon 18-May-20 19:47:26

Hi, have you spoken to him about this? what does he think? might you both want to work things out, or is it over?

is there a reason you can't get a permanent position and / or work full time?- both will help with mortgage /house situation.

Mydoglicksplates Mon 18-May-20 19:48:29

I really believe the greatest loneliness is living with a partner who you know longer connect with. Do you have children? If not just leave, anything is better than this. If you do, like me, make your plans. I have to wait a few more years but I will be gone.

Rightbutno Mon 18-May-20 19:49:06

Have you talked to your husband about these issues?

MumofBees Mon 18-May-20 19:49:07

What are your hobbies? Could you try that together?

Have you ever tried gaming? Maybe you could play something together. There are unlimited games out there, for all tastes.

Gaming can be quite addictive too, and maybe if you aren't able to come up with an alternative entertainment it seems fair to me that he spends his down time doing what he enjoys.

Sure, don't stay married if you aren't happy, but you being bored isn't really his job to fix.

Sumsuch Mon 18-May-20 19:49:37

He games, you drink.

What are you both avoiding?

StellaDelMare Mon 18-May-20 19:49:55

My husband is the same, we have been married since last year.

The thing I am glad about is that when we bought our house I said no TVs in any room but the living room, so he has to make sure he isn't hogging the TV with the Xbox as it's the only one there for me to watch!
I'm pretty happy enough getting on with my own thing but we do communicate and he's happy to come off his games when I ask him to spend time with me.

Is there any way you could have a discussion about making more effort in the relationship? Even if it's starting a TV series together with some snacks and a drink, you will be able to at least get into that together during lockdown? Making time for each other that way? Or going for a walk?

I feel like men can be so oblivious so any issues unless they are told straight!

icansmellburningleaves Mon 18-May-20 19:50:21

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. He sounds like some kind of man child! What kind of adult spends hours on end on a computer game. It sounds like he doesn’t want to be part of the whole being a grown up thing. I don’t blame you for wanting to end your marriage. I would go and seek legal advice. Most solicitors will give you an hours free legal advice. Good luck 💐

Mrsmadevans Mon 18-May-20 19:52:35

I don't honestly know OP it's pretty dire being married to someone who drinks 'heavily' four days of the week tbh. I don't see how you can blame him, he isn't forcing you to buy it and drink it is he?

Littlepoppet1 Mon 18-May-20 19:53:08

You don’t say if you have spoken with him? Have you told him how you’re feeling? I think you would be unfair to start divorce proceedings without even giving him the chance to rectify things.

MumofBees Mon 18-May-20 19:55:07

Also people suggesting he is a man child for playing games is ridiculous.

How much time do you spend watching TV? Or watching films? Or even reading a book?

Gaming is just another form of entertainment.

june2007 Mon 18-May-20 19:56:36

So he has a hobby, but you don,t seem to. Find something you can do, help out with a food bank, Sewing, drawing, cooking. Evening class for leisure learning, volunteer with a charity??

tiredybear Mon 18-May-20 19:57:30

Why did you marry him?
When did this new pattern start? Has it always been like this and you thought he would change or is it actually a new habit?
What does he say when you talk to him about it?
If you are unhappy with the amount you are drinking, stop. If you can't, go and see your GP for support. For me, the drinking is a seperate issue.
Life should definitely be better than that and you deserve to be happy, but i think you need to understand where/why it's gone wrong and try to fix it before going your seperate wasy - you did decide to marry him after all!

TryingToBeBold Mon 18-May-20 20:00:04

Also people suggesting he is a man child for playing games is ridiculous

Exactly. People have their preferred hobbies and vices.
Plenty of adults game.

amazedmummy Mon 18-May-20 20:04:16

My husband games but the difference is he doesn't do it to the exclusion of our relationship. He gets up with DS in the morning, feeds him and when he takes his nap he plays a game for a bit. If it's one I like the look of he'll play once I'm up too and I shout out "helpful" suggestions. He doesn't shut himself away for hours on end playing his games and ignoring us.

OP I couldn't be doing with this and drinking heavily won't be helping you either. If he can't buck his ideas up and start spending some time with you then leaving probably wouldn't be a bad idea imo.

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