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DM and work

(16 Posts)
silverliningclouds Mon 18-May-20 11:33:13

Name changed for this as potentially outing! This may be a long one!

DM has always been controlling. I honestly don’t think she realises she does it but it is there all the time. When DS was born she was all over him and looked after him a number of times when he got to 4mo till 5mo when I was doing KIT days or myself and DH needed to go shopping. She was fine to start with but towards the end DS used to cry if we left him. She said it upset her too much and she couldn’t look after him anymore.

I was supposed to go back to work when DS was 7mo. We had a nursery chosen (paid deposit) and DH would look after one day a week whilst working from home and Mil and Fil another day. I explained this to DM when she asked and she flipped out saying how dare I say she can’t look after her grandchild but parents in law can. I calmly explained that as she had said she couldn’t look after DS I hadn’t thought to ask again but Mil and Fil had offered. She didn’t speak to me for a week and when she did she said I’m an awful mum for leaving my child that young and I would be responsible for anything that went wrong etc and how could I abandon him. I was suffering with anxiety at the time so I said to work I couldn’t come back and cancelled the nursery place.

Fast forward and I have a job interview coming up in 3 weeks time. It is an amazing opportunity for me if I get it and would help is financially. I spoke to DM and she said that she would like to discuss the possibility of looking after DS FT and leaving her job. We spoke about it and I spoke to DH and agreed that it would be much appreciated. 2 weeks later she decides she doesn’t want to do it anymore. I was a bit fucked off as it had been the reason I’d applied so early to the position but got over it. We found a couple of childminders online who look lovely (obviously cannot meet them in real life yet) and again DH and parents in law offered to do a day each. DM also says she may be able to do half a day (no good to us at all but we went along with it). I’ve explained this to her again about possible arrangements and once again she’s flipped that how can I say that my parents in law are better than her etc and how could I leave my child he will be heartbroken etc.

I’m so upset. I don’t know what to do about the job interview as I don’t want to let my child down but I do want to be able to give him a much much more comfortable life financially.

I know I may not even get the job so all this worrying will be for nothing but you never know!

AIBU to do the interview and potentially get the job?

OP’s posts: |
Quicklittlenamechange Mon 18-May-20 11:36:16

Just ignore her and carry on with your plans.
Dont give her anymore info atm.
Just tell her whats happening when its all sorted.
She sounds awful

coffeeandpyjamas Mon 18-May-20 11:40:25

Honestly, your mother is causing you a huge amount of unnecessary stress. Just because she’s your mum doesn’t give her the right to treat you like shit. Ignore her, go very low contact and go for this amazing job opportunity you have!

I went back to work when my DS was 5 months and he is fine for it!

user1487194234 Mon 18-May-20 11:40:37

If you want to work it is your decision,just ignore your mother.

It is all about the control,if you say you are never going to work she would probably criticise you for that.

My aunt ( I know !) was very critical of my decision to go back to work,and sent me a few cheeky txts and complained to my mum and sister

I phoned her and sent politely that I was going back to work ,it was my decision and I didn't want to hear any more about it
And I haven't !

Antipodeancousin Mon 18-May-20 11:41:18

You absolutely must go to the interview and try your best to get the job. It will be good for you and your family and you clearly want to work. Ignore your ‘D’M, she is not acting rationally. I think she probably doesn’t cope that well with a whole day and letting your ILs look after DS makes her feel guilty. I doubt she really thinks you’re a bad mother returning to work, not that it matters.

TeaAndHobnob Mon 18-May-20 11:44:53

Get a grip and stop involving your mum in decisions you make about your family. She's let you down so you can't rely on her. End of.

I can't believe you let your mum cause you to give up your job! Let that be the end of all this nonsense. Good luck for the interview.

zscaler Mon 18-May-20 11:46:46

Go for the job interview and ignore your DM, who is being wildly unreasonable. You have great solutions which don’t involve her at all, so press on with them and if she sulks just tell her you aren’t willing to discuss it.

Good luck! I’m sure you’ll be grand flowers

iano Mon 18-May-20 11:49:09

You're putting your life on hold because your mum is jealous of your in laws!
Go to the interview, get the job and don't worry about her. She's a drama queen and frankly chances are she'd make for unreliable childcare. Her need to compete with the in-laws could negatively affect your DS.
You do your thing and leave her to her strange drama

SabrinaTheTeenageBitch Mon 18-May-20 11:55:10

I would go very low contact if I was you. Im no contact with my mother now and I've never looked back but I appreciate that isnt for everyone (and she had zero redeeming qualities) but I remember the awful feeling of being in these kind of situations. Ignore her, go for the job and let her continue her nonsense herself. She will either realise its getting her nowhere and start acting like an adult or not but either way the problem is NOT yours. Good luck in the interview thanks

Iloveacurry Mon 18-May-20 12:03:00

Just ignore her. Let your ILs have the baby one day a week - they offered! Your DH for one, then child minder for the remaining 3. Your DM is being ridiculous. She obviously can’t cope with your child and told you so. She can’t dictate where your child can go!

Thatnameistaken Mon 18-May-20 12:09:22

Take her out of the equation. Go for the job, sort out child care arrangements without taking your mum into account, shes way too flaky. Then once you're in a routine of working she could always do the odd day when it suits you.
You cant put your life on hold because of this.

5foot5 Mon 18-May-20 12:12:48

Your 'D'M has proved herself to be totally unreliable and unsupportive. Take no more notice of her idiotic ramblings. Go for that interview and good luck to you. If you get the job and go back to work do not under any circumstances include her in your child care plans or even discuss them with her unless she asks. If she takes the hump again then be as arsey with her as she is with you and point out that she has caused you so much stress on this matter that you no longer want to rely on her.

CoronaMoaner Mon 18-May-20 12:12:50

I don’t understand why you are consulting her at every stage? She’s let you down once, you know she’ll do it again.
Your child needs consistency and you need people you can rely on.
To be completely honest I wouldn’t be splitting his care between a CM, a parent and 2 sets of grandparents. In my own experience it would be far too complicated, especially if one is unwell. Who would be your back up?
Just something to consider.
Personally I wouldn’t factor your DM into arrangements at all.

CuppaZa Mon 18-May-20 12:15:37

Your mother is a fruit loop. Seriously, don’t listen to her, you do what’s best for your family and don’t involve her

silverliningclouds Mon 18-May-20 12:24:57

Thank you all. It's all up in the air at the moment anyway because of covid but if we can just have childminder and DH that would be a bonus (my in laws are also available the day DH works from home so we have a good back up)

OP’s posts: |
SeasonFinale Mon 18-May-20 12:38:28

Go for the interview, get the job and make sure any plans for childcare do not include your mother. Even if she agrees she does want to do a day a week or two she will constantly cancel leaving you in it.

If she wants a day now and then fine but never actually rely on her as first choice for any working day.

If she causes a scene call her out on how many times she has changed her mind.

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