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To expect some recognition

(96 Posts)
thegreenmachine Mon 18-May-20 06:03:21

From my husband for doing everything bar the washing up at home.

He point blank refuses to acknowledge my contribution to running our home and making his life easier.

I am, however, criticised pretty quickly though when I make a mistake. Even if he doesn't criticise, he will comment.

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Shoxfordian Mon 18-May-20 06:15:03

Why do you do everything?

RedRed9 Mon 18-May-20 06:16:59

Stop doing everything?

3rdNamechange Mon 18-May-20 06:17:06

Stop doing it all. He'll soon get the message when he's hungry and run out of clean pants.

thegreenmachine Mon 18-May-20 06:19:46

Because last year I suffered a bereavement that meant I gave up my job to run my family business. This means I have more flexibility with my time and now work everyday but not all day and I work from home a lot which he seems to think means I have nothing to do.

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thegreenmachine Mon 18-May-20 06:20:56

He gets really angry if I stop doing it. He won't speak to me and tells me I'm unreasonable.

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maddening Mon 18-May-20 06:22:48

Ltb,. He sounds awful, I could not live like that.

Shoxfordian Mon 18-May-20 06:23:10

Are you even happy with him? Doesn't sound like he's a very good partner

RedRed9 Mon 18-May-20 06:24:35

And you’re with him because...?

If it were me I’d sit down rationally and calmly to talk about dividing the chores. Does that sound like something he can do?

ivfgottostaypositive Mon 18-May-20 06:31:19

What kind of recognition do you want???
What is his working hours etc? Hard to provide an opinion with so little facts

thegreenmachine Mon 18-May-20 06:33:07

I've tried talking to him. Explained I'm happy to do things but don't expect to be taken for granted.

I realise this approach isn't working because he point blank refuses to acknowledge my contribution.

The trouble is that I've done everything for so long, that if I stop doing something like his washing, then he sees it as tit for tat and then inevitably something crops up, like my car breaking down and then he makes me feel guilty when he helps me.

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thegreenmachine Mon 18-May-20 06:39:32

He works about 35 - 40 hours a week with no commute. I work the same including my commute.

He helps out in my family business once a week on a weekend but makes a big deal about his help and what he does. He has really helped me at the weekends and done all those odd jobs that I can't do and that it's so difficult to find someone to do. I'm grateful to him. I was dropped in at the deep end with the business and I'm glad he's helping me.

But he refuses to acknowledge that without me doing the 12 hours of housework, cooking, shopping, paying the bills etc etc. life at home would be very different for him.
I do see it as a fair swap but he seems to want me to be soooo grateful to him whilst completing disregarding my contribution.

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RedRed9 Mon 18-May-20 06:40:10

I've tried talking to him. Explained I'm happy to do things but don't expect to be taken for granted.

He sounds like a dick for the other things but this comment says a lot about you. Don’t explain that you’re happy to do everything, tell him that you want to divide things up more fairly. As soon as he starts missing out or starts having to pull his weight more then he’ll clock how much you were doing.

ivfgottostaypositive Mon 18-May-20 06:52:21

12 hours of housework, cooking, shopping, paying the bills etc etc

A week?

endofthelinefinally Mon 18-May-20 06:52:51

He doesn't sound like he has your back.
I was a busy, capable person for many years.
Now my dh is my carer.
Not once has he complained or made me feel bad.
If the positions were reversed I would be the same.
If someone loves you, they treat you with kindness and appreciation.

CodenameVillanelle Mon 18-May-20 06:54:24

Well he's a misogynist isn't he? Are you expecting him to change??

GinDaddyRedux Mon 18-May-20 06:55:16

Where is his appreciation and respect for you as a person in your household?

I would confront him if you can and explain that you cannot do everything

Personally I can't stand men like this fwiw but I appreciate that's not helpful.

RhymesWithOrange Mon 18-May-20 06:57:42

Why are you with him? Do you have children?

dontdisturbmenow Mon 18-May-20 06:58:40

Usually recognition and gratefulness goes both ways. Is he the main earner now and therefore without him working his hours and income you wouldn't have the same life you have. If so, do you tell him the you are grateful for it.

If so, tgen yes, he should be grateful for what you do, bit if you consider him working just normal, then what you are doing for the family us just normal too.

thegreenmachine Mon 18-May-20 07:00:04

"Respect for me as a person in the household" Yes, that's it. I want to feel like we are a team. I do my bit, he does his. But I'm constantly expected to acknowledge his contribution whilst mine gets conveniently forgotten.

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anothernamechangeagain Mon 18-May-20 07:04:22

It doesn't sound like he's going to change so it's up to you what you want to do about it.

rwalker Mon 18-May-20 07:06:59

He goes out to work and you stay at home and work ( housework, cooking, shopping, paying the bills ).
Does he expect you to thank him for going to work .

LakieLady Mon 18-May-20 07:07:44

Get a cleaner. Buy in help to do the stuff he won't do. Feed him ready meals.

rwalker Mon 18-May-20 07:08:40

posted too soon
go back to work

thegreenmachine Mon 18-May-20 07:09:28

@dontdisturbmenow

No, we are equal earners and once private is granted I will be significantly wealthier.

I always tell him how grateful I am. I've told him he's been a life saver, one in a million. Tell him I really appreciate how he's helped me etc. Not all the time, (that would be weird) but every now and again. Basic manners and respect. And I do appreciate him. He has never done the same for me. If I point it out calmly, he either ignores me or huffs and puffs and get angry.

All he has to do is say "thanks" now and again or reciprocate when I tell him how much I appreciate him.

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