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To ask DD dad to look after her Mon-Fri

(60 Posts)
Ginnyrellas Mon 18-May-20 11:20:18

My daughter is 9 years old and her dad lives a 35 min drive away from us. One week before lock down i started a new job and I’ve just been given the opportunity to really get my foot in the door with the company in a different position that could really change my career, something that can give us a better life after all the hard work.
That’s not an issue now, but when my DH gets asked to go back to work (he is currently furloughed) and is in the manufacturing industry so it could be any point. I’m going to struggled to do the hours required because of a change in school hours. My DD would normally attend breakfast club and after school clubs.
DD father and his wife are unemployed and although we all get on really well, I’ve never received a penny in maintaince.
Would IBU to ask her dad to have her mon-fri while all this is going on while I pursue this? Or would that make me a terrible mother by putting my career first?

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Ginnyrellas Mon 18-May-20 11:23:12

I must add this is just until schooling returns to normal, this isn’t permanent

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TweetUsOnFacebook Mon 18-May-20 11:24:23

Would your dd be happy with that arrangement? How often she she see her dad at the moment?

helpmum2003 Mon 18-May-20 11:24:44

Totally reasonable.

Ginnyrellas Mon 18-May-20 11:26:17

She goes to her dads every weekend. My suggestion is that we swap so I then have her every weekend while I’m not working.

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timeisnotaline Mon 18-May-20 11:26:29

Seems reasonable to me. You could encourage him by saying if he can’t you will have to apply for maintenance to cover some of the babysitting fees you will incur (why hasn’t he paid?)

Ginnyrellas Mon 18-May-20 11:27:36

He hasn’t paid because we don’t really need the money and it’s easier to just play nice for DD sake than fight over money. They need it more than we do.

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Frazzled2207 Mon 18-May-20 11:28:20

Seems reasonable if dc is happy although if he gets a job it might make things complicated. Why has he never paid? Fair enough If unemployed but never?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 18-May-20 11:28:59

Absoloutley no issues from me- one parent needs to work, the other doesn't work.

It's a no brainer who then does the childcare.

AntiHop Mon 18-May-20 11:29:09

Sounds very reasonable.

Nottherealslimshady Mon 18-May-20 11:29:11

Totally reasonable.

Frazzled2207 Mon 18-May-20 11:30:24

Have you suggested it to him? I think it’s entirely reasonable although any chance he might ask for extra money to cover food etc-
Not entirely unreasonable of him if he’s unemployed and you are and presumably you normally spend a fair bit on wraparound care

Ginnyrellas Mon 18-May-20 11:30:26

He won’t get another job. Hes a great dad but he doesn’t have the drive to work. Nor does his Wife. DD loves being with her dad they have a great relationship. Plus she has her little sister there now she can spend time with rather than being on her own at our houses

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Ginnyrellas Mon 18-May-20 11:31:43

I’d just feel utterly selfish having to send her there but at the same time i know that this will make such a big impact on our quality of life after.

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Frazzled2207 Mon 18-May-20 11:31:50

Not ever? Oh dear that’s not good. Presumably part of why he’s an ex dp.
Do people really not have any drive to work at all?

Anyway it seems like short term it could be the best solution if Everyone is happy

Ginnyrellas Mon 18-May-20 11:32:22

@Frazzled2207 I’ve offered to pay him some money for extra food and treats etc

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7Worfs Mon 18-May-20 11:34:02

I’d send her Mon-Thur.
Give this opportunity all you’ve got, do 12 hours a day if you must, but slow down on Friday and prolong the weekend.

user1471447863 Mon 18-May-20 11:41:49

If you do do it i would expect you to be paying the correct amount of maintenance, not just 'some extra money'.

It is also disgusting that he is able to just choose to never work because he doesn't fancy it.

cstaff Mon 18-May-20 11:44:47

Why would she pay maintenance when he never has.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake Mon 18-May-20 11:45:14

If you do this, he may become the main parent and you will have to pay maintenance

Antipodeancousin Mon 18-May-20 11:50:25

Some considerations that spring to my mind:

- he will be entitled to claim maintenance from you, if he isn’t well off he may well decide to do this
- your daughters main residence will then be her dad’s house, so if he later decides he doesn’t want to miss out on every single weekend he could potentially take you to court and you could end up with an EOW arrangement (it’s not considered great for the resident parent to only see the child on school days)
- whether this arrangement will suit DD as she reaches puberty, e.g. is he good at talking openly about such things and is she comfortable sharing with him? (I had a childhood friend with a single dad and they had a fabulous open relationship so this was never an issue but some men wouldn’t be so competent!)

I actually think your suggestion is very reasonable and would mean your DD has more quality time with both of her parents.

CertainGecko Mon 18-May-20 11:50:42

I reckon he sounds like the type who would pursue you through CMS too, if he's never going to work. He'll see this as an extra meal ticket in the benefit system. And him not paying you will be no excuse for you to not pay. If you're happy to do that, crack on, but it would stick in my throat if I were you.

IndecentFeminist Mon 18-May-20 12:16:37

I would, but would pick her up each day so it was more like childcare and less like her moving in.

OhTheGeese Mon 18-May-20 12:18:35

@YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake CMS will only accept a court order as proof of how many nights DD spends in each home. DD's father would therefore need to get a court order to that effect. Unlikely since it's a temporary measure in any case

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 18-May-20 12:18:55

There is still some wrap around care available - if you speak to your hub school provider they can put you in touch with them.

If you think she’d have a better time there I’d be inclined to do that rather than send her to her (feckless) dad.

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