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Fall out with my mum.. AIBU?

(36 Posts)
HellOfATime919 Mon 18-May-20 01:30:38

Hi everyone,

Went to visit my mum 2 days ago with my 2 DC (4 and 8). My mums neighbors children were out playing and my children started joining in. I told both DC’s to play nice and practice social distancing otherwise we would be going home. Next thing you know, the DC’s are bickering amongst each other so I tell both of them to get in to the back garden immediately - as to which my DS8 has a total meltdown (very very loud shrieking/crying - he’s currently being assessed for autism but I don’t think that has any relevance). DS4 then starts crying and refusing to come away from next doors children. So at this stage I have two screaming children on my mums drive. I grab both of their hands and warn them if they don’t go into the back garden to calm down there will be consequences. My eldest then went to hit me as to which I warned him I No and he didn’t, so I eventually managed to get them both in the back garden.

I sat them down, told them off and said regardless of who started what that they were not to argue with people and certainly not to hit or scream at people. As you can imagine my DC’s were like “but he said, but she said”, but i was firm and told them no more messing about, to stay by me, calm down and we would be leaving shortly and to not go near next doors children. My mum then jumps in and starts shouting “you’re upsetting DC8 more now by telling him your going home, there’s no need to do that your winding him up, it wasn’t their fault it was next door neighbours children who started it”, I then told my mum not to undermine me and tell me how to discipline my children. At this point DC8 is still whaling very loudly and mum then turns to my eldest son - “Dont listen DC8, it’s okay, calm down now”. And I responded “Mum, do not get involved, I’ve told them off and that is that, I do not care who started what they do not react in this way”. Then my mum responded “fuck off” to me, in front of the DC’s. I was utterly gob smacked. I said “what gives you the right to swear at me in front of my children?!” And she goes “I’m sure it’s nothing they haven’t heard between you and DH before”. I ignored it, because I could have blew up, I got the children and went home. I haven’t even addressed what has happened but neither has she and is acting like it was nothing. My mum & dad used to have terrible arguments in front of me growing up and it was awful. They aren’t together anymore and haven’t been for years. Yet she thinks this type of behaviour is acceptable ? My grandma (her mum) died of cancer 3 weeks ago and the funeral is this Friday, so I don’t feel like I can approach the situation.

Ramble , I can’t sleep.

OP’s posts: |
Euclid Mon 18-May-20 02:35:40

Your mother is grieving for her mother and must be upset which may explain her somewhat irrational behaviour.

Bubblebee7 Mon 18-May-20 02:45:17

It’s a difficult situation if your mother has never sworn at you like that before then it’s probably just a one off even though it shouldn’t of happened. All kids have days like that, I think when your child went to hit you I would of marched the kids straight home. I think family do intervene when your disciplining your kids sometimes and it makes it harder (they think their helping). I’ve had my mother do the same it’s really annoying but I’m sure no harm is meant.

Yeahnahmum Mon 18-May-20 02:49:12

Your mum is behaving utterly ridiculous but surely that has to do with her mum passing away.

Maybe try talking to her on the phone when your kids are down for the night. Calmy talk about what happened and how it made you feel. Don't point any Blaming fingers because she sounds like she would just become angry. But yeah do talk about it. And ask if she is OK because she usually wouldn't respond the way she did. Her mum dying is not an excuse. But it is an explanation.

Mintjulia Mon 18-May-20 02:49:31

I’d take a deep breath and let it pass.

Your mum was totally out of order, but a lot of people are finding lockdown tough, and she’s grieving as well.
Just stay away from her for a week or so, let things calm down.

Lynda07 Mon 18-May-20 02:51:21

Euclid Mon 18-May-20 02:35:40
Your mother is grieving for her mother and must be upset which may explain her somewhat irrational behaviour.
........
I think what Euclid said is highly likely especially as you usually get on well with your mother. Try not to think of it any more - she may actually apologise, you never know.

What I don't understand is why you were allowing your children to play out at the front of the house in the first place (or the neighbours allowing theirs), or were you not planning on going inside, just speaking to 'mum' from a distance.

GrumpyHoonMain Mon 18-May-20 03:09:30

I think yabvu in letting your kids play with other kids when your focus should have been your grieving mum. She probably just wanted a bit of uncomplicated time with her GC.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays Mon 18-May-20 03:18:21

I think you were pretty hard on your children from the get go. Children bicker and your automatic reaction was to shout at them, demand they get inside and tell them to be quite when they try to explain what happened. You may have been giving them into trouble for something that wasn't their fault at all. In a child's eyes that's very unfair.
As for your mum, what she said wasn't great, but she was probably looking forward to seeing all of you and you turned up and made it a fight the moment you arrived because of a silly squabble between kids.

JennyJazz Mon 18-May-20 03:20:22

Don't do anything in anger that you might regret later. She was bang out of order as were you for letting your DC go next door to play with other children in the first place.

Sounds like tensions are high and everyone needs some cooling off.

HannaYeah Mon 18-May-20 03:58:37

She’s grieving so all bets are off.

Boulshired Mon 18-May-20 04:00:23

With the power of hindsight, the children should not have been allowed to play, it was asking too much of all children involved, it will take children time to readjust. You went to visit your grieving mum, whilst grieving yourself and ended up in an argument with your DCs. Let’s this one go especially with a funeral that will be also impacted.

Muppetry76 Mon 18-May-20 04:08:23

I disagree. OF COURSE she's grieving, yes lockdown is hard, but undermining my authority and telling me to fuck off would absolutely result in me doing so - in fact I'd take it as FOTTFSOFTFOSM.

Your mum has a history of this. Don't let your kids be exposed to this behaviour (interesting point though if what your mum says about you and dh arguing). It's not too big a jump from hearing granny say it to them repeating it at home or school.

It's a crazy world we're in, but nobody tells me to fuck off in front of my kids without some hard consequences.

Etinox Mon 18-May-20 05:55:36

And this is why it’s one member visiting in a public space 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also give your mum a break.

NerrSnerr Mon 18-May-20 08:15:13

I agree that she's grieving and you should let it go.

I also agree with PP, this is why they are still not advising that family groups mix and one person can meet one other in a public space because with all the best intentions the more people the harder it is to social distance.

HellOfATime919 Mon 18-May-20 10:29:05

We’ve seen my mum a few times since my gran passed, my mum was fine with my DC’s playing with next doors DC’s. We’ve all been socially distancing and there isn’t a problem with the DC’s playing together - especially when they’re going back to school in June. It’s just the fact the children started bickering and screaming amongst each other so I tried to sort the situation my own way, where she just jumped in and then told me to “fuck off”. I’m angry but the funeral is Friday so I’m not even going to mention it.

OP’s posts: |
WoeIsMee Mon 18-May-20 10:30:59

Have I missed something? We’re not allowed to go round to family’s houses and let the children play with next doors kids?

Ilovetea09 Mon 18-May-20 10:35:03

In this instance it sounds like your all very wound up and emotions will be running high so I would just act normally now or try to have a little chat with your mum and clear the air.
But your kids shouldn't have been playing with next doors kids (even if socially distanced) and also you shouldn't be at your mums because your mixing households!

Etinox Mon 18-May-20 10:42:46

You’re right not to mention it. Hope the funeral is as good as can be expected flowers

As an aside though-“my mum was fine with my DC’s playing with next doors DC’s”
It’s not up to your mum! The rules are one person out of your household 2 metres apart. Children can’t social distance. Schools Unions and the dept of Education and thrashing this out now and it’s probable schools won’t go back- the children definitely won’t be playing together.

AramintaLee Mon 18-May-20 10:45:15

Honestly? Life is too short. I would assume the recent loss of her mother and this current situation with the pandemic caused her uncharacteristic outburst. I would let it go on this occasion and put it down as a one off. She needs your support at this difficult time.

However, if this behaviour continues, I would probably try and have a calm conversation (without the kids present)

Good luck!

Herpesfreesince03 Mon 18-May-20 10:48:01

YABU for visiting family, letting your kids play with the neighbours kids during a pandemic, and failure to take them home after repeated warnings, especially when your child swung for you 😳

MouthBreathingRage Mon 18-May-20 10:53:13

Have I missed something? We’re not allowed to go round to family’s houses and let the children play with next doors kids?

I'm reading this thinking exactly the same thing hmm. The situation should never have occurred because the op shouldn't have been in her mum's house or her children playing with the neighbours.

However, it did happen. To be honest, I'd wait until after the funeral to say anything, but I'd not be impressed with anyone swearing at me in front of my children grieving or not. I'd avoid visiting with the children until lockdown is actually over (oh, and I'll be very surprised if the schools actually start in June!), and if that's really not possible then at least keep your kids apart from the neighbours so there won't be any 'bickering' (or spreading germs).

Lovely1a2b3c Mon 18-May-20 12:29:35

She was probably sad herself that you were leaving if she wanted to see you all.

3 weeks is nothing in terms of loss so she is probably struggling with grief at the moment.

CelestialSpanking Mon 18-May-20 12:40:12

Your mum is grieving for her mother so I’d definitely let it go.

As for your children’s behaviour, you say your eldest is being assessed for autism. What I’ve learnt from my own child who is a similar age and who has additional needs including autism, it’s when he’s struggling to communicate his feelings or explain what happened in his own words and isn’t able to (in this case because you’ve cut him off and shouted at him) it’s going to result in a Meltdown and he’s going to struggle to calm down from it. I’m not meaning to be patronising btw, I’ve just had to learn to do things differently over the years and that it’s important to let my son have his say even if it doesn’t always make much sense to me. I also have had to learn to give less of a shit about what other people think when they see my son have a meltdown.

Good luck with the assessment process and I’m sorry about your gran flowers

skyblu Mon 18-May-20 12:48:30

Using F’s in front of children is awful in my opinion. A grandmother using F’s in front of her grandchildren is absolutely beyond disgusting.

Whole situation sounds like a nightmare to be honest and probably could’ve been managed better from the start (but that makes me sound self-righteous).

Don’t know where you go from here to be honest. This needs sorting out completely between you & your mum before you re-introduce the children to any situation involving you both though.

DonLewis Mon 18-May-20 12:54:43

Ah, look, everything is quite stressful atm. And you're both grieving. I'd chalk this one up to lockdown fraying nerves and grief playing its part.

In your shoes, I'd just message your mum and say something like 'hey. The other day was nuts. I love you. Anything I can do to help with Friday?' and leave it at that.

If it happens again, well, you're going to have to address it, but for now, let go.

Sorry for your loss flowers

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